Archive for October, 2014

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ESPN- Major League Baseball enjoyed the two greatest words in all of sports with a Game 7 in the World Series on Wednesday, but LeBron James believes his regular-season opener with the Cleveland Cavaliers has the potential to draw even more attention.

“For me, I know all of us shouldn’t take this moment for granted,” James said after shootaround Thursday in advance of the Cavs’ home game against the New York Knicks. “This is probably one of the biggest sporting events that is up there ever.”

The Miracle On Ice.  Super Bowl XLII.  Game 6 of the 1986 World Series.  The Thrilla In Manilla.  And of course, Knicks @ Cavs on 10/30/14.  Just a collection of the biggest and best games ever.

Bron Bron, why do you do this to yourself?  Everyone in the entire WORLD loved you until you pulled the rug out from under the with The Decision and The Welcome Party.  Then you leave Miami, go back home, and everyone decided to forgive and forget.  And this is how you repay us?  A million commercials about your return home and saying things like tonight’s game “is probably one of the biggest sporting events that is up there ever”.

I am officially out on The Return (and I want to kill myself for capitalizing The Return.  Ugh, I just did it again!).  This is all about marketing and making a brand name.  Just like Carmelo didn’t come back to NYC for the money, LeBron didn’t go back to Cleveland to win them a championship.  He went back to make himself a global icon.  Anyone who doesn’t believe that is a sheep.  So if you want to believe in LeBron, go put on your Cavs jersey and eat your blue raspberry Blow Pops.  Because the only people that are bigger sheep than LeBron fans are people who think Blue Razz tastes good.

 

When I closed my eyes, I could have sworn that Christopher Wallace was spitting hot fire again.  Nope, just a 70+ year old Cuban immigrant on a sparsely watched ESPN show.  However, I can’t lie, I was pretty disappointed when I realized Papi wasn’t going to rap any Bone Thugs lines.  I have listened to “Notorious Thugs” roughly 10,000 times and I still just grunt noises whenever the Bone Thugs parts come on.  Being disappointed that Dan Le Batard’s dad didn’t break down the lyrics to a timeless hip hop classic is #WhitePeopleProblems like you read about.

Say what you want about Michael Kay, but he is an annoying moron that isn’t even a pimple on Mike Francesa’s fanny. Kay can tell you how many gray hairs Derek Jeter has on his face, but he can’t recognize the voice of the guy who hands him his lunch every day in the ratings? What an uttuh, uttuh disastuh *handwave*.  You come at Numbah One, you best not miss.

What the HELL was that?!?!  Before I posted this blog, I thought about ignoring the commercial because they may have purposely made it so comically bad to ensure it would trend.  But the majority of people who actually vote don’t actively read blogs or use Twitter.  Since I am not a sheep, my vote is up for grabs until the minute I go into a voting booth.  I don’t vote by party, I vote on the issues at hand (AKA read about them 2 minutes before I vote).

However, if you are a complete muckraker (and especially if you use awful boloney puns), I will vote against you on principle alone.  So congrats Sean Maloney, you have your first vote of the election.  I hope you aren’t a complete asshole.

P.S. I believe that all politicians are crooks and I hate politics.  I sincerely hope this is the last political blog I ever write.  I am Clem and I begrudgingly approve this blog post.

Carmelo Anthony

via reddit (duh)

So Alan Hahn did a reddit AMA a few weeks ago and I finally got around to checking it out. Hahn was peppered with questions about the 2015 Free Agency class because that’s what life is like for Knicks fans now. Here were his answers:

hahngasool

hahngasol2hahngasolkd   hahndurant

Nothing really groundbreaking, but I completely agree with Hahn’s take.  There is almost no chance that Durant comes to New York and plays in a crazy market with a dipshit owner.  The one X-Factor is that Phil is a great basketball mind that can probably talk up superstars better than any other executive in the league.  Pat Riley recruited LeBron James by talking about Michael Jordan and legacies.  Well Phil helped put those 6 rings on MJ’s hands (and vice versa, obviously).  Add in the 7 Phil won with the Knicks and Lakers, and you have to think that any player that wants to win titles will at least give the Zen Master a chance to plead his case.   There is already one superstar here in Melo, so if KD wants to come here, it wouldn’t be the craziest idea in the world.

But Durant strikes me as a guy who either stays loyal and re-signs with Oklahoma City or goes home like LeBron and plays for the Wizards.  Making Marc Gasol the priority is the best option and probably the best fit for the Knicks.  A team running Phil Jackson’s triangle offense with an elite scorer and a Gasol brother won the Lakers two championships.  Granted, there were also players like Ron Artest, Lamar Odom, Andrew Bynum, and Derek Fisher in the mix.  But getting one of the best centers in the league to pair with Melo would be a hell of a start to competing in the East with LeBron and the Cavs.

A few other “highlights” from the AMA:

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This has to be the all-time worst answer to the question “What is your best Clyde story?”.  Clyde Frazier was stylin’ and profilin’ in Paris, and the best story you have is that you walked around and took pictures?  What an absolute crock of horse shit.  I want to hear that Clyde and Hahn hit a dozen French brothels and partied like it was the 1973.  Unacceptable.

hahnhotter

Rirruto10 comes in hot with that question and Hahn throws it right back in his face.  Rirruto is lucky that Hahn didn’t knock his block off for chirping at his “sisters” like that.  And for the record, homey is spelled H-O-M-E-Y.

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hahnstarks

A great question by Mommy_Fucked_Gandhi.  And Alan’s answer just ripped open a huge scab in my Knicks fan soul.  I am going to go stare out my window drink a fifth of vodka as I try to get 2-18 out of my head now.

tacobell

Eater- Social media sites are abuzz with the news that Taco Bell has blacked out its online presence in an effort to promote its new app, rumored to be launching later today. Taco Bell changed its Twitter handle to @totallynothere so as to make it appear that it has erased all content. Its official Twitter account has been blacked out. Content on the company’s Facebook page has been deleted and all images have been blacked out. On Instagram, Taco Bell released a series of black and white text-based images with the hashtag #onlyintheapp. Taco Bell’s website, a hub for its menu, franchisee information, press releases, and investor news, has also been blacked out.

Rumors have been swirling about Taco Bell’s new app since news of its forthcoming release was announced earlier this year. Though fans may be able to connect to each other via the mobile app, its unlikely to replace Taco Bell’s Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook presence for good. The app will push Taco Bell ahead of some of its competitors by allowing users to order food ahead, and by notifying users of when their order is ready to be picked up. Payment options will also be streamlined through the app, though its unclear if Taco Bell has partnered with a related service such as Square or Apple Pay or if it has designed its own payment processing system.

This is an absolute game changer for fast food.  I always found it fascinating that people could get stoned and make a rational decision at Taco Bell.  Whenever I go there sober, I turn into a pile of mush just staring at all the options on the menu.  Finally I just enter freak mode and order a chalupa, a Dorito taco, and a few random sides.  Now you can pick as many items as you would like right as the THC is entering your brain.  What a time we live in.  There are three clear winners from this announcement:

1. Taco Bell (duh)- More time to order = more food ordered.  It really is that simple.  Have you ever ordered Chinese food with a group of people?  It goes from everyone ordering their own meal to just a complete food orgy.

2. Big and Tall stores- These places are about to gain a bunch of some new customers because of #1.  Winter weather + Taco Bell mobile ordering = Biggest bulking season ever.

3. Plumbers- I don’t think I really need to explain this one.  But instead of blacking out their social media, I think they should have given away black toilet seats.  It is about to get very real in bathrooms across our great nation.

Toilet Seat1-800x800

 

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Platinum > Lead, by the way.  “Ray, when someone asks you if the Bears are going to beat the Patriots today, you say YES”.   Bill Murray is the fucking man.

Update: No.

bears

Hey ESPN, Shut Upppppp

Posted: October 26, 2014 in Uncategorized

F you, ESPN.  If you are going to use the “Shrimp On The Barbie” line, it better be in reference to a New Jersey or Austrian accent.  There are PLENTY of ways to make fun of British people.  Butchering a “Dumb and Dumber” quote is not one of them.  Stick to creating fake controversies and hiring ex-murderers.  Leave the “humor” to us bloggers.

h/t to Jamie Clem for the video

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NJ.com-  America has rejected the idea of cappuccino-flavored Lay’s potato chips.

Frito-Lay says Wasabi Ginger won its contest that gives people a chance to create a new flavor, beating out the coffee-flavored chips and the two other finalists — Mango Salsa and Cheddar Bacon Mac & Cheese. Parent company PepsiCo Inc. says about 1 million total votes were cast online for the Do Us A Flavor promotion, a sales driver it has launched in more than a dozen countries.

In the U.S., bags of the four finalist flavors hit shelves in late July and people were able to vote on Facebook and Twitter for their favorites through this past weekend. It was the second year for the U.S. contest, which is designed to send customers to stores in search of the flavors. Last year’s winner, Cheesy Garlic Bread, is still on shelves.

The winner, Meneko Spigner McBeth, was to be informed at a dinner for finalists Monday night in New York City, with an announcement from the company expected Tuesday. McBeth, a registered nurse from Deptford Township, will get $1 million or a portion of a year in sales, whichever figure is larger.

What a bunch of malarkey.  Wasabi Ginger was the third best flavor out of those chips, and it wasn’t even close.  But those sandbagging sons of bitches at Lay’s gave Wasabi Ginger the advantage of being put on a kettle cooked chip.  A diarrhea-flavored chip would be decent if it was kettle cooked.  Anyway, good for Meneko, who probably went through a lot of issues in her life with that name.  If she has a brain, she will take the $1 million dollars over a portion of a year in sales, because no one is going to buy that shitty flavor in the store.

For the record, here were my reviews of the chips from over the summer:

Mango Salsa

Yuck.  After this first review, I am that thinking I may be in over my head.  Two very offsetting flavors make this a weird combination.  The mango flavor overpowers you in the beginning and the salsa flavor comes on at the end like a bat out of hell.  I definitely ranked this too high in the video.  Putting the mango salsa on a Wavy Lay’s chip was clearly done to trick a simpleminded fellow like myself.

Rating: 5.9/10 in the video.  I am changing my score to 4.5/10 after tossing and turning all night thinking it over.

Cappuccino

Out of all the chips, this flavor was the one I was expecting to like the least.  I hate to admit my prejudice, but I am just a mere human being put on this earth to review random foods.  But being the professional I am, I power on.

There is a subtle cappuccino taste that leaves you wanting more with each bite.  Lay’s has made a legit dessert potato chip option that is good.  I am just as surprised as you are.

Rating: 8.3/10.  The potato chip equivalent to kettle corn.  You can definitely binge on these if you aren’t careful.

Cheddar Bacon Mac & Cheese

I’ll keep this one simple.  This can and should be a flavor in the Lay’s potato chip line.  It should also be a Ben and Jerry’s ice cream flavor.  That good.

Rating: 8.7/10.  ‘Merica.

Wasabi Ginger

Meh, nothing great.  It was completely unfair to put this flavor on a kettle cooked chip, which is the best potato chip in this great country of ours.  It does taste like wasabi and ginger with some serious spice at the end.  But not a great flavor for a potato chip.  This chip has no honor.

Rating: 6.7/10.  R.I.P. Yokozuna.

All Four Flavors At Once

#YOLO.  #YODO.  Don’t live or die while eating these four flavors at once.

Rating: 3.5/10.  You know when you mix all the paint colors together and you get that weird brown color?  That’s what these four chips taste like when they are eaten at one time.

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Rating: 9.0/10: It is pretty hard to mess up kettle cooked potato chips in my eyes, as they are the kings of the potato chip family.  This chip has a solid crunch and isn’t too salty.  Cape Cod chips are still my #1, but Saratoga did a prettyyyyyy, prettyyyyyy, pretyyyyyyy good job with their chip.  They also have a dark russet chip which I have to try, as Cape Cod has apparently discontinued their take on the classic flavor.  That makes me 😦

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