The Patriots-Chiefs Game From Monday Night Summed Up In Two Vines

(Turn on the sound in both Vines for full effect)

For more reveling in Patriots misery, follow me on Twitter @TheClemReport

The Map Of Most Popular NFL Jerseys By State Shows Alaska And Hawaii Don’t Follow Football

Sorry folks, but I am completely at a loss here.  I understand why the Browns are popular near Texas (Johnny Football).  I understand that the Steelers, Packers, and Raiders have a wide reach because they are/were national teams.  But the Rams being the most popular jersey in Alaska flummoxes me to no end.  I mean I could see some Eskimo in Sam Bradford if I try, but that’s not it.  Maybe the brief Michael Sam experiment inspired the homosexual communities in the Great White North?  Perhaps.  But something just doesn’t add up here.

And the Panthers being the team of the Aloha state?  Again, no clue.  Riverboat Ron looks like he could be a Hawaii native, but my thorough investigation (reading his Wikipedia page) says that is not the case.  Maybe the islanders just don’t know that Panthers Steve Smith has evolved into the indestructible force known as Ravens Steve Smith Sr.

Keep up, Alaska and Hawaii.  Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

For more nonsensical NFL football thoughts, follow me on Twitter @TheClemReport

Everything Keeps Coming Up Giants As 49ers Players Reportedly Want Jim Harbaugh Out

NFL.com-  A stirring win over the Philadelphia Eagles won’t stop the long-term questions about the San Francisco 49ers’ leadership. NFL Media’s Deion Sanders said on Sunday’s NFL GameDay Highlights that there is significant strain between coach Jim Harbaugh and his players.

They want him out. They’re not on the same page,” Sanders said. “I really want to know if they’re really playing for the head coach. I got a question with that. Are you really down with your head coach, San Francisco 49ers? Because the way it looks and what I’m hearing, you’re really not down for your head coach. And that’s a problem.

“They really got some problems that we hear rumblings. We all know people inside locker rooms.” 

Where there is smoke, there is fire.  And when Prime Time is chirping about your locker room after a win during NFL GameDay Highlights, that means that there is a 4 alarm blaze potentially on the horizon.  Now I have been trying to will Jim Harbaugh to the Giants or Michigan for months.

Again, in 18 months Jim Harbaugh will be wearing blue. It will either be for the Giants or for the Wolverines

— Clem (@TheClemReport) September 7, 2014

But considering I did the same thing when I willed Larry Donnell from an unheralded tight end into the best player in football, can you truly doubt my newfound powers?

If Martellus Bennett is the Black Unicorn then Larry Donnell is the Black Voltron #nyg #giants #BlackVoltron

— Clem (@TheClemReport) September 23, 2014

Am I saying that Jim Harbaugh will definitely be the coach after the Giants go 14-2 and Tom Coughlin goes out on top like John Elway?  No.  But I am saying that I may have magical Twitter powers that will lead to Jim Harbaugh becoming the next Giants coach in less than 18 months. And he will probably be coaching Ndamukong Suh.

P.S.- I cannot WAIT for Harbaugh to do the triple slobber victory wipe while wearing Giants blue.  It will be like the modern day Red Auerbach victory cigar.

For more New York Giants soothsaying, follow me on Twitter @TheClemReport

Pop Quiz: Is This A Picture Of The 7 Train During Rush Hour Or A Picture Of Occupy Hong Kong?

Time- Police used tear gas, batons and pepper spray against pro-democracy demonstrators in central Hong Kong on Sunday, as tens of thousands joined a civil-disobedience movement that seeks unfettered elections for the city’s top job.

The demonstrations, which were originally supposed to be confined to the Central district, continued into Monday morning and spread to various neighborhoods, including across the iconic harbor in Kowloon. Tear gas even billowed into the city’s famously efficient subway system.

Well that is the most terrifying thing I have ever seen in my life.  I took the 7 train to work when I lived in NYC and it was a daily struggle of having pushy Asians throw elbows at you while they entered and exited the train.  Plus there was absolutely no regard for common human courtesies, like letting a person out of the train before you wanted to get in the train.

On the plus side, I bet there are some sick bootleg DVDs being slung in Occupy Hong Kong right now.  And you won’t find a better deal on AA batteries in the entire universe.

For more comments poking fun at of important current events, follow me on Twitter @TheClemReport

Adam Schefter Reports That Ndamukong Suh Wants To Play In New York Next Year. I Report That I Just Went 6-To-Midnight After Reading That News

Pro Football Talk-  It’s a given that Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh will hit the open market in March. With a franchise tag that would exceed $26 million and the plug pulled on contract talks during the season, it makes no sense for Suh to accept an offer from the Lions after the season ends but before he becomes a free agent.

When Suh becomes a free agent, he’ll have interest in playing in New York, according to Adam Schefter of ESPN. Suh realizes the potential benefit of being in the Big Apple, especially with Jay-Z serving as his marketing representative. 

Well isn’t this a lovely way to end a beautiful NFL weekend?  The Giants smoked the Redskins, the Eagles lost a heartbreaker in San Francisco, and one of the young defensive stars in football wants to play in the media capital of the world.  I have already convinced myself that the Giants are going 14-2 on their way to a Super Bowl championship, so I guess you could say things are looking up in the Casa de Clem these days.

Now before you say “Clem, he said he wants to play in New York. He may sign with the Jets”, allow me to explain.  The Jets have Sheldon Richardson as their Defensive Tackle and need to get their defensive backfield and passing game fixed before they stack their front 4 more than it already is.  It would be like the Mets signing Jon Lester this winter.  It’s not going to happen.

Big Blue on the other hand would be a wonderful place for Ndamukong Suh to continue his career.  The Giants haven’t had the same “draft and develop” success up front that they have had in years past while Jerry Reese does have a history of spending big money on potentially impact defensive linemen.  Suh may be expensive, but he may also be one of the most talented defensive free agents to hit the market in a long time.

Finally, the name Ndamukong Suh was tailor-made for the headline writers of the Daily News and New York Post.  Please sign him, Jerry.  Pretty please with sugar on top.

h/t @SeanAndBoShow for the link

For more thoughts regarding the soon to be 14-2 Super Bowl Champion Giants, follow me on Twitter @TheClemReport

Inside The Mind Of A Hardo. Case #1: The BEER 1 Mercedes Benz

I saw this son of a bitch at the bank today and I have been racking my brain to figure out his license plate.  My three lead suspects are:

A. Beer is #1.  This is clearly the leader in the clubhouse.  Because who doesn’t like drinking beer and being cool?  You ain’t cool unless you drink beer and think beer is #1 while you drive your Benz.  Odds: -500

B. He loves yelling BEER! and wanted his license plate to say the same.  However, the DMV doesn’t have a Shift-key.  After he yells BEER!, he then asks if you know how much this car costs.  He will then complain about the price of every day items, because that’s what rich people do.  Odds: +550

C. He is a functioning, extremely wealthy alcoholic that starts drinking in the morning and changes cars based on what number beer he is drinking.  A longshot, but I want to believe that this guy isn’t a complete dickbomb. Odds: +1200

Verdict: Who cares?   Fuck this guy.  I just needed to get some internet shaming out of me before the weekend got here.  Hope everybody has a good one!

For more internet whistleblowing, follow me on Twitter @TheClemReport

The Suitsy (AKA The Suit Onesie For Men) Could Make Cubicle Life 1% Less Soul-Crushing

BetaBrand- Jesse Herzog explains his debut Think Tank concept:

Welcome to a revolution in apparel for the modern gentleman. Imagine looking professional but feeling like you’re in pajamas. Consider wearing a suit and a onesie at the same time. Welcome to the Suitsy.

The Suitsy is a jacket connected to a shirt connected to pants. A zipper is hidden behind the shirt-button placket (with false buttons) and pants zipper. Fake shirt-cuff material extends from the end of the jacket sleeves to give the impression of a complete dress shirt worn underneath. It’s as if a jumpsuit and a business suit had a lovechild.

Let’s change the world, one better-looking, more leisurely gentleman at a time!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA!  A huge chunk of the reason I refuse to become a corporate drone is that I never wanted to dress the part.  I am the guy who complains about wearing a suit no matter how important or serious an event is.  The minute I get home from an outing that requires a suit, I immediately peel it off and throw on some shorts and a t-shirt.

But the Suitsy is an absolute game-changer.  Now when you get home from work, you have no reason to change.  Because the Suitsy is probably the most comfortable thing in your wardrobe.  You can now go from being the pseudo slob at the bar to the kind of overdressed guy that a chick may actually want to bang.  And your asshole boss that is always miserable because he is uncomfortable in suits?  He is now semi-tolerable if he is free balling it in a Suitsy.  Everybody wins.

Now I know what you are thinking.  “Clem, the guy who is selling the Suitsy looks like an absolute tool”.  I hear that and I agree with you.  But I am sure that the people who invented fantasy football and video games aren’t GQ models.  This is just another example of not judging a book by it’s cover author.

For more thoughts from a guy who would wear a onesie for the rest of his life if it was remotely socially acceptable, follow me on Twitter

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The Advertising Mascot Death Match Tournament: Finals

Well after countless gallons of virtual blood was spilled, we have made it to the finals.  So read the rules and vote on the matchup below.  I have included the CBS March Madness song for inspiration as you make your pick.

The Giants Kill Whatever Was Left Of The Redskins After South Park

Well that was just awesome.  A New York sports legend that everyone counted out the last few months turned back the clock tonight and gave a vintage performance.  But enough about Eli Manning.  The entire Giants team brought the wood tonight in Washington and thoroughly dominated a seemingly good team for the second straight week.

My Tribute To Derek Jeter Before His Final Game At Yankee Stadium

Number 2, the rooster’s cockadoodledoodledoo is so important to our lives.  Look at that cotton ball snowman.  He just plays the arts and crafts game the right way.  And the glue?  So clutch.  Billy Madison is the true Captain of kindergarten.  #2chool will never be the same without him.

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