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I watched that video three times trying to figure out what the hell Jeremy Fowler meant by the Browns having rubber duckies at quarterback, and it still doesn’t make sense. But regardless, Fowler seemed proud as a peacock about that analogy. However, a tip from Twitter telling me that maybe Fowler was referring to the Urban Dictionary definition of a rubber ducky.
As it turns out, the Browns HAVE had rubber duckies at quarterback for years. Great job by Jeremy Fowler and the Worldwide Leader for finally getting weird like the rest of us.
Final Rating: 8.9/10. Unlike some of the reviews I have done in the past, this actually tastes like the food it is imitating. French toast rules and French Toast Crunch tastes like French toast. I missed French Toast Crunch the first time it made its rounds in grocery stores, but I’m happy I didn’t miss the encore performance. The geniuses at Cinnamon Toast Crunch have done it again!
In related news, I have been eating a lot of cereal for lunch lately. Nothing will make you feel like more of a poor person than eating cold cereal for lunch more than in emergencies (and even in the emergencies, you feel pretty poor).
To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.
Pssst, The Patriots will host the Steelers in the Thursday Night season opener. The Giants and Cowboys will play the first Sunday Night Football game of the season. The Seahawks will go to Green Bay Week 2. Miss Lippy’s car is green.
Just random nonsense flood my Twitter timeline as is, but these NFL schedule leaks are the worst. Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely eat every one of them up because I am an NFL fiend. But it just seems RIDICULOUS that this is how everyone finds out the schedule before the “announcement” tonight at 8. I have to print out every Giants schedule tweet and glue it to a piece of poster board just so I can see what the finished product looks like before the official announcement. JK, that would be creepy.
In honor of the Mets’ home opener, I am going to re-run this blog that I wrote in November. As I did in 2014, I broke down the best promotions of the schedule. This may be the first Mets season in a long time where the product on the field is better than the products given out for free off the field. On to the rankings:
39.
If you wear a fedora, you are an asshole. If you wear a fedora that was given away at a Mets game, you should probably kill yourself*
*This does not hold true for Bruno Mars, who is the only person in the world that can successfully pull off a fedora.
Wow. Just wow. That video left me breathless. First of all, lets just get this out in the open. That lady slept with the entire Wu Tang Clan. Not just one or two of the members of Wu Tang. But all 150 of them. The Rza, The Gza, Ol Dirty Bastard, Inspectah Deck, Raekwon the Chef, U-God, Ghostface Killah and the Method Man. Sure ODB may be dead in the physical form, but that dude is alive in spirit. And he slept with this woman. Pure common sense says if you are a young woman with the Wu after a concert at 7 am, you slept with those guys. But when this is your response to the judge asking about what your night was like with the Wu Tang Clan:
YOU ARE GUILTY! The fact, smile, and wistful clutching of the hands says it all.
Next up, I don’t understand why this guy is so upset. Just be happy that your (ex?) girl made it out of there alive. I would be scared to be in the same room as people in the Wu just from hearing the torture song from 36 Chambers. Just life-altering, chilling stuff there. The woman you had and loved is gone. Like in Hangover 2 when they say “Bangkok has him now”. Well guess what Nathan? The Wu has Lia now. Is it fair? No. But that is what may happen if you let your shorty go to a Wu Tang concert without you. I don’t want to say it’s Nathan’s fault, but it’s one billion percent Nathan’s fault. I just wish Lia could own it and tell the stories of what happened that magical night with Killa Beez. Then again, I am extremely happy I will never hear that story.
I am not sure how many people have seen the video or played Dumb Ways To Die on their phone, but I know it had like 100 billion downloads a few years ago. The game was always a fun way to pass a couple of minutes while getting that goddamn awesome hook stuck in your head. But whoever took that song and animated the biggest Game of Thrones deaths over it is a genius. I thought I was hyped for tomorrow night’s premiere until I saw Khaleesi’s dickhead brother get a liquid golden crown and Joffrey die all over again. Now I am fucking STOKED. If the trade-off is that I have to hear that song in my head until 9 PM tonight, so be it. And sure, maybe Theon isn’t technically “dead”, but if your dick gets cut off by a raving lunatic and you now think that you are a dog, you certainly cannot be considered “alive”.
However, not all of the video was fun to watch. #RIP to basically every Stark I ever loved except for Arya. I flat out refuse to rewatch the Red Wedding and I turn away from the TV in the beginning of the next episode when Robb’s dead body has his dead direwolf’s head stapled on. I need Arya’s body count to reach triple digits by the end of this season so I can feel like Ned and Robb’s deaths were properly avenged (probably not going to happen).
Anyway, here are a few more videos to whet your appetite for tonight’s premiere.
If the video above wasn’t bloody enough for you, here is every death from seasons 1-4:
Season 5 previews:
Compilation of the best Red Wedding reactions:
Arya’s reaction to the Red Wedding:
Compilation of the best reactions to Oberyn Martell getting his head popped the fuck off:
Uncut long shot from last season’s battle on The Wall:
And of course, the best show/opening sequence in TV history. I just have this song playing on loop in my house right now. In my defense, I am not what you would call a “cool person”.
PS- “Dumb ways to die. So many dumb ways to die. Dumb ways to diiiiiie. So many dumb ways to die”. Sorry, but you know it’s still stuck in your head.
Opening Day projections: Travis and Encarnacion on pace for 162 home runs. Jays on pace for 162 win season. #bookit — Jon Muma (@jonmuma) April 7, 2015
Opening Day. A day of eternal hope. Warm weather and girls in sun dresses are right around the corner. To quote the great Lego Movie, “Everything is awesome”.
And then it happens. The first batch of “on pace” tweets comes in. And then a few minutes later, a couple of coworkers hit you with their own “on pace” jokes. And then finally, your local announcer, the man that will take this 162 game journey with you hand-in-hand, throws his own “on pace” joke out there. And at least he is ensured that the color commentator will laugh at his “joke”. But all this tomfoolery is just another example of why people cannot have nice things like Opening Day.
So if you hear a friend, family member, coworker, or even total stranger using one of these “on pace” stats after one game, please tell him/her that it is not cool or funny. And that no one likes them. And they will die alone and nobody will go to their funeral if they continue to make jokes like this. Together we can save the world from these tyrants.
Listen, I hate Duke as much as the next guy. Their fans are arrogant and their players are just so hatable. But if you wear a red Teletubby outfit in public and have a sour puss on your face when your team loses, you deserve the countless bad internet memes that will come out for the next few days/weeks/months. They used to say that everyone has 15 seconds of fame. That is no longer the case. Now everyone is either an internet meme or has a sex tape. That’s just like in 2015, folks.
PS- After multiple viewings, I think this is my favorite part of the video:
After appearing on the podcast a few weeks ago, I rejoined the Put It In The Podcast show to talk about Mets seasons predictions and discuss the recent moves (Lagares contract and actually acquiring living, breathing left-handed pitchers for the bullpen) in this episode. Oh yeah, and things get kind of weird.
Listen to the episode below and check out all episodes of the podcast on iTunes by clicking here. Happy Opening Day to all*! (*Mets fans only)
Commuting on the Metro North, LIRR, or New Jersey Transit is a soul-crushing daily occurrence for many of us. So shout out to the scruffy, semi-thin living Harold Ramis doppelganger for breaking up the monotony of the work week. And while I hate to admit how uncultured I truly am, how does a monocle stay on one’s face? Do you clip it to your eyebrow? Does the monocle somehow smoothly lodge to that bone above your eye? Or does it take years and years of practice? And wearing a monocle with a pleather jacket while scurrying in the rat race with the rest of us Metro North peasants is the definition of bougie.
Anyway, the only time it is okay to wear a monocle in 2015 is if you are dressing up as the Monopoly Guy from Ace Ventura 2 for halloween. And even then, you should be trying to think of a more culturally relevant costume.
Still one of the best scenes from what was a pretty disappointing movie for a young Clem. The rhino birth scene was easily the best, btw.
The Clem Report 