For those of you who missed it, the Punch Out theme was the given the one man Acapella treatment on Youtube this week.  Mike Tyson’s Punch Out is probably the best game in NES history (with the only other real option being Mario 3).  It has great gameplay, but the meat and potatoes of the game lies in the characters you come across.  Here is the definitive power rankings of Punch Out characters.  Rankings are in terms of entertainment value, not difficulty.


14. Von Kaiser- Easily the worst opponent in the game.  Nothing exciting about this mamaluke at all.  Actually, he has a legit stache.  I will give him that.


13. Mr. Sandman- Legit scary dude, but has no personality.  Loses points because he is from Philly. 


12. Mario- Probably his most underrated appearance in any game, despite the fact he basically does nothing.  It looks like he packed on a few pounds after the success of Mario Bros.


11. Little Mac- Not a very interesting or fun character, but plays the scrappy underdog well.  It’s actually pretty amazing that Punch Out is as good as it is with such a boring main character.  I forgot that Little Mac was only 17 years old in this game.  Maybe he just hasn’t hit his growth spurt yet?


10. Piston Honda- Solid entrance music, good catch phrases (“I’ll give you a TKO from Tokyo” always made me laugh), and the Piston flurry was a decent signature move.  But he lacks the flair of the people in the Top 5.


9. Soda Popinski- A drunk, commie bastard who has a laugh that nightmares are made of.  Changing his name from Vodka Drunkinski to Soda Popinski is too big of a wimpy PR move for him not to free fall down this list.  He does save some face however due to the fact that there is a bar in San Francisco named after him that has a drink wheel and an old school Nintendo system in the back.


8. Glass Joe- Going 1-99 is pretty damn impressive, mainly because he took 99 ass-beatings and kept getting up.  Sneaky zing to the French having him hail from Paris.  I see what you did there, Nintendo.  Also, he gets bonus points for getting mentioned in an Ice Cube song.


7. Bald Bull- Great name and great special move (The Bull Charge).  When talking about Punch Out, Bald Bull is usually one of the first opponents people you think of.  You fight him twice in the original and he is in Super Punch Out as well.  That has to count for something.  Also, he looks like he would smell terrible.


6. Great Tiger- The Magic Punch dominated me when I was a youngster and the whole glowing jewel thing was fun.  He could have used another trick or so, but since the game came out 17 years ago, I’ll give him a pass.  If it came out that he killed that tiger himself, I would have to move him up the list even more.


5. Doc- Clearly the brains of the operation, Doc coaches up a pip squeak nobody to take on some of the biggest monsters in boxing history.  When Clay Davis plays you in a commercial, you are making the Top 5.  It’s that easy.  Sheeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttt.  Plus the man can ride the hell out of a bike.


4. Don Flamenco- Such a Nancy in this game, but his job is to piss you off.  The rose, the love quotes, the annoying defense; it’s all there to frustrate you.  I just learned today that he is only 23 years old, which for some reason crushes my soul.


3. Super Macho Man- The guy comes out shaking his tatas at you right off the bat and has the second most lethal punch in the game (the spinning punch).  Arrogant as the day is long and one of the best 2nd banana bosses in video game history.  Both Super Macho Man and Mike Tyson are somehow undefeated in this game.  How does that even happen?  Was Tyson ducking Macho Man a la Mayweather/Pacquiao?  Or was it like a Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali two champions kind of thing?  One of the great unanswered questions of my youth.


2. Mike Tyson- I wonder which Mike Tyson got more street cred back in the day, Real Life Tyson or Punch Out Tyson?  Even though Real Life Tyson was a dominant champion and could literally knock you out, Punch Out Tyson may be the most bad ass video game character ever.  Yes, this includes Tecmo Bo, Madden Vick, and even Hitler.  As dominant as Kid Dynamite was, he isn’t number 1.  That’s because number 1 goes to…


1. King Hippo- This big SOB comes in hopping and jawing right off the bat.  He is also royalty and other than 1 legit weakness, is impossible to beat.  King Hippo is basically the Achilles of Punch Out and I won’t hear anything different.  The best character in the entire game.  All Hail The King.

Ooh, kill’em Mac.


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