Archive for the ‘Food Reviews’ Category

Final Rating: 8.2/10.  Pretty goddamn good, but it can get pretty goddamn messy as well.  I went into this review with a slanted outlook, being that dirt pails are a Clem family tradition that will dominate any summer barbecue dessert contest.  But if you are looking to get your fix from a $0.99 Lunchable, it does the trick.  But beware of the carnage it can cause on your hands if you black out and become a frosting and Oreo crazed savage.  And for the record, that shit isn’t frosting.  It is a watered down pudding variety.  As someone who has reached rock bottom and ate frosting out of the tub with a spoon, I know what pure, uncut frosting to the gullet tastes like.

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Final Rating: 9.4/10.  Wow.  Just wow.  A puffy, kind of buttery churro. I had the 100 emoji up because I really felt they were a 100/10. But since this was the best food I have reviewed so far, I had to make it fit in the scale of 10. So I deducted 0.6 from Sweetos because sometimes the butter taste is a little strong. But other than that, pure binge junk food perfection.  Hats off, Chester Cheetah.  You done did it again! Get these right meow before they take them off the shelves.

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Final Rating: 7.1/10.  S’mores are 2 things:

1. Awesomely American.

2. The epitome of a hit or miss dessert.

I have made a few s’mores the last couple of years, and I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that if you pull off a great s’more, it may be the king of desserts.  But the odds of doing that are slim to none.  They either get too messy, the mallow doesn’t come out right, or everything falls apart.  It was a decent try by Lunchables, but it is impossible to replace how great a roasted mallow tastes or a freshly broken Hershey bar.  And graham crackers are probably the most underrated food in the history of the world.  I am never in the mood for a graham cracker, but can easily finish a brick of them if I just have one.  A for effort, D for execution, Lunchables (I think a 71 is a D, right?).

And if these are actually considered lunch food for kids now, the diabetes numbers of today will be child’s play to what they are in 10 years.

 

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Final Rating: 8.1/10  There are 3 certainties in life:

1. Whenever a snack food has a “limited edition” or “limited batch” of a new flavor, I will 100% buy it.

2. I will rate any Cape Cod chip (other than Buffalo Cheddar) at least a 7.5 because of how well they kettle cook the chips.

3. People will mispronounce the word “chipotle” and it will drive me bananas.  I should not be friends with those people.

As for the chip, I’m not a huge flavored-chip guy.  It’s decent, not great.  Give me a bag of regular Cape Cod chips any day of the week.  And bring back the Dark Russets, God dammit!

P.S. I was in the Cape over the summer and stopped by the Cape Cod Potato Chip Factory.  I hate to admit how high that was on my bucket list.  Still brings a tear to my eye thinking about it.

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Final Rating: 6.4/10.  This tastes nothing like an Oreo.  It’s just vanilla and chocolate pudding in a cup.  While I don’t hate that combination, you don’t lead people to believe that you are going to have that glorious taste of Oreo creme in the pudding cup.  The Oreo cookie (especially the creme part) is an American treasure.  Don’t you dare disgrace it, Jell-O.  Straight up communist shit right there.

Bill Cosby Impersonation Rating: 3/10.  I have learned that the camera adds (at least) 15 pounds and completely ruins all of my celebrity impressions.  Though to be fair, I don’t think I have ever tried to impersonate Bill Cosby until this video.  Big mistake.  Anyway, here is a Bill Cosby Gelatin Pop commercial that comes across much differently now than it did back then.  What exactly WAS he doing with his other hand during filming?  I don’t think we want to know.

 

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Final Rating: 8.7/10.  If you have watched my reviews, two things have become abundantly clear about me: I love flavored Blue Diamond almonds and I love 90s/2000s hip hop. So this review takes care of both of those. These things taste more like a candy than they do a snack, so keep that in mind if/when you buy them. And Foxy Brown remains incredibly underrated.

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Final Rating: 7.4/10. The flavor of Cheez It crackers are incredible. For my money, they are the best cracker in the snack food game. You don’t get that type of strong cheddar taste unless you are digging into the batter’s box against a Henry Rowengartner fastball. However, on the cheese puff, the flavor just tastes fake. It gets a 7.1 because like every cheese puff/doodle ever, these things are addicting. The real news here is that you can eat a ton of these and not walk away with solid orange fingers. That’s worth 0.3 review points, easily. Now we need the people at Cheetos to steal this technology and finally make the world a perfect place.

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Final Rating: 6.8/10. It’s chock full of cheese and steak, which I love. So now you are saying “Hey Clem, stop being such a nincompoop. If it has a ton of cheese and steak, it should be at least a 9.0”. But NOT SO FAST MY FRIEND. The flatbread (or whatever it is) cannot handle the weight. So everything falls apart. Plus it’s just kind of bland. It need a little more flavor in it. Maybe a hint of sour cream or nacho cheese to kick it up a notch.  How about some bacon bits?  Potatoes?  Get creative, Taco Bell. If I am going to put my intestines through the trauma of a Taco Bell run, I want it to be worth it.

 

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Final Rating: 2.2/10. Just your typically over-sweetened Taco Bell concoction. Nothing to see here. But what really hurts is how Taco Bell is tarnishing the good name of a Hall of Fame candy flavor (Strawberry Starburst). They hit a home run with the Doritos taco shells. But this was a huge strikeout. Shame on you, Taco Bell. Shame on you.

 

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Final Rating: 8.8/10.  The internet will not let us forget that bacon is awesome.  I don’t know if you can actually give bacon anything but a 10 because it is always a 10.  So Slim Jim Bacon Jerky actually is an 18.8/10, if that makes sense.  The price of a 2 oz. bag of bacon jerky costs the same as a pound of uncooked bacon, so take that into account before getting crazy and buying it in bulk.

Macho Man Impersonation Rating: 5/10.  I went into this review trying out my Macho Man and it was on point in my brain.  However, I wasn’t saying “Snap into a Slim Jim”.  I was saying things like “Oooooh yeah, dig it”.

I recorded the review and used it, despite knowing how awful my voice was because I honestly don’t know if I could have done a better version.  Anyway, here is my Macho Man impression doing an actual Macho Man line.  This is much better, in my opinion.

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#RIP

 

To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.