Archive for October, 2014

Hey ESPN, Shut Upppppp

Posted: October 26, 2014 in Uncategorized

F you, ESPN.  If you are going to use the “Shrimp On The Barbie” line, it better be in reference to a New Jersey or Austrian accent.  There are PLENTY of ways to make fun of British people.  Butchering a “Dumb and Dumber” quote is not one of them.  Stick to creating fake controversies and hiring ex-murderers.  Leave the “humor” to us bloggers.

h/t to Jamie Clem for the video

For jokes slightly better than the Vine above, click the button below



-775fe098e188a1f2  America has rejected the idea of cappuccino-flavored Lay’s potato chips.

Frito-Lay says Wasabi Ginger won its contest that gives people a chance to create a new flavor, beating out the coffee-flavored chips and the two other finalists — Mango Salsa and Cheddar Bacon Mac & Cheese. Parent company PepsiCo Inc. says about 1 million total votes were cast online for the Do Us A Flavor promotion, a sales driver it has launched in more than a dozen countries.

In the U.S., bags of the four finalist flavors hit shelves in late July and people were able to vote on Facebook and Twitter for their favorites through this past weekend. It was the second year for the U.S. contest, which is designed to send customers to stores in search of the flavors. Last year’s winner, Cheesy Garlic Bread, is still on shelves.

The winner, Meneko Spigner McBeth, was to be informed at a dinner for finalists Monday night in New York City, with an announcement from the company expected Tuesday. McBeth, a registered nurse from Deptford Township, will get $1 million or a portion of a year in sales, whichever figure is larger.

What a bunch of malarkey.  Wasabi Ginger was the third best flavor out of those chips, and it wasn’t even close.  But those sandbagging sons of bitches at Lay’s gave Wasabi Ginger the advantage of being put on a kettle cooked chip.  A diarrhea-flavored chip would be decent if it was kettle cooked.  Anyway, good for Meneko, who probably went through a lot of issues in her life with that name.  If she has a brain, she will take the $1 million dollars over a portion of a year in sales, because no one is going to buy that shitty flavor in the store.

For the record, here were my reviews of the chips from over the summer:

Mango Salsa

Yuck.  After this first review, I am that thinking I may be in over my head.  Two very offsetting flavors make this a weird combination.  The mango flavor overpowers you in the beginning and the salsa flavor comes on at the end like a bat out of hell.  I definitely ranked this too high in the video.  Putting the mango salsa on a Wavy Lay’s chip was clearly done to trick a simpleminded fellow like myself.

Rating: 5.9/10 in the video.  I am changing my score to 4.5/10 after tossing and turning all night thinking it over.


Out of all the chips, this flavor was the one I was expecting to like the least.  I hate to admit my prejudice, but I am just a mere human being put on this earth to review random foods.  But being the professional I am, I power on.

There is a subtle cappuccino taste that leaves you wanting more with each bite.  Lay’s has made a legit dessert potato chip option that is good.  I am just as surprised as you are.

Rating: 8.3/10.  The potato chip equivalent to kettle corn.  You can definitely binge on these if you aren’t careful.

Cheddar Bacon Mac & Cheese

I’ll keep this one simple.  This can and should be a flavor in the Lay’s potato chip line.  It should also be a Ben and Jerry’s ice cream flavor.  That good.

Rating: 8.7/10.  ‘Merica.

Wasabi Ginger

Meh, nothing great.  It was completely unfair to put this flavor on a kettle cooked chip, which is the best potato chip in this great country of ours.  It does taste like wasabi and ginger with some serious spice at the end.  But not a great flavor for a potato chip.  This chip has no honor.

Rating: 6.7/10.  R.I.P. Yokozuna.

All Four Flavors At Once

#YOLO.  #YODO.  Don’t live or die while eating these four flavors at once.

Rating: 3.5/10.  You know when you mix all the paint colors together and you get that weird brown color?  That’s what these four chips taste like when they are eaten at one time.

For more ramblings of a mad man, follow me on Twitter by clicking the button below

If you would like to see more food reviews from me, go to Instagram and search #ClemFoodReport

Rating: 9.0/10: It is pretty hard to mess up kettle cooked potato chips in my eyes, as they are the kings of the potato chip family.  This chip has a solid crunch and isn’t too salty.  Cape Cod chips are still my #1, but Saratoga did a prettyyyyyy, prettyyyyyy, pretyyyyyyy good job with their chip.  They also have a dark russet chip which I have to try, as Cape Cod has apparently discontinued their take on the classic flavor.  That makes me 😦

For more mumbo jumbo like this, follow me on Twitter by clicking the button below

If you would like to see the rest of my food reviews, go to Instagram and search the hashtag #ClemFoodReport

Rating: 8/10.  The best part of the candy is the texture.  It is the perfect mix of chewy and firm.  The sharks are also not sour and have a more subtle taste than most watermelon candies.  However, don’t get it twisted.  Sour Patch Watermelons are still the king of the watermelon candy game.  And maybe the king of all fruit candy (yeah, I said it).

For more nonsense like this, click the button below.

For more food reviews like this, go to Instagram and search the hashtag #ClemFoodReport.


Westchester News 12-  A patient at a Westchester hospital is being monitored for possible Ebola symptoms.

Westchester County Executive Rob Astorino says the risk of the patient having Ebola is extremely low. “I don’t think they are even going to test for Ebola,” he said.

Sources tell News 12 reporter Tara Rosenblum a patient was brought in last night that is being watched through an abundance of caution. They say the patient is from Liberia, but has not been back to the country in a while. However, the patient recently came into contact with someone from Liberia. Rosenblum says the patient is being treated at Phelps Memorial Hospital in Tarrytown. A hospital spokesman has not confirmed that information.

The source says the patient has a high fever, but there has been no test for Ebola yet. The name of the patient has not been released.

Well that was a rollercoaster ride of an article, huh?


But don’t worry, there odds of it being ebola are very low.


But he/she hasn’t been to Liberia in years.


Just a hodge podge of good news and bad news lumped together so you don’t know how you should feel.  But you DO know that you have to go back to the news website or turn CNN on if you want to find out when you will be bleeding out of your eyes like the patients from Outbreak.  After years of bungling the internet, news organizations may have finally figured it out.  Just scare and confuse us.  Well done, mainstream media.  You are now the frogurt Krusty doll salesman from The Simpsons.

P.S. I cannot wait to watch a ton of old Simpsons episodes from my quarantined house after I get Ebola.  Basically everything from Bart The General until Season 12 or so.  Anything after that is basically the Ebola of television.

For more thoughts before I inevitably contract Ebola, click the beautiful button below.


Citrus Slush

Rating: 7.75/10. Not 100% orange flavor, but still mostly orange.  You can live with this being the low flavor on the totem pole.

Blue Raspberry Rush

Rating: 5.75/10. Blue raspberry is the most overrated flavor in the history of flavors, with green apple finishing a close 2nd.  This flavor throws off the entire chemistry of the pack.  It is the opposite of the rug that ties the room together in The Big Lebowski. 

Strawberry Lemonade Chill

Rating: 8.8/10. Full disclosure: I love the living shit out of strawberry lemonade drinks.  If it is on a menu at a restaurant, it is going down my gullet.  Starburst nailed the flavor, too.  Good work, faceless flavor scientist being paid to give America diabetes.

Cherry Splash

Rating: 9.2/10. I constantly waver between Strawberry and Cherry for what the best Starburst flavor is.  Strawberry is more subtle and tasty, while cherry brings the heat.  So the Starburst people go by the tried and true Keep It Simple Stupid mantra here.  So Cherry splash tastes like a regular cherry Starburst with a little extra flavor (like Santa Coke, which I am convinced has extra syrup compared to regular Coke).

Overall Pack

Rating: 7.9/10.  Admittedly, the blue raspberry flavor just completely sidetracks the entire pack.  But as every person that found their way to this blog knows, your grades suffer when you get a D.  Poor form, Starburst.

Brand Mascot Deathmatch


Well after millions thousands hundreds of votes were cast, we have ourselves a champion in the Advertising Mascot Death Match Tournament.  Mayhem AKA the Travis Durden of Madison Avenue took home the belt pretty convincingly.  Just looking at his run, he faced legit competition every round.  Brawny Man, Mr. Clean, Joe Camel, and Burger King would wipe the floor with 99% of the people reading this blog.  So hats off Mayhem and thank you for being one of the few commercials I don’t mind watching 5,000 times every Sunday.

For future Death Match Tournament suggestions, tweet me @TheClemReport