Movie Deathmatch Tournament: Round 1

Posted: March 10, 2014 in Deathmatch Tournament, Uncategorized
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movie deathmatch

We are back for another week of deathmatches.  Thanks to everyone who voted in last week’s tournament.  Here are the rules and fighters for The Movie Character Deathmatch.

Rules:

  1. Each matchup is a fight to the death.
  2. Competitors are allowed to bring any item that is generally associated with them.  Example: Batman would have all his gadgets, Link would have his sword, Indiana Jones would have a whip, etc.  The items the fighters have will be noted in the blog.
  3. Each region has a different location chosen at random.  That location can possibly affect the outcome of the match.  Example:  If a shark was placed in a desert, it would have a hard time beating anything in a deathmatch.
  4. Seeding and opening matchups are drawn at random.
  5. Voting takes place from time the blog is posted until midnight ET that night.
  6. Once a character wins a match, he/she can use whatever items their opponent used in future matches.
  7. Tiebreaker goes to a coin flip.
  8. If you have any theories on how you think the results of a match would go, please add them in the comments section.  Bantering is half the fun.

oz4

The Joker vs. Ricky Vaughn

HeathJoker ricky-Vaughn-Major-League

Tale of the Tape: A crazed mofo from Gotham who takes a few legit beatings but keeps getting up against an ex-con who can bring 100 MPH cheddar with above-average command.  The Joker comes in wielding a blade while ol’ Ricky has a baseball and is in Wild Thing Mode.

Thunder Lips vs. Deebo

thunderlips Deebo

Tale of the Tape: This is a rematch of a fight between these two actors from the classic No Holds Barred.  Deebo has been known to have issues with bricks (albeit not yellow ones) while Thunder Lips won’t be able to sneak up under the premise that it’s an exhibition.  Both fighters will also have to deal with the flying monkeys and poppy fields of Oz.

TheSandlot

ffff biff

Tale of the Tape: The bully vs. the bullied.  A decorated war hero and former All-American football player at Alabama against perhaps the biggest asshole in movie history.  The scouting report says Forrest will fight anywhere, including a Black Panther rally while Biff is known to be susceptible to left hooks.  Forrest may have more experience in a Sandlot environment (mows the grass for free), but Biff has been a terror since the public school era.

Major Payne vs. Walter Sobchak

major payne sobchak

Tale of the Tape: Two short-fused Vietnam Veterans face off in The Sandlot.  No guns are allowed on the field however, so Walter has a bowling ball while Major Benson Winifred Payne is rolling in with only his whistle.  However, we know Payne’s thoughts on overcoming big obstacles.

walley

Happy Gilmore vs. Indiana Jones

gilmoreIndiana_Jones_in_Raiders_of_the_Lost_Ark

Tale of the Tape: We have a matchup of two competitors that have stumbled into some crazy adventures despite their chosen profession.  Happy can hit the living shit out of a golf ball, but would much rather be a hockey player while Indiana Jones has the wildest life of any archaeologist/professor in the world.  Happy comes in wielding a Driver while Indy has his trusty whip by his side.  Walley World is completely empty, a la National Lampoon’s Vacation.  Unfortunately no John Candy, either.  RIP.

Mr. Miyagi vs. Jack Sparrow

miyagicaptain-jack-sparrow

Tale of the Tape: Opposites attract here, as everyone’s favorite maintenance man (despite being terrible at his job) faces off against a flamboyant, makeup wearing pirate.  Captain Jack has his beloved sword by his side, while Miyagi only has his fists and feet of fury.  But Miyagi is known to make do with his surroundings.

My_Ohio__Mansfield_Reformatory_484150001_20130412173756_640_480

John Kimble vs. Butch Coolidge

kimblebutch

Tale of the Tape: Two action star legends square off with a few of their lesser known characters.  This is a straight up fist fight in Shawshank State Prison.

Tyler Durden vs. Seabass

durden sea-bass

Tale of the Tape: A twisted figment of someone’s imagination against Lloyd Christmas’ worst nightmare in Shawshank State Prison.  Both men love inflicting different kinds of pain on others.  I’m not sure if Boggs and The Sisters are around for this fight.


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Comments
  1. Joe Baumann says:

    Round 1 Oz Region

    Joker vs Wild Thing
    I can’t in good faith let Wild Thing move on. The Joker wields a knife and I’ve seen real baseball players get hit with a 100 mph fastball and walk down to first base. Vaughn does bring with him some experience in the Correctional facility. So, he knows what he is getting himself into going against a freak with a blade. However, this is Duke vs Fairfield. Only chance for an upset is Vaughn … actually, can’t think of one. The joker doesn’t really even take a beating in this. In fact, it’s almost unfair that he’s been placed in the Oz bracket. Joker + Oz just seems like this whole tournament is biased…

    The joker is so twisted he doesn’t even take the baseball. He puts on the Wild Thing glasses, eats another olive out of a random martini (one of creepiest parts in Batman), and goes about his business getting ready to kill anyone and anything.

    Thunderlips vs Debo
    Probably my favorite Round 1 match up. Although, I’m looking forward to playing around with Major Payne. obviously Thunderlips brings a certain stigma along with him given past Fantasy sport loyalties. The man can wrestle and I’m not sure Debo, with all his strength, can keep up with him. I imagine the Lips executing Leg Drop after Leg Drop after Leg Drop until Debo’s head explodes.

    Thunderlips gets the one power every white athlete dreams of… he’s now Black Thunderlips.

  2. Joe Baumann says:

    Round 1 – Sandlot Region

    Forrest Gump vs Biff Tannen
    A ping pong champion. An All-American. A decorated war hero. Fought a whole front row of rednecks in a bar. But never really killed anyone on screen. Assume Gump is wielding his ping pong paddle.
    A guy who shot someone in cold blood. He bullies for a living. Assume he’s carrying his fist cane.

    This match up goes blow for blow. Both take a beating here. But, in the end Forrest uses his special running powers. He’s in the sandlot. He can run away. He’s the only person to even cover more ground in the Sandlot than Benny Rodriguez.

    Forrest tires Biff out. Biff is finally confirmed dead from a heart attack. Now Forrest has ping pong paddle and a cane.

    Major Payne vs. Walter Sobchak
    I actually don’t have much to say about this one. Payne is a killing machine. Eh…he…he…he. Sobchak isn’t in the best shape and battling a Marine with a bowling ball certainly isn’t the biggest disadvantage in a deathmatch ever; but it’s close.

    Let’s just say that if Sobchak is still in the Sandlot, he aint happy. Payne in a route. Payne with a bowling ball and a quicker temper seems like he could upset a few unlucky souls.

  3. Joe Baumann says:

    Round 1 – Wally World Region

    Happy Gilmore vs Indiana Jones
    I thought I’d have more trouble with these first round match ups. This, again seems pretty straightforward. BUT, let me see if I can make an argument for Happy Gilmore. He doesn’t have a hockey skate so he can’t stab anyone. He is fairly predictable with a slow wind up in order to really whack the crap out of anything. BUT, he is in Wally World and we all saw how he dominated the mini-golf fun course after going to Happy Land. With Chubbs by his side, perhaps he has a chance? Here’s the deal…if this were set in Happy Land then I give Gilmore the edge. Frankly, Wally World should have a ride of mini Shooter McGavin’s riding around on a tricycle. Also, it doesn’t.

    Indy moves. He learned in Temple of Doom how to rip a still beating heart out of a human. Sorry Happy…Indy eats pieces of shit like you for breakfast. Indy moves on and gains Chubbs advice and a hockey putter.

    Mr. Miyagi vs Jack Sparrow
    Alright, here we go! Battle of two heavyweights!

    The case for Miyagi…. The dude can flat out Kah-Rah-Tay. I imagine that he is the real life Yoda. I’m tempted to say he has a light saber, but it’s just the power of his hands. Plus, in real life he is a Packers fan. Super plus.

    The case for Jack Sparrow… Next to the Joker, this is the most effed up freak in this freakshow tournament. He battles literally every single kind of creature imagines and comes out on top. He’s also hilarious. Too bad Miyagi doesn’t speak great English so he’s immune to Sparrow’s wit.

    I don’t think the surroundings favor either competitor. The big question here is can Miyagi disarm Sparrow of his sword and turn the tide against him? The answer is yes. If for nothing else, I’d really like to see how anyone can stop a sword yielding Miyagi?

    God I love this stuff! Miyagi with a sword advances.

  4. Joe Baumann says:

    Round 1 – Shawshank Prison

    Kimble vs Butch
    On paper, this seems like a straight up grudge match. Kimble with his police training. Butch with his fighting experience. Let’s dooooooooook this out boys.

    In the ring, I think this goes south for Kimble quickly. Kimble is too big a softy to ever do well in a prison. In fact, as a cop, he loses any psychological edge by being stuck in a prison. Butch takes advantage of this mental weakness, finds a leftover shank in his prison cell, and takes care of business.

    Butch now has an accent and put on 50 lbs of muscle. Is he actually just Thunderlips now?

    BUT wait, does any of this matter? There is a sword wielding Miyagi left in this tournament.

    Durden vs Seabass
    I could write about Seabass for days. But there is a sword wielding Miygi left in this tournament. Seabass was knocked out by a bathroom door. Respect for ordering the Boilermakers….that certainly holds a special place in my heart (Toronto; Gretzky’s Place). But really…. a bathroom door? He’s no match for Durden.

    Durden advances and is drunk on Boilermakers. that can’t be good for anyone.

    Anyways, that’s the way i see the first round going. Looking forward to my own little tournmanet in the Comments section. Here’s to Round 2.

    Seriously, a sword wielding Miyagi!

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