Archive for the ‘Food Reviews’ Category

Final Rating: 8.9/10.  Unlike some of the reviews I have done in the past, this actually tastes like the food it is imitating.  French toast rules and French Toast Crunch tastes like French toast.  I missed French Toast Crunch the first time it made its rounds in grocery stores, but I’m happy I didn’t miss the encore performance.  The geniuses at Cinnamon Toast Crunch have done it again!

In related news, I have been eating a lot of cereal for lunch lately.  Nothing will make you feel like more of a poor person than eating cold cereal for lunch more than in emergencies (and even in the emergencies, you feel pretty poor).  

To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.

 

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Final Rating: 8.7/10.  As a Mets fan, I have no beef with Red Sox fans.  We have a common enemy in Yankees fans and there is really no overlay.  Plus, one of the greatest moments in Mets history is an all-time testicle kick (the 1986 World Series).  This goes double for the Patriots and their fans.  Anyway, Red Sox fans have a deep love for the Fenway Franks.  I enjoyed them when I went to Fenway in 2005, but I never thought in a million years I would see them in a grocery store in suburban New York.  

The Fenway Franks are more Ballpark frank than Nathan’s, Sabrett, or Hebrew National.  A good amount of flavor and a compact dog.  Thank GOD that grilling season has started again, which is officially anytime after St. Patty’s Day in the Clem household.  It also means you cannot wear a winter jacket again until November.  But that’s the responsibility that comes with the honor of grilling.  Screw the Yankees, Lets Go Mets (and Red Sox too, especially times where it will piss off Yankees fans).  And for the record, I am pretty sure that Fenway Franks were better than Dodger Dogs.

To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.

 

Final Rating: 7.8/10.  I think the review says it all. Chewy Chips Ahoy cookies are a Hall of Fame snack.  Goes in easy and you can binge them in the blink of an eye.  But if you are going to add creme inside, you need to add enough that I can taste it.  Truth be told, a plain Chewy Chip Ahoy is probably a high 8 or a low 9.  My problem is they need to be bigger.  But I digress.

When you start teasing me with frosting talk and I can barely taste the dusting of frosting in the cookie, we are gonna have beef.  Like serious 2Pac/Biggie, somebody’s got to die beef.  So be better Chips Ahoy and get your act together for your next marvelous treat.

To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.

 

Final Rating: 8.2/10.  Pretty goddamn good, but it can get pretty goddamn messy as well.  I went into this review with a slanted outlook, being that dirt pails are a Clem family tradition that will dominate any summer barbecue dessert contest.  But if you are looking to get your fix from a $0.99 Lunchable, it does the trick.  But beware of the carnage it can cause on your hands if you black out and become a frosting and Oreo crazed savage.  And for the record, that shit isn’t frosting.  It is a watered down pudding variety.  As someone who has reached rock bottom and ate frosting out of the tub with a spoon, I know what pure, uncut frosting to the gullet tastes like.

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To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.

 

Final Rating: 9.4/10.  Wow.  Just wow.  A puffy, kind of buttery churro. I had the 100 emoji up because I really felt they were a 100/10. But since this was the best food I have reviewed so far, I had to make it fit in the scale of 10. So I deducted 0.6 from Sweetos because sometimes the butter taste is a little strong. But other than that, pure binge junk food perfection.  Hats off, Chester Cheetah.  You done did it again! Get these right meow before they take them off the shelves.

To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.

 

Final Rating: 7.1/10.  S’mores are 2 things:

1. Awesomely American.

2. The epitome of a hit or miss dessert.

I have made a few s’mores the last couple of years, and I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that if you pull off a great s’more, it may be the king of desserts.  But the odds of doing that are slim to none.  They either get too messy, the mallow doesn’t come out right, or everything falls apart.  It was a decent try by Lunchables, but it is impossible to replace how great a roasted mallow tastes or a freshly broken Hershey bar.  And graham crackers are probably the most underrated food in the history of the world.  I am never in the mood for a graham cracker, but can easily finish a brick of them if I just have one.  A for effort, D for execution, Lunchables (I think a 71 is a D, right?).

And if these are actually considered lunch food for kids now, the diabetes numbers of today will be child’s play to what they are in 10 years.

 

To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.

 

Final Rating: 8.1/10  There are 3 certainties in life:

1. Whenever a snack food has a “limited edition” or “limited batch” of a new flavor, I will 100% buy it.

2. I will rate any Cape Cod chip (other than Buffalo Cheddar) at least a 7.5 because of how well they kettle cook the chips.

3. People will mispronounce the word “chipotle” and it will drive me bananas.  I should not be friends with those people.

As for the chip, I’m not a huge flavored-chip guy.  It’s decent, not great.  Give me a bag of regular Cape Cod chips any day of the week.  And bring back the Dark Russets, God dammit!

P.S. I was in the Cape over the summer and stopped by the Cape Cod Potato Chip Factory.  I hate to admit how high that was on my bucket list.  Still brings a tear to my eye thinking about it.

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To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.