Archive for the ‘Movies’ Category

So with Jurassic World coming out soon, I figured this was the best time to ask this question. Whenever I think of the Jurassic Park song, I think of when they enter the park for the first time. But to be fair, the actual theme to Jurassic Park is a whole lot of Johm Williams awesomeness and a ton of people probably associate that more with the movie. So it’s time to ask the impossible question. Which Jurassic Park song is better?

Song A:


Song B:


Yes.  Yes it is.  I can’t wait to see all my old buddy Ned Ryerson again.  Needlenose Ned.  Ned The Head.  It’s the most wonderful time of the year.  Actually early February after the Super Bowl is quite literally the worst time of the year.  But this glorious movie at least lets us forget our problems for 101 fantastic minutes. God bless Bill Murray and Harold Ramis.


Simply put, Die Hard is the best movie of all-time.  It is also a Christmas movie.  So ipso facto, Die Hard is the best Christmas movie of all-time.  With less than 2 weeks until Saint Nick squeezes his fat ass down a billion chimneys, I figured it was the perfect time to put my Die Hard Power Rankings up on The Stool.

These rankings only apply to the first movie.  If you are ranking the actual movies, it goes 1,3,2 (while imagining that 4 and 5 never happened).  And comparing Die Hard to the Bond or Bourne movies is like comparing Mariano Rivera to Ruben Rivera.  No contest.  Anyway, here are the Definitive Die Hard Character Power Rankings.


25. Airplane Passenger


This douchey know-it-all gives McClane some rock solid advice about “fists with your toes”.  If you have never tried “fists with your toes” after a long flight, you are a Grade-A boob.  I also kinda wish this guy took a bullet to the dome at some point of the movie.


24. Tony


Gotta give Tony some serious props for being able to cut the phone wires before Karl comes in like a maniac and chainsaws everything.  Growing up with Karl must have been tough, since he is a legitimate fucking psycho.  Tony cannot be ranked higher because he is quickly outsmarted by McClane, has awful fashion sense, and dies like a pussy.  Plus he clearly has a baby dick based on the size of his shoes.


23. Eddie


Eddie is a decent shooter with the midwestern charm and demeanor that makes Trent look mean and aggressive (which is basically impossible).



22. Harvey Johnson


Hey look!  It’s LA’s least favorite anchorman!  Harvey stands out as an arrogant jerk in a movie full of them.  I imagine he is a drinker, womanizer, and absentee parent.  If he was on TV today, there would definitely be a viral YouTube video of him dropping racist comments as the cameras were recording without his knowledge.


21. Paulina


Ahhh, Paulina. Holly seems to love her, but she doesn’t put up much of a fight against Thornburg.  She lets that weasel and the news team in the house to interview/exploit the kids and puts their parents in danger.  That being said, she does get bonus points for likely being the inspiration for the Family Guy maid.


20. Gail Wallens


When we are first introduced to the news team, we see how Gail keeps everything professional despite being surrounded by a small army of blowhards.  She also has awesome 80s hair and a pearl necklace.  Haha, pearl necklace.


19. Marco


Hans’ ace skydiver comes in at this spot because of one scene that ages like a fine wine.  What an accent.  What a dose of irony.


18. Ginny


The older you get, the more you respect Ginny.  She works her ass off on Christmas Eve for a soulless corporation and is looking to get boozy despite being 9 months pregnant.  She just reeks like a party girl single mom that wouldn’t make it 10 minutes as a Mets employee under Jeff Wilpon.


17. Agent Johnson


Clearly the cooler-headed of the 2 Johnsons, we don’t hear much from him in the movie.  But his “I was in Junior High dickhead” line is phenomenal and he kinda looks like Carl Weathers in this picture, which has to count for something.


16. Lucy McClane


Lucy is up this high for a few reasons.  She answers the phone like a professional.  She isn’t afraid to ask the tough questions (When are you coming home?  Is daddy coming home with you?).  And she has the cutest lisp in the history of cute lisps.


15. The Couple Banging During The Christmas Party


Getting down during your company’s Christmas party is pretty damn ballsy in general, let alone when the party is in the office.  You know these two call #Mailtime regularly to bump nasties.  As for this chick’s boobs…



14. Joseph Takagi


A sophisticated, well-dressed man that ends up with a blowhole in the back of his head.  Literally the kind of boss that would die for his company’s well-being.  He definitely gives off that “pushy Asian dad” vibe, though.


13. Airplane Stewardess


The “fuck me eyes” this little minx has for McClane almost throws the whole movie for a loop.  If he wasn’t going to see his kids, I guarantee he takes her and his giant stuffed bear back to a hotel and spends a lovely Christmas Eve yippee-ki-yay’ing all over her.  Hans robs the building, the hostages die, and the terrorists are on the beach earning 20% before anyone has a clue what happened.  That is how powerful this look is.  Resisting it may be the most impressive thing McClane does in the entire Die Hard series.


12. Uli


Uli steals every scene he is in and makes the most out of every minute of screen time.  All that and A+ facial hair make him a first ballot inductee to the Bit Movie Character Hall Of Fame, along with Samuel L. Jackson in Jurassic Park, The Baby from Roger Rabbit, and John Candy in Home Alone.


11. Special Agent Johnson 


Basically the prototype for every cigarette-smoking, blowhard government agent in future action movies.  Special Agent Johnson is the hardo’s hardo.  A Top 10 character in any other flick.


10. Richard Thornburg


This is where the list gets really tough to chop down.  Thornburg is such a great sleezeball that he appears in Die Hard 2 and you are actually excited to see him.  As ruthless and cunning as a TMZ reporter, Big Dick Thornburg was ahead of his time.  But this isn’t even this actor’s best performance of a dickless asshole in an 80’s movie.


9. Dwayne T. Robinson


Dwayne T. Robinson is to bumbling Deputy Police Chiefs what Special Agent Johnson is to FBI Agents.  Simply the prototype for all future movies to copy.  His chemistry with Powell could have lead to a fantastic black and white cop sitcom that would have killed it in the ratings.  The execs in Hollywood just don’t know a can’t miss when they see it.  He obviously was also the GOAT asshole authority figure in The Breakfast Club as well.


8. Argyle


Argyle is the most likable character in the movie.  He cracks jokes, knows how to have fun while on the job, and would probably help you bury the body of a dead hooker if it meant he would get a better tip.  His achilles heel is that he has terrible awareness of what’s going on around him.  Busting through the gates of a parking garage after a hostile showdown with terrrorists was not the smartest thing in the world.  I do not understand why the LAPD didn’t open fire on his limo after he did that .  And while we are talking about it, why didn’t Argyle drive through that gate earlier in the movie?  And what if Theo wasn’t a terrorist?  Would ramming into his car and knocking him out been a smart move?  There are always more questions than answers when it comes to our buddy Argyle.  But since he is smooth as fuck, we are willing to overlook them.


7. Karl


The biggest European movie badass this side of Ivan Drago, Karl is the real muscle behind the operation.  Hans is the planner, Theo is the brains, and Karl is the rabid dog off his leash after Tony gets killed.  The cat and mouse game with McClane keeps you on the edge of your seat for the entire movie.  Karl has incredible hair, shows great leadership, and survives an attempted hanging.  Let me say that again: HE SURVIVES AN ATTEMPTED HANGING!  Finally, Karl being a ballet dancer in real life is one of the biggest mind fucks you will ever experience.


6. Theo


I think the reason I love Theo so much is because I see a lot of myself in him.  He is the smartest villain, the wittiest character in the movie, and has a silver tongue.  “Oh my God, the quarterback is toast” and the “Twas the night before Christmas” play by play are so fucking great. Theo is the 6th man of Die Hard.  He may not get the most minutes or the best stats, but the whole team/movie falls apart without him.


5. Holly


This seems about right for the best estranged wife in the history of estranged wives.  This is the woman that was able to tame the bucking bronco known as John McClane.  That feat alone puts her in the Top 5.  I will deduct points for the whole maiden-name fiasco, regardless of the motivation behind it.  And despite her whole 80s get up, Holly looks fine as fuck at the end of the movie when she is covered in blood/sweat/sprinkler water.


4. Al Powell


Al Powell is the kindest soul in Die Hard.  He buys Twinkies for his pregnant wife, ignores insults from convenience store clerks, and is always there for John.  Sure Powell mistakenly shot a kid once, but that was before social media, so all the mainstream media fuckheads probably ignored it.  We love you for who you are, Carl Winslow!


3. Harry Ellis


A poor man’s Jordan Belfort, Ellis loves blow more than the 86 Mets.  He shamelessly goes after a married woman, cares way too much about self-image and brand names, and tries to buy/negotiate his way out of everything.  He is 1980s America all rolled into one glorious stereotype.  Somehow you love Ellis every minute he is on screen yet also cheer when he takes a bullet between the eyes.  There is something to be said for that type of versatility.


2. Hans Gruber


And here he is folks, the greatest movie villain of all time.  Hans has an eye for fashion, an incredible bad guy voice, and is always one step ahead of the game.  He is ruthless, calculating, yet hilarious.  Hans Gruber was such a great character, that when they revealed that Simon was his brother in Die Hard 3, it made the movie roughly 100000 times better.   He is definitely in the Top 5 for best movie characters ever.  Substitute anyone else for Alan Rickman, and both Hans and McClane are not as nearly entertaining.  The only reason that Hans is not number one on this list is because his plan ultimately failed.

Underrated fact:  Hans Gruber’s last words were “Yippee Ki Yay, Motherfucker”, followed by a long, creepy laugh scene that will never get old.  Just hearing “Yippee Ki Yay, muddafuck” in Hans’ accent will always be funny.


1. John McClane 


Not much needs to be said about John McClane.  If you read this much of the blog post, you already have a good idea how great John McClane is.  He is the coolest, funniest, toughest person ever. He is not only the best Die Hard character of all-time, but the best movie character of all-time and a true American hero.


Now hit his God damn music!


Not really much to add to this.  There are so many great, random ads from movies.  The Truman Show ad was an especially nice touch.  Such an underrated movie.

With the cold weather setting in, I plan on getting REAL comfortable with my Netflix over the next few months.  Like uncomfortably close.  Like call the cops because this sick bastard is way too close for me kind of close.  Okay I will stop talking now.

God bless the internet.

h/t Ballow for the link


New York Times- Richard Attenborough, a distinguished stage and film actor in Britain who reinvented himself to become the internationally admired director of the epic “Gandhi” and other films, died on Sunday. He was 90. His death was confirmed by his son, Michael, according to the BBC. 

Years later Mr. Attenborough became known to a new generation of filmgoers as the wealthy head of a genetic engineering company whose cloned dinosaurs run amok in Steven Spielberg’s box office hit “Jurassic Park.” But for most of Mr. Attenborough’s later career, his acting was sporadic while he devoted much of his time to directing.

I hate to break it to the New York Times, but this guy is John Hammond, CEO of Jurassic Park to everyone in the entire world.  Don’t talk to me about what directing he did or any of the plays he starred in.  He is the neglectful grandfather that almost allowed two of his grandkids to be turned into T-Rex shit.  I will give you 10 million Schrutebucks if he doesn’t still have the cane with the mosquito in it.  And I also believe that we are 5 years away from cloning dinosaurs using the exact same method they used in the movie.  It’s basic science, folks.

So for one last time, lets play one of the most the best movie songs of all-time.  RIP Mr. Hammond Attenborough.


via Movoto

Basically if your state is not light blue or light red, you are surrounded by ignoramuses.  And yes, I understand that most people watch Game of Thrones and Fargo without pirating it.  But that’s not the point here.  If you are going through the effort of illegally downloading TV shows, it better be for something decent.  A few other thoughts.

1. Can we annex the green states to China in exchange for a few dollars off of our crushing debt?  Watching “The Big Bang Theory” is terrible enough.  But spending your time and bandwidth to download that show is almost criminal (well I guess it is definitely criminal, if you think about it).

2. New York should probably be stripped of it’s title as the capital of media (and capital of the world if we are being honest).  Torrenting Beauty and the Beast is just an abject disaster that there is no excuse for.  I would rather have a Tyler Perry show be listed there instead of CW’s production of the tale as old as time.

3. I have never heard of Orphan Black, but if West Virginia is the only state that torrents that show, there is NO way I am ever going to watch it.  It probably makes Deliverance look like a Disney movie.

4. I also don’t know a damn thing about Awkward or Penny Dreadful.  But not having the same TV tastes as the residents of Florida, Texas, and Maine is something I am actually proud of.

1. I can’t lie, I figured the Asian heavy populations of California and New York would hammer the Godzilla downloads.  Then again, I imagine most Germans avoided watching Inglorious Basterds for similar reasons.

2. If Texas didn’t have Lone Survivor as their movie, this entire map would be a fraud.  Same with Cuban Fury for Florida.  Right in their respective wheelhouses.

3. Alaska’s movie is about a Texas Cowboy who acquires and fights against AIDS.  I give up.

Great work by the people over at Movieclips to put this all together.  Simply click the Playlist link in the upper lefthand corner and relive your childhood through all of these videos.  We all had our favorites, and many of them are here.

A lot of great things have been said about Robin Williams since his passing.  The bottom line for me was that he could make you feel something when he was on screen.  Whether it was happiness, sadness, conflict, or something else.  That is the mark of a true great.  Rest In Peace, Mr. Williams.

Chattrisse-Dolabaille-Isaak-Smith-Aaliyah-Lifetime-castings-618x400The Wrap- You can’t have a movie about Aaliyah without her musical mentors. A network representative told TheWrap that Lifetime’s Aaliyah biopic has cast Chattrisse Dolabaille and Izaak Smith as producer-rappers Missy Elliott and Timbaland, respectively. Dolabaille is a newcomer to Hollywood. She’s a Canadian actress, singer and dancer.

Izaak Smith, on the other hand, was a contender on “So You Think You Can Dance Canada.” He has appeared in “Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief” and “Mirror Mirror” as a dancer. He also played Cal Rice on popular Canadian series, “Tower Prep,” and Danny on digital series “Totally Amp’d.” 

Were Timbaland and Missy the casting directors for this movie?  The girl playing Missy Elliott looks closer to Aaliyah than Misdemeanor.  And Timbaland?  Good try my dude.  But this Izaak guy is a legit dreamboat.  He doesn’t drink quarter water out of gallon jugs.  Timbo and Missy may be geniuses in the rap game, but they aren’t exactly dimes in the looks department.  Just another day in the life of an internet watchdog.


OK, I am not sure if I “fixed” the Timbaland actor, but I got us a little closer to reality.  Missy is still wayyyy off, though.



The Independent-  James Shigeta, the famed character actor who played memorable roles in Die Hard (1988) and musical Flower Drum Song (1961) has died.  “It is with great sadness that I report the loss of my long-time friend and client James Shigeta,” his agent said in a statement to E! News yesterday.

It’s just a shame that this had to happen to Mr. Takagi.  Joseph Yoshinobu Takagi.  Born: Kyoto, 1937.  Family emigrated to San Pedro, California, 1939.  Interned at Manzanar: 1942 to 1943.  Scholarship student: University of California, 1955.  Law degree: Stanford, 1962.  MBA: Harvard, 1970.  President: Nakatomi Trading.  Vice Chairman: Nakatomi Investment Group.  And father of five.

I know this is part of getting older, but I don’t think I am ready to start saying goodbye to the actors of Die Hard.  I had Takagi ranked at number 12 in my Die Hard Character Power Rankings.  Shigeta took a bullet through the head for his craft and still lived for another 26 years.  That’s incredible.

They say these things happen in threes.  So watch your back Al Powell and Ms. Gennaro.  Look both ways before crossing the street, Argyle.  And I don’t even want to think of a world without John McClane or Hans Gruber.

PS- I found this gem while messing around with my Google machine.  This is the only good thing LinkedIn has ever produced.


h/t to Z-Man



“Yo!  Vincent Vega’s in the house!  Our man in Amsterdam!  Jules Winnfield!  Our man in Englewood!  Get your asses on in here!”

Sure Pulp Fiction may be 20 years old and there is about a 10% 1% chance these guys actually got laid out there, but these are the best non-female costumes I have ever seen at Comic-Con.

On that note, enjoy the best quotes from the movie.