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Final Rating: 6.2/10. Burger King could have gotten away with a below average effort if they just made a Whopper with a black bun. Who doesn’t love food coloring? Green beer on St. Patty’s Day is the tits! But if you are going to load a burger with A1 sauce and say the bun is “infused with A1 sauce”, you need to bring your fastball. And The King didn’t. Be better, Burger King. (PS: That is black bun in my teeth. I promise you my mouth is not rotting, even if I patently refuse to floss)
On a positive note, at least I found out this lovely tidbit after eating the Halloween Whopper. I should be in for a nice treat in a few hours (probably less than that if we are being honest, since it is Burger King after all)
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Last year,I did a review of all the flavors for the Lay’s Do Us A Flavor contest, which helped get me started down this long, cholesterol-raising road of food reviews. So being the man of honor that I strive to be, I have decided to do the reviews with the four new flavors of 2015: Southern Biscuits And Gravy, West Coast Truffle Fries, New York Ruben, and Greektown Gyro. Onto the reviews.
Southern Biscuits And Gravy:
Rating: 7.8
Pretty damn good. They kinda tasted like the turkey and gravy chips I reviewed at Thanksgiving time. Are they better than last year’s winner (in my mind at least) Bacon Mac N Cheese? Nope. Or Cappuccino? Probably not. But they are decent. And any time you get to listen to a little bit of Ludacris as you eat junk food, life isn’t all that bad.
West Coast Truffle Fries:
Rating: 4.2
Now this one broke my heart. Whenever someone orders truffle fries for the table, I will likely say something like “Oh, that’s cool. I’ll probably have a couple.” And then I do not hear another word of conversation at the table until the fries arrive because they are all I am thinking about. So yeah, I like truffle fries. But these things were a goddamn traveshamockery on that wonderful food.
New York Reuben:
Rating: 1.2.
The brief whiff of these chips almost made me throw up. But I gave them a shot anyway. As you can see in the video, it’s a gradual decline from tasting to disliking to pure hatred. When I say it tasted like a subway, I meant one of those subway trains where there is a homeless person that is asleep/dead in the corner and you can never get that smell out of your nose. Yup, that bad.
Greektown Gyro:
Rating: 0. Zero. A goddamn goose egg. The worst actual food I have ever tasted. Bigfoot’s dick level of disgusting.
So there are my reviews for this batch of Lay’s Do Us A Flavor chips. To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click play below or select the video you would like to watch by clicking the icon in the upper-lefthand corner and choose a review.
Final Rating: 4.1/10. Alright listen slingers of all things candy related. If you are going to make a treat with the Strawberry Starburst flavor, you better bring the heat. I said this back during the disaster that was the Taco Bell Strawberry Starburst Freeze. Strawberry Starburst is a first ballot Hall of Fame flavor. Stop sullying it’s bad name just to make a buck. Either do it right or don’t do it at all. You are breaking my goddamn junk food loving heart, people.
To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.
Final Rating: 10/10. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my favorite candy. Reese’s peanut butter is a sacred candy flavor. Anything less than perfection would have been simply unacceptable for me. But you know what? Carvel NAIIIIIIILED it. The ice cream tasted exactly like Reese’s peanut butter. God Bless you Carvel for making this old junk food reviewer’s heart soar and reminding him why he’s in the food review game.
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Final Rating: 7.6/10. The fruit flavored part of the pop is weeeeeeak. Way too watery for my tastes. But the saving grace of the pop is the Tootsie center. It’s probably just your typical fudgesicle, but it tastes like it has some Tootsie Roll flavoring because my brain can get tricked easily. If Popsicle improves the fruit part of the pop, they have themselves a winner (but nothing beats Choco Tacos or WWF Ice Cream Bars)
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Final Rating: 7.2/10. If you are going to say something tastes like a s’more, it sure as hell better taste like a s’more. And that cookie did not taste like a s’more. S’mores are as American as apple pie, so try to avoid spitting on the Constitution next time your flavor scientist nerds are making flavors in their lab, Oreo. And I will use that line from The Sandlot every single time I taste a disappointing s’mores product. Because The Sandlot is simply classic American cinema.
And finally, continuing with the “America” theme, ripping open that resealable packaging with one hand in the epitome of “American brawn”. I could probably be a G.I. Joe character if they still made those cartoons today.
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Final Rating: 8.5/10. Basically a Corn Nut, if you have ever had one of them. The butter and salt flavor is real good and can lead to some good old fashioned binging. The kernel was not too hard, which was my biggest worry going into the review. Well my biggest worry other than the health effects of doing all these junk food reviews for the love of the game. But that discussion is for another day. We have a bag of partially popped popcorn to finish.
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Final Rating: 8.9/10. Unlike some of the reviews I have done in the past, this actually tastes like the food it is imitating. French toast rules and French Toast Crunch tastes like French toast. I missed French Toast Crunch the first time it made its rounds in grocery stores, but I’m happy I didn’t miss the encore performance. The geniuses at Cinnamon Toast Crunch have done it again!
In related news, I have been eating a lot of cereal for lunch lately. Nothing will make you feel like more of a poor person than eating cold cereal for lunch more than in emergencies (and even in the emergencies, you feel pretty poor).
To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.
Final Rating: 8.7/10. As a Mets fan, I have no beef with Red Sox fans. We have a common enemy in Yankees fans and there is really no overlay. Plus, one of the greatest moments in Mets history is an all-time testicle kick (the 1986 World Series). This goes double for the Patriots and their fans. Anyway, Red Sox fans have a deep love for the Fenway Franks. I enjoyed them when I went to Fenway in 2005, but I never thought in a million years I would see them in a grocery store in suburban New York.
The Fenway Franks are more Ballpark frank than Nathan’s, Sabrett, or Hebrew National. A good amount of flavor and a compact dog. Thank GOD that grilling season has started again, which is officially anytime after St. Patty’s Day in the Clem household. It also means you cannot wear a winter jacket again until November. But that’s the responsibility that comes with the honor of grilling. Screw the Yankees, Lets Go Mets (and Red Sox too, especially times where it will piss off Yankees fans). And for the record, I am pretty sure that Fenway Franks were better than Dodger Dogs.
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Final Rating: 7.8/10. I think the review says it all. Chewy Chips Ahoy cookies are a Hall of Fame snack. Goes in easy and you can binge them in the blink of an eye. But if you are going to add creme inside, you need to add enough that I can taste it. Truth be told, a plain Chewy Chip Ahoy is probably a high 8 or a low 9. My problem is they need to be bigger. But I digress.
When you start teasing me with frosting talk and I can barely taste the dusting of frosting in the cookie, we are gonna have beef. Like serious 2Pac/Biggie, somebody’s got to die beef. So be better Chips Ahoy and get your act together for your next marvelous treat.
To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.
The Clem Report 