I Just Fixed New Year’s Eve In Five Easy Steps

Posted: January 1, 2015 in Random Thoughts, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,


You are probably reading this blog still hurting from a bunch of bad decisions on December 31st. The holiday New Year’s Eve needs to be fixed. A holiday based around drinking should be fun, not something people complain about every year. Dressing up, drinking dry champagne, and competing for chicks that will probably puke on you is for the birds. Here are my five simple steps to making New Year’s Eve amazing again:

1. Flip The Script


New Year’s Eve should be about everything awesome that happened in the previous year. So how do we celebrate that? By combining everything good from the last 12 months, which is basically the holidays. People should drink recklessly like St. Patrick’s Day, light fireworks like the 4th of July, dress in costumes like Halloween, have a ridiculous feast like Thanksgiving (turkey optional), and give gifts like Christmas (except you just buy one nice gift for yourself). New Year’s Eve just went from a holiday that is fun to complain about to literally the best night of everyone’s year. Except for Emergency Room doctors. They will hate this holiday even more than they do now.

Good luck sleeping after looking at that bastardized holiday nightmare above.

2. The Tournament


Incorporate some sort of annual sports event that involves countries playing against each other in some sort of tournament. I usually hate watching soccer, swimming, track and field, skiing, etc. But there is no denying that the World Cup and the Olympics are incredible because rooting for your country is awesome. Pick a sport where the entire event can take place from December 26th-31st, with most of the games being played during the day. Day games can make even the saddest cube monkey smile. The championship game is played on New Year’s Eve and must be played in an indoor or warm weather stadium that observes the Eastern Time Zone (the only time zone that truly matters).

3. The Official Party


Anyone that goes or plays in this game gets treated to an epic party immediately afterwards. The host stadium is the new center of New Year’s Eve. Times Square is dead. This is the party everyone wants to be at. Biggie and 2Pac’s holograms will be there. Kathy Griffin and Ryan Seacrest will not.

4. The Bowl Games


All important bowl games take place on January 1st or later. You can still have the Belk Bowl or the Raycom Media Camellia Bowl whenever the hell you want. Just realize that the yearly tournament I just created is going to destroy every single bowl game in the ratings along the way. There is also no more complaining about which teams did/didn’t make the playoffs. It is a minor league sport with a minor league playoff system. If you want great playoffs, watch the NFL on Sundays. Also, the NHL Winter Classic stays on New Year’s Day too, because it’s awesome in HD.

5. The Days Off From Work


The 31st and the 1st are both holidays. Like real deal, you don’t get mail, if your friend has to work on that day they should quit their job holidays. No more of the “31st is kind of a holiday” crap. If you make your employees work on the 31st or the 1st, Uncle Sam can tax your face off.

Boom. New Year’s saved.

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