Archive for October, 2014

Rating: 8/10.  The best part of the candy is the texture.  It is the perfect mix of chewy and firm.  The sharks are also not sour and have a more subtle taste than most watermelon candies.  However, don’t get it twisted.  Sour Patch Watermelons are still the king of the watermelon candy game.  And maybe the king of all fruit candy (yeah, I said it).

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Westchester News 12-  A patient at a Westchester hospital is being monitored for possible Ebola symptoms.

Westchester County Executive Rob Astorino says the risk of the patient having Ebola is extremely low. “I don’t think they are even going to test for Ebola,” he said.

Sources tell News 12 reporter Tara Rosenblum a patient was brought in last night that is being watched through an abundance of caution. They say the patient is from Liberia, but has not been back to the country in a while. However, the patient recently came into contact with someone from Liberia. Rosenblum says the patient is being treated at Phelps Memorial Hospital in Tarrytown. A hospital spokesman has not confirmed that information.

The source says the patient has a high fever, but there has been no test for Ebola yet. The name of the patient has not been released.

Well that was a rollercoaster ride of an article, huh?

HEY, SOMEONE IN NEW YORK MAY HAVE EBOLA!

But don’t worry, there odds of it being ebola are very low.

THE POTENTIAL EBOLA PATIENT IS FROM LIBERIA!

But he/she hasn’t been to Liberia in years.

HOWEVER, THE PATIENT RECENTLY CAME INTO CONTACT WITH SOMEONE FROM LIBERIA AND MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE SUCKED ON THE TONGUE OF THE LIBERIAN CITIZEN FOR DAYS ON END!!!

Just a hodge podge of good news and bad news lumped together so you don’t know how you should feel.  But you DO know that you have to go back to the news website or turn CNN on if you want to find out when you will be bleeding out of your eyes like the patients from Outbreak.  After years of bungling the internet, news organizations may have finally figured it out.  Just scare and confuse us.  Well done, mainstream media.  You are now the frogurt Krusty doll salesman from The Simpsons.

P.S. I cannot wait to watch a ton of old Simpsons episodes from my quarantined house after I get Ebola.  Basically everything from Bart The General until Season 12 or so.  Anything after that is basically the Ebola of television.

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Citrus Slush

Rating: 7.75/10. Not 100% orange flavor, but still mostly orange.  You can live with this being the low flavor on the totem pole.

Blue Raspberry Rush

Rating: 5.75/10. Blue raspberry is the most overrated flavor in the history of flavors, with green apple finishing a close 2nd.  This flavor throws off the entire chemistry of the pack.  It is the opposite of the rug that ties the room together in The Big Lebowski. 

Strawberry Lemonade Chill

Rating: 8.8/10. Full disclosure: I love the living shit out of strawberry lemonade drinks.  If it is on a menu at a restaurant, it is going down my gullet.  Starburst nailed the flavor, too.  Good work, faceless flavor scientist being paid to give America diabetes.

Cherry Splash

Rating: 9.2/10. I constantly waver between Strawberry and Cherry for what the best Starburst flavor is.  Strawberry is more subtle and tasty, while cherry brings the heat.  So the Starburst people go by the tried and true Keep It Simple Stupid mantra here.  So Cherry splash tastes like a regular cherry Starburst with a little extra flavor (like Santa Coke, which I am convinced has extra syrup compared to regular Coke).

Overall Pack

Rating: 7.9/10.  Admittedly, the blue raspberry flavor just completely sidetracks the entire pack.  But as every person that found their way to this blog knows, your grades suffer when you get a D.  Poor form, Starburst.

Brand Mascot Deathmatch

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Well after millions thousands hundreds of votes were cast, we have ourselves a champion in the Advertising Mascot Death Match Tournament.  Mayhem AKA the Travis Durden of Madison Avenue took home the belt pretty convincingly.  Just looking at his run, he faced legit competition every round.  Brawny Man, Mr. Clean, Joe Camel, and Burger King would wipe the floor with 99% of the people reading this blog.  So hats off Mayhem and thank you for being one of the few commercials I don’t mind watching 5,000 times every Sunday.

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So Larry Donnell AKA The Black Voltron shouted out this reddit thread for trying to come up with a nickname for the (soon to be) greatest tight end of all-time.  I am not here to disparage anyone, but the nickname The Don would be the most basic nickname in NFL history.  The evolutionary Black Unicorn + Megatron-esque matchup nightmare  = The Black Voltron.  It is really that simple.

So what I need everyone to do is to go to that reddit thread, Donnell’s Twitter feed, and/or Donnell’s Instagram page to let him know that you want his nickname to be Black Voltron.  If not for me, then for the criminally underrated 80s cartoon and toys that we all knew and loved.  #BlackVoltron has formed.

P.S. The Voltron song was absolute FIRE.  The first rapper to make a good song with that beat wins the rap game forever.

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ESPN- Bartolo Colon’s season ended with more than 15 wins and crossing the 200-inning threshold. The 40-year-old right-hander also became a U.S. citizen, according to Katie Tichacek, a public affairs officer at U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services. The ceremony with Colon and his wife Paula took place on Saturday, the day before Colon won the season finale at Citi Field.

There are eight requirements for citizenship (reprinted below directly from the U.S. government fact sheet):

• Be at least 18 years of age;
• Be a lawful permanent resident (green card holder);
• Have resided in the United States as a lawful permanent resident for at least five years;
• Have been physically present in the United States for at least 30 months;
• Be a person of good moral character;
• Be able to speak, read, write and understand the English language;
• Have knowledge of U.S. government and history; and
• Be willing and able to take the Oath of Allegiance.

Alright guys, no more fat guy jokes about Bartolo.  He is now an American, which means that being overweight is OK and usually expected.  It’s hard not to absolutely love everything about this square shaped Gremlin.  All the dude does is throw strikes, eat innings, and win games.  That makes him a much better American citizen than guys like Mike Pelfrey and Kyle Farnsworth.  If Bartolo had needed a sponsor, I would have been the first person in line to volunteer for him.

I also never knew that becoming an American citizen was so easy.  When Apu tried to do it in The Simpsons, he had to jump through a bunch of hoops and take a test at the end.  Classic episode.

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