Everything You Need To Know About Episode 1 of Hard Knocks: The 2014 Atlanta Falcons

Posted: August 6, 2014 in Football, Sports, Uncategorized
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In the opening we get a flash of a painted (Spongebob?) toenail.  Is this a little foreshadowing by the producers?  Maybe a Tyler Durden Easter Egg?  We already have more questions than answers in this season of Hard Knocks.

So it looks like Steven Jackson is going to be one of the stars of this season.  That cannot be a good thing, as Steven Jackson hasn’t done one memorable thing off the field in his entire life.  However, my buddy once drafted Steven Jackson in Madden (when we imported the NCAA rosters).  Instead of changing his name from RB 39 to Steven Jackson, he named him Horse Moo, which was my friend’s description of what a queef sounded like.  I wish Steven Jackson’s real name was Horse Moo.

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Steven Jackson is definitely that guy who takes your laundry out of the washing machine the second the cycle is over and you have a pile of wet clothes when you come back.  A solid 7 on the “Dickhead Move” scale.  The only positive of this scene is that it reminded me of the best scene in Hard Knocks history.  Straight up fire song and this scene had nothing to do with the rest of the show.  It was a cinematic Haley’s Comet.

Tyler Starr is our young, underdog white player with a distinctive haircut and child with an interesting back story for this season.  I think I am rooting for Tyler to make the team.

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Oh yeah, and he has a smokeshow fiance that looks like Jenna Jameson in her prime.  If Starr is cut before the third episode, I will retire from watching Hard Knocks for life.  Okay, that is a boldfaced lie.  But I will be really pissed and will spend way too much time searching for “Megan Wheeler” on Google Images.


Next up we have Harry Douglas and his fiance.  They don’t support losers in their family.  The only problem is that Harry is related to Toney Douglas, famous loser formerly of the New York Knicks.  If Harry wasn’t trying to “Ether” his brother on cable TV, he has a funny way of showing it.

These are the Biermanns.  Kroy Biermann is a defensive end with at least 1 screw loose in his head.  His wife is a star of one of those awful reality shows on Bravo, A&E, or some other terrible channel.  The only thing I hate more than bad reality TV are the stars of bad reality TV.  We must have a united front and all hate the Biermanns.  The future of America depends on it.

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You can actually see Kroy wishing multiple concussions onto himself so he can forget the terrible mistake he made marrying this woman.

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Hints your wife is a fame mongering psycho:

1. She lists herself as a Reality TV Star before being your wife.  I am saying we are basically at the Anna Benson crazy sports wife level here.  Should be fascinating to see how it all plays out.  And by “how it all plays out”, I mean reading about the divorce on TMZ Sports in the next 18 months.

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By the way, how old is Mrs. Biermann anyway?  Her daughter is at least 16 years old.  Old and crazy is significantly worse than young and crazy.

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Get a load of this lady acting like a tough guy.  If you AREN’T impressed by having your face on a room key, then you are not impressed by the simple things in life.  Or the amazing things in life.

Roddy White ruined my fantasy team last season, but all is forgiven after hearing him speak for the first time.  If I had a genie right now, my first wish would be for Hard Knocks to be on every night.  My second with would be to sound exactly like Roddy White when he yells at people.

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This is Thomas Dimitroff.  He is the Atlanta Falcon’s forward-thinking General Manager.  I always liked him based on stories I read in the media.  After seeing that he has the appearance of a crunchy hipster, I am now rooting against the Falcons with every fiber in my body.


Shit just got weird.

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And then we get this assistant coach wearing Tiger Woods’ Sunday Best outfit.  I just Googled “when is Halloween in Atlanta” and it said October 31st.  So I am just as confused as you guys are.

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Mike Smith had a STRONG stache game back in the day.  Falcons fans must be extremely worried about his decision-making ability after seeing that he shaved that lip tickler off.

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GREAT work by the HBO producers waiting until the middle of the episode before they dropped their ace down on us.  Bryan Cox and Mike Tice are coaches on the staff?  If this year’s show was just two cameras following around Tice and Cox, it would probably be the best TV show ever.  And you are lying to yourself if you weren’t at least a little disappointed when you found out that Bryan Cox doesn’t wear his neck roll as he coaches.

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What a sneaky move by Mike Tice throwing that New York comment at Arthur Blank with an extra thick Brooklyn accent.  I haven’t seen such a vicious undercut since The Tom Green Show.  Mark my words, whenever Mike Smith gets fired, Mike Tice will be the next head coach of the Atlanta Falcons.  New Yorkers only truly trust other New Yorkers.  It’s nothing personal, it’s just branded into us.

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And then Tice drops this atomic bomb on us.  Look at that outfit.  Is this a training camp meeting or a Jimmy Buffett concert?  Love the shoes too.  The only thing missing is the signature pencil in the ear.

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A palm tree growing in the middle of your house?  Check.  Every pair of Jordans that have ever come out?  Check.  Having every neighbor being scared of you because you play in a league that averages a million arrests per year?  Check.  Life is goooood for William Moore, except for the fact that Roddy White and his crazy voice screams at him every practice.

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If I had one piece of advice to give to rookies before their first NFL Training Camp, it is this.  Win the rookie show, win the room.  Win the room, win the job.  Win the job, win the money.

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And if you do a good job of impersonating a coach and can blow smoke up a couple of star players butts, do that.  A crowd pleaser every time out.  By the way, I almost entered a talent show a few years ago on my honeymoon.  My talent was going to be naming every Super Bowl winner since 1982.  Needless to say I would be cut before the rookie show even started.

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We end with Matt Ryan flashing the old fashion “2 thumbs up” look after a touchdown.  Can you be more of an L-7 weenie than Matty Ice?  Matt Ryan: The most vanilla, white bread quarterback in the history of quarterbacking.  I wake up every morning hoping to find out the Falcons reacquired Michael Vick just for the next four weeks.


Episode 1 Winners:

Megan Wheeler’s (adult) acting career, if she pursues one.

Roddy White’s place in my heart.

The Bryan Cox Fan Club.

Episode 1 Losers:

Kroy Biermann’s street cred in the locker room and in man caves across the country.

Matt Ryan’s Swagger rating in Madden ’15.

Mike Tice’s fashion consultant.


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