Mario-Kart-64-and-Dwolla

With news of Mario Kart 8 coming out and the eternal question being raised (“will I buy an entire Nintendo system just to play Mario Kart?”), I had to put up a Mario Kart blog post of some sort.  So here is a list of what your Mario Kart racer says about you.  I will use the characters from Nintendo 64, since that is when the game clearly peaked.

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Mario: You are pretty happy with life and enjoy staying in the middle lane.  The missionary position of Mario Kart drivers.  You won’t complain getting Mario, but everyone knows you can do better.

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Luigi: You are either a younger brother or a hipster who likes going against the grain in everything you do.  Nothing interesting or exciting about him, like Mario.  Except he isn’t the centerpiece of an entire gaming dynasty.  Luigi fans give me the willies.

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Peach:  If you choose Peach, there is a 90% chance you are a chick.  There is nothing wrong with that, but facts are facts.  If you are a guy, it means that your favorite racer was taken and Peach was the best remaining character.  The one bonus to picking Peach is that you will hear your friends call her/you the most vile names in the history of mankind every time you do something good.  These range from four letter words all the way to compound curse words that haven’t even been imagined yet.

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Toad: You are clearly a veteran of Mario Kart and will do whatever it takes to win.  There is no hiding Toad’s racing talent or his bitch-like qualities.  You have made a deal with the devil, and that devil is an asshole who wears a mushroom hat and a vest WITH NO SHIRT UNDERNEATH!  I imagine Toad is just a younger version of what Buffalo Bill becomes in Silence of the Lambs.

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Yoshi:  The best character in the game and a gentleman through and through.  Character selection usually is just a race to the Yoshi character for smart drivers.  You are likely a smart Kart player with plenty of pelts on the wall.

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Donkey Kong: If you race with any of the three big bastards in this game, you get a little bit of street cred just because it takes so long for them to speed up.  Choosing Donkey Kong means you appreciate the history of Nintendo or just like giant monkeys.  Either reason is more than acceptable.  A silent nod is the appropriate sign of respect when someone chooses D.K. and can win.

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Wario: Lacks the history of Donkey Kong and Bowser.  If you choose Wario, you are just a dick who wants to be completely different.  Basically it’s like choosing Luigi, but even weirder.  The only acceptable time to pick Wario is if it is your first time playing the game and you have never heard of any of the characters.  Which means in 2014 you have never played Mario Kart, which is even creepier.  I would say if you are from a place without video games or a child under 5 years old, it’s OK.  However, if you have never even seen a video game before and you choose Wario over ALL of the other drivers, there are more than a few screws loose.  If someone ever chooses Wario, you have to destroy the game and never let that person touch a controller in your house again.  It’s in the instruction manual and everything.

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Bowser: A giant lizard with a blond fetish.  I guess I can understand choosing Bowser, he is the boss of most Mario games.  I would say most meatheads would go with Bowser based on size alone.  Clearly an overcompensation thing.

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