Archive for the ‘Crazy News’ Category


The only thing that white people love more than caffeine and pumpkin flavored foods/drinks is the occasional out of control blackout.  And now, thanks to the evil masterminds people at Four Loko, they can enjoy all three things at once.

Being a white person, this scares the living daylights out of me.  Because despite my hatred of all things pumpkin, sooner or later my DNA will take over and I will drink enough Pumpkin Spice Four Loko to make my heart explode.  However, there is one silver-lining to all of this.  There is not a group of people on Earth that loves trendy, pumpkin flavored beverages more than hipsters.  So at least I will have a few months to enjoy a hipsterless America before my genes get the best of me and I drink myself to an early grave.

I wish I could tie in a quote from a shitty Wes Anderson movie to make this the whitest blog of all-time.  Luckily, I don’t have the “I Love Shitty Wes Anderson Movies” gene that most white people do, so you guys will have to add your own quote to the end of this blog.

Finally, if this was some sort of hoax played by Four Loko or Jimmy Kimmel, well done.  I am sure that Brooklyn bodegas have lines longer than the Apple Store right now, with hipsters waiting patiently for the first batch of this swill to arrive.


God damn I love Bill Murray.  He is just like your fun, crazy uncle who always finds himself in the middle of wild stories.  Except Bill Murray is a millionaire actor who creates those weird stories just to blow peoples minds.  Using my trusty detective equipment, I learned that Murray is a partial owner of the team he was ripping tickets for.  So you have the millionaire actor who is also a part owner of the minor league team that you are going to see ripping your ticket.  Be cooler than Bill Murray.  You can’t.

via reddit



Food Beast-  Cats are the animal equivalent of grumpy teens working summer jobs — disinterested, lethargic, perpetually annoyed. Just ask Tencho, Hime, Dora, and Detch, the four newest cat employees for Pizza Hut Japan.

Part of the brand’s newest video campaign, Pizza Cat! is a completely fictional Pizza Hut location “run” entirely by cats. Run used only loosely of course, since the cat’s don’t ever really work. Instead, they sleep through alarms, stare at ringing telephones, claw at delivery bikes, and literally ride roombas all around the store.

Along with a video series highlighting the cats’ daily shenanigans, Pizza Cat! also got its own nifty website detailing the cats even further. There’s even a little disclaimer stating that if your pizza doesn’t arrive, it’s simply because the cats lost their motivation, please excuse them.

Another day, another bunch of wacky Asian commercials.  I am done trying to crack the code of why Japanese people love strange stuff and instead just bask on the glory of their weirdness.  At least if it was a funny commercial I could get behind it.  Maybe there is LSD in the drinking water.  Or years of eating uncooked fish.  I don’t know why they do what they do.  But I know that I freaking love it.

h/t Ballow

With all the mayhem going on in Ferguson last night, it was only a matter of time until someone threw their foot in their mouth. (more…)



Classic case of someone using their powers for evil instead of good.  I love a good hack job that makes the suits sweat through their, well, suits.  But this is just mean.  If the dirty dirty didn’t have enough heart break with Bryce Harper stomping on their beloved A, this guy had to throw the whole city into hysterics.

Tell me that there is an outbreak of diarrhea in Atlanta.  Who doesn’t love a good diarrhea joke?  Or maybe the old Yahoo’s refrigerator is running, we have to go catch it.  Nope, that won’t cut it.  Need to create a little mass hysteria with an ebola outbreak tweet.  If that tweet had said 145 people in New York had ebola, I would have packed my car up and hightailed it to Alaska.  To each their own, I suppose.



People- There’s a lot of unusual names out there – consider “Apple,” “Blue Ivy” and “Moon Unit” (Frank Zappa’s daughter), all of which are pretty tame choices compared to that of a Massachusetts couple, who petitioned to change their middle names to “Seamonster.”

The reasoning behind the “monstrous” name is anyone’s guess, since the couple are remaining private about their decision – they declined an interview on the name change after it started getting some attention.

“Thank you, but despite our crazy/flashy new middle names, my husband and I are pretty private,” the wife, Melanie Convery (or Melanie Seamonster Convery), Tweeted in response to MassLive.

Another Tweet posted by Convery humorously points out that she and her husband, Neal Seamonster Coughlin, were not expecting people to notice their legal petition, which was published in The Holyoke Sun on Friday. 

These people are assholes, plain and simple.  You don’t pull a move like this unless you want the attention.  Now, maybe they didn’t want the news to go viral and go up on big time sites like People and The Clem Report.  But you don’t get to pick what goes viral, the internet does.  Just the way it works, Toots.

As for the actual name, there better be a damn good story behind settling on “seamonster”.  There are a billion words I would rather have as a middle name over seamonster.  Here is a quick list of 20 off the top of my head: poncho, onomatopoeia, kryptonite, Samuel L. Jackson, brontosaurus, equator, magma, battleship, digital, hypotenuse, platypus, cranky, invisible, stardust, magazine, papaya, The Hungry Caterpillar, Shel Silverstein, butter, and land monster.  Boom, 20 without breaking a sweat.

PS- To be completely honest, 85% of the reason I blogged this story was to put up the seamonster scene from The Office.  R.I.P. Patrice O’Neal


NBC Oregon- Neighbors are angry over the way a Southeast Portland adult video store is advertising its business, believing it is way too visible to children.  “It’s a store that is basically advertising obscene and explicit content and it’s (inside a building that is) labeled a family book store,” said Matt McComas, who lives in the Brooklyn neighborhood with his wife and two young kids.

But above the window case is a poster advertising B-A Video, and explicitly listing the types of hardcore pornography it offers.  “The fact that there’s a children’s book in the front window and then a flier above it that’s advertising bestiality…they do not go in the same building,” said mother Jody McComas.

The owner of B-A Video disagreed.  “It’s my right for me to sell what’s legal,” said Angelo Ardito, who said he’s been selling porn in Portland for 38 years.  Asked what he thought about the possibility of a child seeing the word “bestiality” on his poster, Ardito replied, “They’ve got to learn sometime, you know?”

Wait, so kids don’t learn their ABCs by reading about Amateurs, Beastiality, and Compilations?  Have we gotten that soft as a country?  This is why the world is passing us by in education.

You may be creeped out by Ardito, but you have, have, HAVE to respect his swagger game.  The unbuttoned shirt and unkempt appearance say “I don’t care about the rules”, but the folded hands and walking stick say “I am a classy porn magnate at heart”.  In fact, you can probably buy a “Creepy Adult Video Store Owner” costume from Ricky’s around halloween time and that is the exact outfit.  And this is just a hunch, but I guarantee he doesn’t need that stick for walking.  He probably just loves having something weird as an accessory like the Penguin and his umbrella.  That’s some legit super-villain shit right there.

As for the offense at hand, I guess hanging naked pictures in the window of a public store could be seen as poor taste.  Then again, you can see almost the same exact stuff if you are watching Telemundo at 11 am on a weekday.  Honestly, what’s the big deal with seeing a little nipple?  Angelo Ardito, American Hero*

*Just kidding, I can smell this guy from New York.  Angelo Ardito, American Scuzzball.

God damn that kid is ADORABLE.  Just a murderer’s row of charming quotes:

“Wednesday was the worst day of my life”.  “I thinked about that was her being bad”.  “The bad guys stole my TV and my iPod”.  “It wasn’t the right skin color”. And the capper, “They got it back because of me being a superhero”.  Basically just a one-minute long reel of Abby being the best kid ever.  If they reboot Full House, I think we have the next Michelle Tanner.  Cuter than a new litter of puppies.

And good work by Cody Oaks not being COMPLETELY outraged by the not-so-thinly veiled racism of thieves blaming the black neighbor.  It is impossible to not think of the Superbad cops scene after seeing this story.

Canada Journal-  A Zimbabwean man has been arrested in South Africa after he allegedly killed a love rival in a savage attack, cut out his heart and ate it with a fork and knife.

Neighbours said the Zimbabwean, aged 35, visited the home of former girlfriend, Nomonde Soloshe, and found her with new flame, Mbuyiselo Manona

“When we got there the man kept muttering ‘I am the king’ and declaring his undying love for the woman. He then cut the heart out and ate it before the police came and took him away,” a witness said.

“On the scene they found a suspect, a Zimbabwean national, busy eating the heart of a human with a knife and fork,” police spokesman Frederick van Wyk told the Cape Times said.

The woman at the centre of the love triangle told police that her former lover had visited the house where she was living with her current partner and they had chatted together before he gave her money to buy liquor and she left.

When she returned she found her partner, 62-year-old Mbuyiselo Manona, had been stabbed, Van Wyk said.

Neighbours alerted by the commotion said they had peered through the house windows to see the man cutting out Manona’s heart and eating it.

“The whole situation was crazy. We were shouting at him to stop, but he did not listen,” one neighbour said.

There is no chance this chick ever gets another boyfriend, right?

 Seeing your ex with a new person?  Your blood may boil.  Getting into a fight with the new boyfriend?  I’m sure that will happen hundreds of times today.  That passion leading to a murder? Plenty of inmates have that on their wrap sheet.  Eating the heart of the victim?  Batshit crazy, but I still kinda get it.  But using a fork and knife to eat the heart?  The guy gets points for eating in a civilized manner, but that is still some next level psycho stuff right there.  You either have to bag it up like Lloyd Christmas or double fist that heart and chow it down a la Khaleesi.

As for muttering “I am the king” the entire time, I have to give the dude credit, he shoots for the stars.  He does not call himself A king, but THE king.  He may be legitimately insane, but his self-esteem is through the roof.  Are you gonna tell that sick son of a bitch that he ISN’T THE king?


PS- Still not 100% sure the Canada Journal is a reputable news source, but this story is too crazy not to be true, right?