Archive for August, 2014

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Buffalo Bills

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Over/Under Win Total: 6.5

Odds to win division: 9/1 (more…)

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I hate J.Lo.  Like hate, hate, hate J.Lo.  The hate in my heart for her would make Clayton Bigsby blush.  But having the OG of booty team with Child Bearing Hips Mcgee is at the very least intriguing.  It would be like seeing Washington Wizards MJ face rookie season LeBron.  One is at the absolute end of her reign on top while the other is just getting started.

Now before you say “Clem, what about Nicki Minaj?  She needs to be in this video.”  My answer to that is Nicki Minaj scares me more than Gia from Full House.  If you think I have the gumption to watch a video with her and these two, you don’t know what type of white boy you are talking to.

Anyway, this will be one of the five music videos I actually see until the 2015 VMAs.  Sure hope it is decent.

PS- The best JLo music video of all-time (musically and booty-wise) is the I’m Real (Remix) video.  There will be no debating this.  Those pink shorts caused a ton of funny feelings in stomachs across this great country of ours.

Nothing like representing a franchise that peaked in the 80s, with a haircut that was “in style” in the mid-90s, with a TV show that hasn’t been good since the early 2000s, and a player that may never be better than he was in 2012.  This entire picture is the epitome of Buy Low.  Yikes.

Oh yeah, and this is where I say that the Redskins nickname is 100% offensive and a hilarious joke that people try to defend it because of “tradition”.  Thank God I am a Giants fan.

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Food Beast-  Cats are the animal equivalent of grumpy teens working summer jobs — disinterested, lethargic, perpetually annoyed. Just ask Tencho, Hime, Dora, and Detch, the four newest cat employees for Pizza Hut Japan.

Part of the brand’s newest video campaign, Pizza Cat! is a completely fictional Pizza Hut location “run” entirely by cats. Run used only loosely of course, since the cat’s don’t ever really work. Instead, they sleep through alarms, stare at ringing telephones, claw at delivery bikes, and literally ride roombas all around the store.

Along with a video series highlighting the cats’ daily shenanigans, Pizza Cat! also got its own nifty website detailing the cats even further. There’s even a little disclaimer stating that if your pizza doesn’t arrive, it’s simply because the cats lost their motivation, please excuse them.

Another day, another bunch of wacky Asian commercials.  I am done trying to crack the code of why Japanese people love strange stuff and instead just bask on the glory of their weirdness.  At least if it was a funny commercial I could get behind it.  Maybe there is LSD in the drinking water.  Or years of eating uncooked fish.  I don’t know why they do what they do.  But I know that I freaking love it.

h/t Ballow

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TV Guide- Could a Full House return be in the works? The family sitcom, which aired on ABC from 1987 to 1995, is still a ratings juggernaut via repeats on Nick at Nite. Now Warner Bros. TV is mulling a new take on Full House, with some of the original cast intact.

Leading the charge is John Stamos (Uncle Jesse) — who has an ownership stake in the show, which gives him good reason to champion the new series. Original executive producer Bob Boyett and creator Jeff Franklin (who’s writing the new version) are actively involved. Candace Cameron Bure (D.J.), Jodie Sweetin (Stephanie) and Andrea Barber (Kimmy) are on board, while Bob Saget (Danny) and Dave Coulier (Joey) are also involved in some way.

The cast has remained tight-knit and some of the actors have let it slip in the past that they’d like to see Full House return. Stamos, Coulier and Saget appeared in a yogurt commercial earlier this year, and also showed up on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon dressed as their Full House characters. Appearing on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live this past winter, Stamos hinted that a Full House revisit was being pondered: “We’re sort of working on a twist on a sequel,” he told host Andy Cohen. “But we don’t know if it’s going to happen yet or not.” In 2009, Stamos also told the press that a Full House movie had been developed. 

HAVE MERCY!  There is no way they could screw this up, right?  (Thinking…).  OK, there is a 95% chance they will screw this up.  But sometimes in life you have to take a chance with your heart.

It sounds like Uncle Jesse is a lock to come back.  Stamos has equity in the show being made and somehow looks even better than he did in his physical prime.  The Olsen twins are definitely available, but are also above the WB channel (in their twisted, drug fueled minds that is).  Bob Saget and Dave Coulier could surely use the money and cache.

Stephanie was addicted to meth, right?  So I’m guessing she is looking for work now that her time as Wendy from Breaking Bad is over with.  D.J.?  Can’t imagine she’s busy, unless she is pushing her brother’s cult church.  And of course we need the woman who put millions of kids through puberty, Aunt Becky AKA Mrs. Lori God Damn Loughlin.

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As for the supporting characters, I hope, hope, hope that D.J.’s boyfriend Steve died in an incredibly painful fashion and won’t be on the show.  Steve was the worst TV boyfriend in the world this side of Jeff from Saved By The Bell.

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Kimmy Gibbler, sorry toots but you are out.  Kimmy sucked back then and she sucks now.  Plus I bet she already had a failed show on The WB.

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We need Teddy to come back into our lives.  I’m 95% sure John Legend is really Teddy all growed up.

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Update: Gia didn’t make the original post, but I was called out by Saint Brendan of KFCRadio fame.  I was, still, and will forever be afraid of Gia.  The baddest bitch in the Bay Area makes me feel like Derek “The Yankee Doodle” nerd.

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New York Times- Richard Attenborough, a distinguished stage and film actor in Britain who reinvented himself to become the internationally admired director of the epic “Gandhi” and other films, died on Sunday. He was 90. His death was confirmed by his son, Michael, according to the BBC. 

Years later Mr. Attenborough became known to a new generation of filmgoers as the wealthy head of a genetic engineering company whose cloned dinosaurs run amok in Steven Spielberg’s box office hit “Jurassic Park.” But for most of Mr. Attenborough’s later career, his acting was sporadic while he devoted much of his time to directing.

I hate to break it to the New York Times, but this guy is John Hammond, CEO of Jurassic Park to everyone in the entire world.  Don’t talk to me about what directing he did or any of the plays he starred in.  He is the neglectful grandfather that almost allowed two of his grandkids to be turned into T-Rex shit.  I will give you 10 million Schrutebucks if he doesn’t still have the cane with the mosquito in it.  And I also believe that we are 5 years away from cloning dinosaurs using the exact same method they used in the movie.  It’s basic science, folks.

So for one last time, lets play one of the most the best movie songs of all-time.  RIP Mr. Hammond Attenborough.

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NY Daily News-  An ESPN anchor has filed suit against an upstate hockey arena after a promotional appearance there went bad.

“Listen Closely” host Linda Cohn — a former goalie at SUNY Oswego — was at the Brewster Ice Arena in March to face off against the AHL’s Hartford Wolf Pack when she says she suffered “severe and disabling injuries” in what the team described as a “freak accident.”

The accident took place off ice, when “a heavy, large coin change machine fell upon her,” her Manhattan federal court suit says.

In a post on her Whosay.com page in March, she said “some kids paying in (the) arcade” were responsible” for the crash, which left her with a gash in her arm that required 25 stitches to close.

The Hartford Courant reported at the time that Cohn, 54, was confident she’d be back on the ice quickly.

First of all, I take great offense to the Daily News calling Brewster “upstate”.  As a resident of a nearby town, I don’t get down with the upstate moniker.  Dutchess County is the border for upstate.  Brewster is basically Westchester County, which is the county that Yonkers is in.

Okay, now that the geography lesson is over, let’s talk about Linda Cohn.  How do you get into a situation where a large coin machine can cut you?  Was she trying to get some quarters to try her hand at Ms. Pac-Man?  If so, I can’t blame her.  The rush I get from a good Ms. Pac-Man game is probably the same rush that Danny Ocean got from knocking over Terry Benedict’s casinos.  But that being said, a coin machine is one of the most ludicrous things in the world that can injure you.

And what exactly is a “disabling” injury for a SportsCenter anchor?  You sit behind a desk all day and throw it to clueless ex-players and rambling columnists.  A disabling injury would be growing a brain and realizing you are above the drivel that is ESPN’s flagship show.  Hating on ESPN is cliche now, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t fun.

However, I will say this.  Linda Cohn is still bringing the HEAT after all these years.  Horseface killah?  Sure.  But she is still as sexy as she ever was, especially with those F ME boots.  Linda Cohn was always kind of an acquired taste.  She had her good days and her bad days.  But to still throw in the mid-80s at the age of 54 is impressive, no matter who you are.

PS- Being a goalie and a sports anchor means Linda Cohn is one of the coolest chicks of all-time, right?  I would rather hang out with her more than some of my guy friends, and that has nothing to do with her ageless body.  I didn’t think I would fall in love with Linda Cohn when I woke up this morning.  But that’s the way love goes (that’s a Janet Jackson line).

h/t Ding

I wasn’t going to post this video for a bunch of reasons.  I think 3 of my last 4 blogs have been about the ice bucket challenge, the video could be a hoax, and I wasn’t sure if this girl was mentally slow.  But sometimes in life you have to trust your gut and give the people what they want.  And the people want to hear a girl drooling blood say that she loves them.  Who am I to turn them down?  I also have a rule that I will post people doing stupid shit on meds 100 times out of 100.

This is why the internet is the best thing ever created.  Who could have possibly guessed that the highlight of the summer would be your family, friends, celebrities, and random fools dumping ice water on their head for a great cause?  The internet is like Cartman on Maury Povich.  It does what it wants.

Also, this is the exact face I made last night when I dove in for a third slice of pizza.  Impulsive with a hint of shock.  But deep down there is a ton of satisfaction and you never felt so alive.

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Shut it down. Donate every dollar on the earth to an ALS and lets kill this disease. That cannot possibly be topped.  It’s over.

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h/t Ballow for the link

OK, I have had enough of this malarky.  It was funny when elected officials with noodle arms and no athletic skill threw out a bad first pitch.  Even the occasional 50 Cent or Carl Lewis blooper got a chuckle.  But now we are just shitting all over our national past time.  Did Miss Texas have a problem finding an American flag to burn as she threw out the pitch?  Shameful.

As far as I am concerned, we should kick Texas out of the Union for this.  They have always wanted to be their own country, anyway.  This was the final straw.  Tax the living shit out of the Cowboys and Longhorns when they want to play a football game against American teams. Win/win.

Also, what happened to beauty queens besmirching their states and family names with sex scandals?  I miss the good old days.  Now I have to give the Ceremonial First Pitch the Oregon Trail treatment.ore

No matter what you think of the Dubya or the Yankees, this is the best first pitch ever. I am going to petition future MLB commissioner Rob Manfred to right the wrongs of his predecessors by creating a rule that all stadiums must show the George W. Bush first pitch before every baseball game. This way, the terrorists (both local* and abroad) lose.
*Yes, I just called Miss Texas a terrorist. I stand by that statement 100%

If that doesn’t work, we can all agree that Plan B should be showing Chrissy Teigen’s first pitch before every game, right?  Sexy, fun, and a legit throw.  Just the way our forefathers would have wanted it.