Brand Mascot Deathmatch

Hey everyone,

A quick note for the site.  I have partnered up to share some of the content from The Clem Report with the team at KFC Radio.  If you haven’t already, check out their site and their podcasts.  It’s a great stop for sports, pop culture, and comedy.  One of the blogs I plan to be sharing with them will be the Death Match Tournaments.

A quick refresher about the tournaments.  On long trips, my buddies and I will name random celebrities, friends, fictional characters, etc. to participate in a tournament.  We place all these people in a bracket and vote on who would win in a fight to the death.  These tournaments always lead to some fun debates and interesting matchups.

Every month I will group 16 competitors together in a bracket and the readers will vote on who wins.  This tournament will be a matchup of famous advertising mascots.


  1. Seeding and opening matchups are drawn at random.
  2. Each matchup is a fight to the death.
  3. Competitors are allowed to bring any item that is generally associated with them.  Example: Batman would have all his gadgets, Link would have his sword, Indiana Jones would have a whip, etc.  The items the fighters have will be noted in the blog.
  4. Tie-breakers are decided by a coin flip.


Mr. Clean vs. The Vlassic Stork

Tale of the Tape:  Mr. Clean comes in with the look and the aura of an ex-con that you would be kind of worried about leaving alone in your house.  The Vlassic Stork has the appearance of an old man that works at the hardware store, except the stork has a weird obsession with pickles.  In terms of measurables, the stork has the height and the reach, while Mr. Clean has the weight.  Mr. Clean comes into the fight with his trusty towel, while the stork has a pickle.


Brawny Man vs. Mayhem

Tale of the Tape:  I think the Brawny man is a lumberjack, right?  I always thought he had an axe in his hand, but a quick search on that startup site known as Google says that he hasn’t had one since the 70’s, when he also employed an incredible haircut and mustache combination.  So no axe in this matchup.  We can agree that the Mayhem dude from Allstate is basically a new-age Tyler Durden, right?


Geico Caveman vs. The Hamburglar

Tale of the Tape:  As evidenced by the COUNTLESS. FUCKING. COMMERCIALS every NFL Sunday, the Geico cavemen aren’t the smartest people in the world.  Orakpoed?  Are you kidding me?  The Hamburglar probably has a few misdemeanors on his record but nothing that would truly prepare him for a tournament of death.


Joe Camel vs. Sprout

Tale of the Tape: Anyone who has listened to a Jay-Z diss record knows that Joe and S Dot Carter look alike.  I imagine Joe Cool is about 6’4″ and pretty solid.  He also has been smoking for years, so take that into account.  I went with Sprout instead of the Jolly Green Giant because I am pretty sure the Giant would have cut through this tourney like a hot knife through butter.  We’ll say Sprout is short and stocky with a KILLER Napoleonic complex, just like every wrestler you ever met in high school and college.


The Gorton’s Fisherman vs. Fred The Baker

Tale of the Tape: Fred may not look like much of a threat at first, but you know he probably lives in a third floor walkup and doesn’t have much to live for after the decades of 3:30 AM wake ups to make the donuts.  However, the Gorton’s Fisherman is likely just as weathered and sick of the bullshit life has given him throughout the years.  There will definitely be some dirty, old man moves done during this fight.


Mr. Peanut vs. The Burger King

Tale of the Tape: In one corner we have Mr. Peanut, with his cane, top hat, monocle, and inflated self worth.  In the other corner we have The King, with his underrated athleticism and definitely NOT underrated creepiness.


Six Flags Dancing Grandpa vs. Nesquik Rabbit

Tale of the Tape: A sugar high, teenage, human sized rabbit against a coked-up, seemingly invincible grandpa.  I don’t know which way this would go, but it would probably be the most entertaining fight in the first round.


Little Caesar vs. Punchy

Tale of the Tape: Little Caesar comes into this matchup with two pies of pizza and a spear.  Punchy comes in with some crazy, mutant antlers and a pimp hand that Rick James would be jealous of.

  1. jeff4476 says:

    the burger king has this sewn up..

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s