Archive for December, 2014

If you don’t think that the “Let It Shine, Shine, Shiiiiiiiine” song in the Glade commercial was the Best New Holiday Song of 2014, you are insane.  And if you don’t think my rendition of it at least gets me a Mark Ronson song, if not an actual record deal, you are batshit crazy. Pipes like you read about.

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My heart goes out to all you suckers that are driving long distances to see your families.  So Santa Clem has decided to drop some knowledge on you poor souls with an easy, fun game that will help that long drive seem only moderately soul-crushing.

1. Decide on a draft order.  Going in the order of whose birthday is next is probably the easiest.

2. The draft is a snake draft.  So if you have the 1st pick of the 1st round, you have the last pick of the 2nd round, the 1st pick of the 3rd round, etc.  If you don’t know what a snake draft is, you should probably stop reading and/or breathing.

3. The draft is 5 rounds long.  So that means everyone ends up with 5 songs.  There is no artist associated with the songs, only the songs matter.  So if you draft “All I Want For Christmas Is You”, you get all versions of the song, not just the Mariah version.

4. You get 1 point every time your song is played.  If the IMMEDIATE next song played is one of your songs, you get 3 bonus points.  If the song IMMEDIATELY after that is one of your songs too, it’s an auto-win and the game is over.

5. Dominick The Donkey cannot be drafted.  If Dominick The Donkey plays, whoever scored the last point loses a point.

6. Make sure to put something good on the line so you can brag your ass off during Christmas dinner.

Merry Christmas ya filthy animals!

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Tis the season to eat and drink your face off in the name of Baby Jesus.  Food companies across our great nation recognize this as well, so they slap a bunch of peppermint on a product just in time for Christmas.  Here are my 15 second food reviews for some of the best Christmas treats I could find (at a random Rite Aid on a December afternoon):

Pepperidge Farm Candy Cane Milano

Rating: 8.8.  Milano cookies and candy canes are both tasty and classy as hell on their own.  Combined it is a dream.  8.8 may have even been shorting them.  I was seeing stars when I ate that cookie.  THAT’S how good they are together.  And yes, this is how a mint cookie should be done, Thin Mints.  The Girl Scouts should go back to the drawing board with Candy Cane Milano as their inspiration.

 

Gingerbread Peeps

Rating: 4.2.  If you like eating a bunch of Peeps, or even raw marshmallows in general, you are a weirdo that simply cannot be trusted.  Marshmallows were a good dessert back when horse racing was a national sport and the cup and ball was a fun toy.  Times change.  However, the only thing worse than Peeps are gingerbread.  Gingerbread is basically graham crackers with a weird aftertaste.  Another way to put this is that gingerbread is to winter as pumpkin spice is to fall, which means it sucks and is overrated.

 

Andes Creme De Menthe Christmas Tree

Rating: 8.7.  You become smarter and more sophisticated when you eat an Andes mint.  It really is that simple.  Plus you don’t have to brush your teeth before bed.  And if you don’t think of Home Alone the minute “Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree” comes on the radio, you are a lost cause of a human.

 

Candy Cane Shotglass

Rating: 1.2.  Nothing like drinking straight vodka and expecting to have a nice peppermint aftertaste, except just getting a kick to the face with a vodka aftertaste.  A for effort, F – in execution.  F you Candy Can Shotglass company that is likely run by child laborers in China

For more 15 second food reviews, check out and subscribe to my Youtube Channel or watch below:

 

I love everything about this video.  It calls out the subway for what it really is: One of the worst places on Earth.  The only beefs that I have with Johnny T are that his accent is a little extreme and he is a spineless Yankees fan.  But his rules were very accurate.  Here are a few that Johnny left out:

1. If all the subway cars of a train are full except for one, DO NOT GO IN THAT CAR.  Because there is a dead homeless person inside that smells like shit.  Actually smells like shit is wrong.  They smell like dead homeless person, which is a very unique smell that you will never know (or forget) until you actually smell it.

2. If you are going on the 7 train, you will be swarmed by Asians the same way NYC was swarmed by killer bees in the Wu-Tang Triumph video.  Just close your eyes and protect ya neck.

3. Do not ever look a street performer in the eyes. Their lifeless, soulless glance will actually make you think about paying $1 for that absolutely horrific rendition of Jingle Bells.  You must put your headphones in and glue your eyes to the floor the second that glorified pan-handler asks for everyone’s attention.

And while Johnny T did a bang up job, we can all agree that nothing beats Kneehigh Park when it comes to learning about life in the city.

<em>h/t <a href=”http://twitter.com/lowballj”>@lowballj</a&gt; for the link</em>

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F you, Wal-Mart.  The last thing I needed after a close loss and another Melo hat was to see Jeremy Lin’s face laughing at me.  Linsanity was basically the polar opposite of the current state of Knicks basketball.  A bunch of straight up nerds (Lin, Landry Fields, and Steve Novak) winning games they had no business winning as The Garden completely ate it up.  Then we let Lin go for nothing and brought back Fatboy Ray Felton to run the point.

Fast forward to today and we have a team that isn’t even trying to tank losing every game in the most heartbreaking fashion possible.  And I understand that this was probably a mistake made by some Wal-Mart employee making $3 per hour.  But I would hope that Carmelo Anthony is a big enough name to know that he isn’t an Asian basketball player, let alone that his name is not Anthony Carmelo.  But this is just sad.

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IGN- Jeffrey Donovan, who spent seven seasons as the star of USA’s Burn Notice, is joining the cast of FX’s Fargo for its second season. Plus, according to The Wrap, Parks and Recreation’s Nick Offerman has been offered a role – though he’s not currently in negotiations.

Donovan will be playing a character named “Dodd.” No other details have been provided about the character. The same goes for the role Offerman is being sought for, which is “Carl.”

I gotta say, Nick Offerman was born to play a midwestern cop in a dark comedy.  He has the personality, acting chops, and killer stache needed for a quirky show like Fargo.  Plus, he is from Illinois and has the face of someone that has eaten more sausages and cured meats in his life than he’d care to admit.  I have only seen a few episodes of Parks and Rec, but Ron Swanson steals the show every damn time.  Do the right thing Nick and accept the role.  It is your density.

The only person that would be a better fit for a role on Fargo is the mom from Bobby’s World. She had the perfect accent and was always freaking pregnant.   And Bobby’s brother Derek had to be the inspiration for the Billy Bob character from Season 1, right?  Just a diabolical asshole that wanted to watch the world burn.

 

Damn, that show was awesome.  I immediately went down a Bobby’s World YouTube wormhole and found the old intro.  Straight fire.

 

And you may ask, who wrote such a great theme song?  There is only one answer, my friends.

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TESHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

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Simply put, Die Hard is the best movie of all-time.  It is also a Christmas movie.  So ipso facto, Die Hard is the best Christmas movie of all-time.  With less than 2 weeks until Saint Nick squeezes his fat ass down a billion chimneys, I figured it was the perfect time to put my Die Hard Power Rankings up on The Stool.

These rankings only apply to the first movie.  If you are ranking the actual movies, it goes 1,3,2 (while imagining that 4 and 5 never happened).  And comparing Die Hard to the Bond or Bourne movies is like comparing Mariano Rivera to Ruben Rivera.  No contest.  Anyway, here are the Definitive Die Hard Character Power Rankings.

 

25. Airplane Passenger

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This douchey know-it-all gives McClane some rock solid advice about “fists with your toes”.  If you have never tried “fists with your toes” after a long flight, you are a Grade-A boob.  I also kinda wish this guy took a bullet to the dome at some point of the movie.

 

24. Tony

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Gotta give Tony some serious props for being able to cut the phone wires before Karl comes in like a maniac and chainsaws everything.  Growing up with Karl must have been tough, since he is a legitimate fucking psycho.  Tony cannot be ranked higher because he is quickly outsmarted by McClane, has awful fashion sense, and dies like a pussy.  Plus he clearly has a baby dick based on the size of his shoes.

 

23. Eddie

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Eddie is a decent shooter with the midwestern charm and demeanor that makes Trent look mean and aggressive (which is basically impossible).

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22. Harvey Johnson

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Hey look!  It’s LA’s least favorite anchorman!  Harvey stands out as an arrogant jerk in a movie full of them.  I imagine he is a drinker, womanizer, and absentee parent.  If he was on TV today, there would definitely be a viral YouTube video of him dropping racist comments as the cameras were recording without his knowledge.

 

21. Paulina

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Ahhh, Paulina. Holly seems to love her, but she doesn’t put up much of a fight against Thornburg.  She lets that weasel and the news team in the house to interview/exploit the kids and puts their parents in danger.  That being said, she does get bonus points for likely being the inspiration for the Family Guy maid.

 

20. Gail Wallens

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When we are first introduced to the news team, we see how Gail keeps everything professional despite being surrounded by a small army of blowhards.  She also has awesome 80s hair and a pearl necklace.  Haha, pearl necklace.

 

19. Marco

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Hans’ ace skydiver comes in at this spot because of one scene that ages like a fine wine.  What an accent.  What a dose of irony.

 

18. Ginny

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The older you get, the more you respect Ginny.  She works her ass off on Christmas Eve for a soulless corporation and is looking to get boozy despite being 9 months pregnant.  She just reeks like a party girl single mom that wouldn’t make it 10 minutes as a Mets employee under Jeff Wilpon.

 

17. Agent Johnson

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Clearly the cooler-headed of the 2 Johnsons, we don’t hear much from him in the movie.  But his “I was in Junior High dickhead” line is phenomenal and he kinda looks like Carl Weathers in this picture, which has to count for something.

 

16. Lucy McClane

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Lucy is up this high for a few reasons.  She answers the phone like a professional.  She isn’t afraid to ask the tough questions (When are you coming home?  Is daddy coming home with you?).  And she has the cutest lisp in the history of cute lisps.

 

15. The Couple Banging During The Christmas Party

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Getting down during your company’s Christmas party is pretty damn ballsy in general, let alone when the party is in the office.  You know these two call #Mailtime regularly to bump nasties.  As for this chick’s boobs…

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14. Joseph Takagi

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A sophisticated, well-dressed man that ends up with a blowhole in the back of his head.  Literally the kind of boss that would die for his company’s well-being.  He definitely gives off that “pushy Asian dad” vibe, though.

 

13. Airplane Stewardess

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The “fuck me eyes” this little minx has for McClane almost throws the whole movie for a loop.  If he wasn’t going to see his kids, I guarantee he takes her and his giant stuffed bear back to a hotel and spends a lovely Christmas Eve yippee-ki-yay’ing all over her.  Hans robs the building, the hostages die, and the terrorists are on the beach earning 20% before anyone has a clue what happened.  That is how powerful this look is.  Resisting it may be the most impressive thing McClane does in the entire Die Hard series.

 

12. Uli

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Uli steals every scene he is in and makes the most out of every minute of screen time.  All that and A+ facial hair make him a first ballot inductee to the Bit Movie Character Hall Of Fame, along with Samuel L. Jackson in Jurassic Park, The Baby from Roger Rabbit, and John Candy in Home Alone.

 

11. Special Agent Johnson 

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Basically the prototype for every cigarette-smoking, blowhard government agent in future action movies.  Special Agent Johnson is the hardo’s hardo.  A Top 10 character in any other flick.

 

10. Richard Thornburg

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This is where the list gets really tough to chop down.  Thornburg is such a great sleezeball that he appears in Die Hard 2 and you are actually excited to see him.  As ruthless and cunning as a TMZ reporter, Big Dick Thornburg was ahead of his time.  But this isn’t even this actor’s best performance of a dickless asshole in an 80’s movie.

 

9. Dwayne T. Robinson

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Dwayne T. Robinson is to bumbling Deputy Police Chiefs what Special Agent Johnson is to FBI Agents.  Simply the prototype for all future movies to copy.  His chemistry with Powell could have lead to a fantastic black and white cop sitcom that would have killed it in the ratings.  The execs in Hollywood just don’t know a can’t miss when they see it.  He obviously was also the GOAT asshole authority figure in The Breakfast Club as well.

 

8. Argyle

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Argyle is the most likable character in the movie.  He cracks jokes, knows how to have fun while on the job, and would probably help you bury the body of a dead hooker if it meant he would get a better tip.  His achilles heel is that he has terrible awareness of what’s going on around him.  Busting through the gates of a parking garage after a hostile showdown with terrrorists was not the smartest thing in the world.  I do not understand why the LAPD didn’t open fire on his limo after he did that .  And while we are talking about it, why didn’t Argyle drive through that gate earlier in the movie?  And what if Theo wasn’t a terrorist?  Would ramming into his car and knocking him out been a smart move?  There are always more questions than answers when it comes to our buddy Argyle.  But since he is smooth as fuck, we are willing to overlook them.

 

7. Karl

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The biggest European movie badass this side of Ivan Drago, Karl is the real muscle behind the operation.  Hans is the planner, Theo is the brains, and Karl is the rabid dog off his leash after Tony gets killed.  The cat and mouse game with McClane keeps you on the edge of your seat for the entire movie.  Karl has incredible hair, shows great leadership, and survives an attempted hanging.  Let me say that again: HE SURVIVES AN ATTEMPTED HANGING!  Finally, Karl being a ballet dancer in real life is one of the biggest mind fucks you will ever experience.

 

6. Theo

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I think the reason I love Theo so much is because I see a lot of myself in him.  He is the smartest villain, the wittiest character in the movie, and has a silver tongue.  “Oh my God, the quarterback is toast” and the “Twas the night before Christmas” play by play are so fucking great. Theo is the 6th man of Die Hard.  He may not get the most minutes or the best stats, but the whole team/movie falls apart without him.

 

5. Holly

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This seems about right for the best estranged wife in the history of estranged wives.  This is the woman that was able to tame the bucking bronco known as John McClane.  That feat alone puts her in the Top 5.  I will deduct points for the whole maiden-name fiasco, regardless of the motivation behind it.  And despite her whole 80s get up, Holly looks fine as fuck at the end of the movie when she is covered in blood/sweat/sprinkler water.

 

4. Al Powell

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Al Powell is the kindest soul in Die Hard.  He buys Twinkies for his pregnant wife, ignores insults from convenience store clerks, and is always there for John.  Sure Powell mistakenly shot a kid once, but that was before social media, so all the mainstream media fuckheads probably ignored it.  We love you for who you are, Carl Winslow!

 

3. Harry Ellis

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A poor man’s Jordan Belfort, Ellis loves blow more than the 86 Mets.  He shamelessly goes after a married woman, cares way too much about self-image and brand names, and tries to buy/negotiate his way out of everything.  He is 1980s America all rolled into one glorious stereotype.  Somehow you love Ellis every minute he is on screen yet also cheer when he takes a bullet between the eyes.  There is something to be said for that type of versatility.

 

2. Hans Gruber

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And here he is folks, the greatest movie villain of all time.  Hans has an eye for fashion, an incredible bad guy voice, and is always one step ahead of the game.  He is ruthless, calculating, yet hilarious.  Hans Gruber was such a great character, that when they revealed that Simon was his brother in Die Hard 3, it made the movie roughly 100000 times better.   He is definitely in the Top 5 for best movie characters ever.  Substitute anyone else for Alan Rickman, and both Hans and McClane are not as nearly entertaining.  The only reason that Hans is not number one on this list is because his plan ultimately failed.

Underrated fact:  Hans Gruber’s last words were “Yippee Ki Yay, Motherfucker”, followed by a long, creepy laugh scene that will never get old.  Just hearing “Yippee Ki Yay, muddafuck” in Hans’ accent will always be funny.

 

1. John McClane 

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Not much needs to be said about John McClane.  If you read this much of the blog post, you already have a good idea how great John McClane is.  He is the coolest, funniest, toughest person ever. He is not only the best Die Hard character of all-time, but the best movie character of all-time and a true American hero.

 

Now hit his God damn music!