In Case You Missed It: The Clem Report’s 2014 NBA Draft Recap

Posted: June 27, 2014 in Basketball, Sports
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

The draft starts out with Chad Ford pulling a Schefter and spoiling picks right before they happened.  

Dear sports writers,

If you tell us the draft picks before they happen, there isn’t much of a reason to watch the draft on TV.  And if we just watch the draft on TV without going on Twitter, than my Twitter addiction kicks in and I want to claw my eyes out.  Cut the shit!



Andrew Wiggins already dresses like an NBA superstar (read: like a God damn idiot).  I love the nickname Maple Jordan, but I can already tell we won’t be friends. wigg

Jabari Parker made history last night, as he was the first player to ever actually WANT to play for the Milwaukee Bucks, mostly because he is from nearby Chicago.  I can’t imagine any New York player ever actively wanting to play for a Dirty Jersey team, which is basically the closest comparison to that nightmare that I can come up with.


Next up, the 76ers selected Joel Embiid out of Kansas, who reacts the way any rational person would when they find out they are moving to Philly.  I don’t buy that “tape delay” stuff for a second.  Get your D-batteries ready, Philadelphians.  You will have two big targets in Embiid and Nerlens Noel for at least the next three years.


The Orlando Magic Selected Aaron Gordon with the 4th pick.  The only things I know about Aaron Gordon is that he went to Arizona and does stuff like this.  I like Aaron Gordon.gordon1



Rounding out the top five, the Jazz selected Dante Exum from Australia.  Australia to Utah, huh?  That should be quite the adjustment…


Then a bunch of picks happened.  The Celtics drafted Mahhhcus Smahhht solely for comedy purposes.  Julius Randle said he was going to make every team that passed on him pay (potentially but mugging all six GMs).  And Chicago created The Mega-Honkey Powers by combining the forces of The Jimmer with Dougie McBuckets.  The Bulls finally have their 21st Century Jordan and Pippen, if they were unathletic white guys with the wettest jumpers you have ever seen.

After a bunch of grab-assing and celebrating for the first 15 picks, we got to Isaiah Austin.  This was definitely the tearjerker and goosebumps moment of the night.  Awesome work by the commish and the NBA doing this right.  After he graduates from Baylor, he has a standing invitation to work for the NBA.  Good stuff.


Immediately after the Austin pick, the Kings pick Jusuf Nukic.  After he was drafted, we learn that:

  1. His dad is 7’1″ tall and 400 lbs.
  2. Is said to have “some WWE in him”.  Which means he beats people up.  
  3. Jusuf Nukic is now my favorite player in the NBA.

Bill Simmons got caught on TV celebrating the Celtics draft pick.  I had no problem with this at all, it’s nice to have guys that care about their team on TV.  I just wish that Simmons would talk about a sport other than the NBA from February to August.

Sabazz Napier went from the most beloved player in the country in March to another hated member of the Heat in an instant.  Did Pat Riley do it again, or did Pat Riley do it again?


For all the people grading the draft and picking winners/losers, don’t forget that this guy’s tweet is 100% accurate.

And finally, the Knicks drafted a French center to commemorate the 15 year anniversary of the Frederic Weis pick.  Never forget.



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