I Want. No I Need. No I NEEEEEED A Janimal

Posted: July 7, 2014 in Animals, Random Thoughts
Tags: , , , ,

Well I just saw this commercial and my entire world has turned upside down.  A stuffed animal that turns into pajamas?  So I can snuggle with my best friend and then wear that best friend to bed?  Two words:  GAME CHANGER.

The only people getting shit on in this whole ordeal are the 0-4 year olds and the 106+ year olds.  Imagine trying to get one of these and getting the cold shoulder because you JUST turned 106.  What a cruel, cruel twist of fate.  But Janimals don’t make the rules, they just break them.  A stuffed animal and a set of pajamas?  That’s 1900’s shit, when all that 106+ year old crowd was pooping in their diapers (as babies not as geriatrics).  Like Darwin said, if you don’t watch out for evolution, it will run you over like a train*.

*Darwin probably never said that, but I bet he thought it all the time**

**He probably never thought it either, but I bet he never thought stuffed animals could evolve into a Janimal.  What an idiot

Anyway, we have to power rank the Janimal options here.  Quite an eclectic mix in the initial batch.

5. Cat.  Boooooooring, just like real cats.  If you get the cat, you are destined to be the creepy cat lady in your neighborhood.  No ifs, ands, or maybes.  It also shows a severe lack of imagination.


4. Zebra.  I understand wanting to incorporate some color into the Janimals, but the pink and black look is kind of played out.  If you aren’t going black and white, maybe you throw a blue zebra in there?  Just not feeling this color combo.  A Zubaz multicolored Zebra would climb up these rankings escalator style.  I hope a Lion Janimal is created so he can eat all the Zebra Janimals.  


3. Dog.  Similar to the cat in terms of being a little unoriginal for being a house pet, but three things seperate the dog from the cat.  Dogs are SIGNIFICANTLY better than cats (this will not be debated), the little pup is cute as hell with his tongue sticking out, and the kid in the picture sells the dog with his break dancing.  In fact, I think this kid has a future selling ketchup popsicles to ladies in white gloves.


2. Giraffe.  Easily one of the best creatures at the zoo.  Obviously it would be impossible to incorporate the long giraffe neck in the pajamas, but having the horns on the head more than makes up for it.  


1. Unicorn.  If you didn’t secretly want to be a unicorn at some point of your life, I don’t even want to know you.  A magical creature with a horn coming out of it’s head?  Fuck.  Yes.  Is this unicorn pink and girly?  Indeed.  But again, it is magical with a horn coming out of it’s head.  Number 1 with a bullet.  The Unicorn Janimal.


PS- I just realized that Janimals only go up to size Large and you have to be under 5’6″ to wear them.  So either children or functioning midgets can wear Janimals.  Janimals giveth and Janimals taketh away.  But that’s how they roll.  No room for babies, geriatrics, and normal sized people in the Janimal world.


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