Archive for July, 2014

image_1 Just a friendly reminder that the mainstream NFL media will be re-entering our lives with their predictions.  A quick refresher course for what you will hear:

  1. Every team that made the playoffs last season will probably make the playoffs this season, despite the fact that this never, ever happens.
  2. No teams that came in last place in 2013 will win their division in 2014.  In these people’s minds, the NFL standings are the epitome of stability on a year to year basis.
  3. The only team that is not allowed to believe that it will be good is the Jets.  They should be the only team in the league that is pessimistic about their chances for the season.
  4. At least one analyst will participate in a mock fantasy draft and say something like “I don’t care what his numbers are, I want a player like Joe Flacco on my fantasy team because he wins football games”.  If you see this, turn off your TV and throw it out the nearest window.
  5. Every Super Bowl prediction will include the Broncos or the Seahawks, and likely have both.  The last Super Bowl with the same matchup as the year before was in 1994.
  6. The phrase “THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE” will be unnecessarily uttered 849,294,402,028 times (give or take).
  7. No matter what, we will eat up every single word because we are fiends for the drug known as THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.

So it begins.

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ESPN-  Michael Jordan has no problem with LeBron James returning to No. 23 in his second stint with the Cleveland Cavaliers.  “I’m cool with it,” Jordan told ESPN.com via text message Monday morning. “I don’t own a number.”

Jordan, who now owns the Charlotte Bobcats, wore No. 23 during his legendary playing career. James idolized Jordan growing up and wore No. 23 during his first seven seasons with the Cavaliers.  But after leaving Cleveland and joining the Miami Heat four years ago, James switched to No. 6, saying it was as a tribute to Jordan. He announced he would change numbers in November of 2009, his last season in Cleveland.

“I just think what Michael Jordan has done for the game has to be recognized some way soon,” James, who had worn No. 23 since his sophomore year in high school, said at the time. “There would be no LeBron James, no Kobe Bryant, no Dwyane Wade if there wasn’t Michael Jordan first.

MJ played this one perfectly.  He knows everyone recognizes he was the original 23 and that anyone who chooses that number is an impersonator.   The whole “I don’t own a number” is straight out of the ex-boyfriend “it’s cool, we are no longer dating”.  Just by having someone ask him about this means that Jordan has the permanent upper-hand on LeBron for the rest of his life.  Shinebox level ownership.  Reason 482,502 he will never pass MJ on the food chain.

h/t Chaddy Bangs for the pic

The people at Daily Snark did one of those “if players returned home like LeBron, what would those teams look like” things for NFL players.  To no one’s surprise, Texas, Florida, and California laid the smack down on any the other states out there.

I think this comes down to Texas vs. Florida.  Texas has a million pro quarterbacks, but Florida has some serious depth on the defensive side of the ball.  If you put a gun to my head and asked me to choose, I think I would pick Texas due to the super-duperstars on the roster  Florida is a little older and doesn’t have the same weapons at every position.  But then I would call the cops, since you put a gun to my head.  The rest of the hypothetical rosters below (and I’m not sure why guys like Antonio Brown and Troy Polamalu appear on multiple lists).

Texas

Texas-copynew (more…)

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Dear Troy,

Hi, my name is Clem and I am a diehard Mets fan.  I am writing to you because I would really love it if you requested a trade out of Colorado.  If the owner and GM ask where you would like to go, tell them Flushing, Queens (it’s kind of a weird name, but you will get used to it).  I blog about sports and pop culture on my site The Clem Report.  If you ever wanted to get into blogging, you could be a guest writer on my blog.  We could talk about Game of Thrones and review all kinds of new foods and candies.

Anyway, I read on Wikipedia that you married your high school sweetheart.  Guess what?  I married my college sweetheart!  Maybe we could all go to the movies if/when you get traded here.  I always have a tough time deciding between getting popcorn or candy.  Maybe I could get popcorn, you could get candy, and we could share.  I also have a best friend named Rambo (he’s a hawk that lives in my yard).  He doesn’t speak English, but I bet he could be your best friend as well.  We could be known as The Three Amigos, which is Spanglish for The Three Friends.

I also read that you recently became a father and have a son named Taz.  I don’t have any children yet, but my wife and I would love to babysit if you ever needed a night out.  I was a fan of the Looney Tunes growing up and Taz was one of my favorite characters.  I even had a few of those Taz shirts that were two sided.  I don’t have them anymore, but I could buy one for you as a welcome present for when you get to New York.

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A lot of people downgrade your offensive numbers because you play in Colorado.  I can promise you that will not be the case if you come to the Mets.  Citi Field is, ummmm, different than Coors Field.  The Mets owners built a ballpark that was designed to neutralize our best player’s power alleys.  But don’t worry Troy, they can’t screw that up again (I think).  We also have a cool mascot named Mr. Met.  He is really nice and has a family as well.  All their heads are baseballs!  How cool is that?  I know the Rockies have a mascot named Dinger that is a triceratops.  If you have ever seen Jurassic Park, you know that once the electricity goes off, dinosaurs try to eat people.  Is that really the type of animal you would want near your growing family?  I wouldn’t trust a triceratops as far as I could throw it (which isn’t very far at all).

I know you have a lot of great memories in Colorado and feel loyal to the Rockies franchise, as well as their fans.  I happen to know what that feels like.  When I was in little league, I became great friends with my coaches, teammates, and their families.  Unfortunately in little league, you are forced to change teams every season.  But guess what?  You make a new set of friends with your new coaches, teammates, and their families.  So you end up with double the amount of friends after the season is over!

Also, I am not sure if you heard, but the Rockies messed up your t-shirt giveaway night by spelling your name wrong.  Considering how long you have been there and how good you have been, that is really messed up.  I can already spell your name with my eyes closed.  T-U-L-O-W-I-T-Z-K-I.  Editor’s note: His (my) eyes were really closed.

Finally Troy, I know Derek Jeter was your favorite player growing up.  But trust me, you do not want to go to the Yankees.  You will have to change your number and they won’t even put your last name on the back of your jersey.  Plus the Mets are going to be about 20 games better than the Yankees next year.  The Mets also have David Wright, who has been the best third baseman in the National League for the last 10 years and is a mix of Mickey Mouse and a boy scout.  You will love playing with him.

The ball is in your court, Tulo (I can call you that, right?).  All I can do is sit here and wait.  Give my best to your wife and Taz.  I hope to see you in New York soon!

Sincerely,

Clem

PS- Rambo says hi and really hopes you come here.

dmitrisbs

For The Win- Dmitri Young spent 13 years in the major leagues and was named to two All-Star teams, but you probably won’t recognize him anymore. Young, who retired in 2010 and turned 40 last October, went to the Nationals-Reds game in Cincinnati Friday. According to MLB, Young was the third heaviest player to ever play in the majors with a listed weight of 295, but he’s lost well over 100 pounds. 

It looks like Da Big Meathook has become Da Big Saladhook.  While it is absolutely awesome that Young has gotten healthier, you can’t tell me that he wasn’t THE MAN as Big, Fat Jolly Dmitri Young.  How could a jerk like Delmon Young be from the same womb as this guy?  Mind boggling.

Also, how great do you have to be at life to have a cartoon logo of yourself on a hat?  God I wish Da Meathook was a member of the Mets at some point in his prime.  That dude ruled.

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h/t @LowBallJ

Yes, you read that correctly.  Gotta say, I love the idea of Iron Mike and Norm doing this together.  What we really need is a show of these two just kicking the shit behind the scenes.  The stories these guys could tell.

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Snake fits the Raiders and their fans like a glove.  The Patriots as the diabolically evil Mr. Burns?  Yup.  And down-on-his-luck Gil as the Browns?  Perfection.

As a Giants fan, I took exception to Nelson at first.  Then I realized that Packers and Patriots fans look at us fans and the teams as bullies every four years.  HA HA!

*Today is opposite day.  Of course this is the funniest, cutest, awesomest video you will see today.

Coming to the realization that this little girl is more athletic than me right now was kind of tough to take at first, but I’m over it.  You just can’t stay angry at someone that adorable.

The fact the camera moved away from the kid as she started to go up has my Spidey sense’s tingling that this could be a hoax.  But I am leaving my faith in the internet on this one.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, you ain’t gonna fool me again.

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PS- Come on lady, vertical videos are for the birds.  Record your superhero daughter correctly or don’t record her at all.

 

 

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The Clem Report's Birthday Cake M&Ms review #candy

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We will keep this one short and sweet (pun not even slightly intended).  When you bite into the Birthday Cake M&M, you taste a hint of a chemical made to taste like birthday cake.  Once that disappears, you get just a regular, gross chemical taste.  After that disappears, you taste a chocolate M&M.  5.2 of the points in this review were due to the chocolate M&M taste at the end.  Terrible.

Rating: 5.4/10

An absolute BANGER and maybe the most underrated hip hop song of all-time.  From the moment the words “super ugly” drop until the last “yeahhhh”, the song kills everything in its path.  Now if you will excuse me, I am going spend the next 4 hours searching out every Detox rumor that I can get my hands on.