Does This Look Like The Face Of A Guy That Dug Up His Father’s Grave Just So He Could Win An Argument With Him?

The Mirror- A man has been arrested amid claims he tried to drunkenly dig up his dead dad’s grave – so he could argue with him. Michael Dale May was found by police in the Pilot Baptist Church cemetery in Stanford, Kentucky, US, on Monday night. Lincoln County Constable Delbert Mitchell said he went to investigate after spotting a truck parked outside the church. The sheriff’s deputy, who knows May, told local news station LEX 18 that he called out to the 44-year-old, who told him that he was trying to dig up his late father. Constable suggested May, who appeared to be “under the influence” was eager to finish an argument with his dad. He said: “He told me he was trying to dig his dad up, so his dad could go to heaven.” May reportedly told authorities that he dad died around 30 years ago.

 

I don’t know how anyone could give this guy shit for digging up his dad to finish an argument.  Because everybody knows that the only thing worse than having a family member die is to think of an awesome way to win an argument against a family member and never have the chance to see their face when you drop it on them.  Argument blue balls are the worrrrrst.  So whatever hate this guy had to get out of his heart should have been let out and kept between him and the dusty remains of his father.

But even if they put Michael Dale May under the jail, they will never be able to get that satisfied look off of his face.  That look says “My dad may have been worm food for the last 30 years, but he now knows I was right about that drunk political argument we had during the Lions game from Thanksgiving of 1983.”  Pure satisfaction.

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Did I Think Of The Greatest Pick Up Move In The History Of The World?

So I was listening to JJ and Trent talk on Yuppie Junk the other day and one of the listeners wrote in saying how she only wanted to bang her co-worker if they were on his boat.  Which reminded me of a few basic facts of life:

1. Girls like guys that have boats.

2. Due to this, guys that have boats are more likely to get laid than guys that don’t have boats.

3. Because of this (as well as the sheer cost to make a boat), boats are expensive.

But what if you didn’t have enough money to buy a boat to impress girls?  Couldn’t you just head over to Amazon and pick up one of the floating keychain thingies like the one above, and put it on your keychain with a fake boat key (like one from a lawnmower or something)?  Of course you would need a flimsy backstory about your awesome boat with it’s witty name.  But that shouldn’t take more than one minute of decent thought.

Of course, this is all part of the courting game.  Girls get dolled up to look more presentable.  Guys lie about how successful they are.  It’s just how the game works.  So what’s one more little lie about owning a boat?  $7 for a keychain that she will think is adorable?  It would be crazy NOT to buy one of these, in my opinion.  Plus, you are lying to yourself if you don’t think that whale is freaking adorable.

So the question is can a $7 floating keychain help break the ice for 1/10000th the price of owning a boat?  Being a married man, I’ve been out of the game way to long to know if this would actually work.  So let’s give it the old democratic smell test.

Vote Yes for “You may be onto something here, Clem”.  Vote No for “Stuff it old man, this is a stupid idea”.  Also, if you try this out, let me know how it goes by tweeting me @TheClemReport.

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Florida Can Basically Be Wiped Off The Map Now That Alligators Are Climbing Fences

Florida alligator climbs fence. pic.twitter.com/BI8NehQQow

— Breaking News Feed (@pzf) August 3, 2015

As Dr. Ian Malcolm said back in 1993, “Life, uh, finds a way”.  And that video is basically the real-life version of raptors learning how to turn door knobs in Jurassic Park. So if you are in Florida, you better ask your parole officer (I imagine every single Florida resident is born with a parole officer) if you can flee the state in self defense.  Because if you don’t, it is only a matter of time until you are gator bait, starting with the redneck that called an alligator that learned how to climb a fence a retard. He was already probably the first casualty of the rise of the alligators.

Also, two quick questions:

1. If Florida just becomes a state that has nothing but alligators and human remains, can we consider that a win for the world?

2. Can JPP just say that he lost his finger due to some fence jumping alligator biting him instead of handling fireworks like a jackhole?

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R.I.P. Cooper Clem. 2012-2015

 

(Play as you read this blog, please)

 

You died on a Monday.  EXACTLY 3 years to the day we won you at the local carnival.  You hung on and fought the good fight to stay alive and avoid being another statistic for carnival goldfish suffering young deaths.  I may have begged my wife to not bring you home with us, but you still found your way into our home and into our hearts.

There were many times during my unemployed days that you were the only one in the house with me.  We may have had a rivalry due to you swimming around the fish tank, making noise, and scaring me.  But there were also many times that you were my only friend in the house and vice versa.  And remember the Roombah automatic vacuum?  We both hated that son of a bitch.  I may have talked to you all the time even though you never answered.  But I know you answered in your own way.  And it was always witty and perfect.

Sure you probably killed the other goldfish that we won at the carnival that fateful night.  But I attribute that to your warrior mentality.  You were always the strong one of the family.  Either the matriarch or the patriarch (we never were sure if you were a boy or a girl).

Did you die because I was weak and stupid (AKA I could not figure out how to fix your filter)?  Maybe.  But I like to think that you died because God had a plan for you.  They say that goldfish grow as big as their surroundings will allow.  Well tell Jesus and 2Pac to make some space.  Because Cooper Clem is about to take up a whole lot of elbow room up in heaven*.  That being said, if you ever come back as a White Walker, I will re-kill your ass.

#RIPCooperClem pic.twitter.com/vwpBLTMzeE

— Clemzingis (@TheClemReport) July 14, 2015

 

*Just kidding.  We all know 2Pac is really still alive.

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15 Second Food Review: Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Creme Cereal

Final Rating: 6.4/10. Cookies and creme is one of my favorite ice cream flavors. And the candy bar is good as hell too. But there is something missing in this cereal. Not a ton of flavor is present and it just feels wrong to eat a candy bar without a lot of flavor. And don’t get me wrong, i LOVE Reese’s Puffs. In fact, I think it’s safe to say Reese’s Puffs are my favorite cereal. But these things don’t hold a candle to Reese’s Puffs. And to be honest, the Cookies ‘n’ Creme box shouldn’t even come close to having a similar looking label to Reese’s Puffs. It’s sacrilegious.  Go to hell, Cookies ‘n’ Creme cereal.  OK, that was kind of strong.  But still, you suck.

To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.

 

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Look At This Goddamn Guy Rocking A Monocle On The Metro North

Commuting on the Metro North, LIRR, or New Jersey Transit is a soul-crushing daily occurrence for many of us.  So shout out to the scruffy, semi-thin living Harold Ramis doppelganger for breaking up the monotony of the work week.  And while I hate to admit how uncultured I truly am, how does a monocle stay on one’s face?  Do you clip it to your eyebrow?  Does the monocle somehow smoothly lodge to that bone above your eye?  Or does it take years and years of practice?  And wearing a monocle with a pleather jacket while scurrying in the rat race with the rest of us Metro North peasants is the definition of bougie.

Anyway, the only time it is okay  to wear a monocle in 2015 is if you are dressing up as the Monopoly Guy from Ace Ventura 2 for halloween.  And even then, you should be trying to think of a more culturally relevant costume.

Still one of the best scenes from what was a pretty disappointing movie for a young Clem.  The rhino birth scene was easily the best, btw.

h/t IslesNationBC for the pic

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Looking To Burn This Monday Away? Play Google Feud!

So someone put together this Family Feud + Google Results mashup.  It’s pretty fun, but basically impossible to get every answer.  Trust me, I am a Family Feud master, but the categories I got were impossible.  Anyway, check it out if you want to help kill a Monday.

http://www.googlefeud.com/

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Prisoner Tries To Frame Cops For Police Brutality By Beating Himself Up Fight Club Style

Washington Times- A 33-year-old California man who claimed he was assaulted by police officers has been found guilty of attempted coercion and initiating a false report after he was caught on video punching himself in the face more than 40 times.

Newly released surveillance footage shows Aleksander Robin Tomaszewski at Lane County Jail in Oregon, where he was being held last month after being charged with first-degree sexual abuse and stalking, Raw Story reported.

Throughout the video, Mr. Tomaszewski paces back and forth in his cell and punches himself in the face repeatedly. He appears to strike himself in the face 45 times in the four-minute clip, the Eugene Register-Guard reported.

He later filed a complaint accusing local detectives of assaulting him during an interview. He had multiple facial injuries, deputies said.

After being told he was caught beating himself on video, Mr. Tomaszewski allegedly confessed to making up the story in hopes of winning early release from jail, deputies said.

He was sentenced to 20 days in jail, 36 months of probation and a $500 fine for the attempted coercion charge, the Register-Guard reported. For initiating a false report, he received a $100 fine and 20 additional days in jail, the newspaper said.

People always say if you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying. Well if you aren’t punching yourself in the face 40+ times to frame the police for brutality, you definitely ain’t trying. Obviously there has been a lot of controversy in the last year with police using force with civilians. But this video is proof that sometime the shoe can be on the other foot.  Because if the cops had said this guy Fight Clubbed his face in without any video proof, very few people would believe them.

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Barstool Sports Meets SNL 40

Sunday’s SNL 40 has been the event of the year so far.  Since I have a weird brain, I decided to compare the Barstool bloggers to some of the faces from Saturday Night Live’s 40 years.

El Presidente= Lorne Michaels.  Men who sold their soul for the chance to run a ruthlessly efficient comedy machine.  Well maybe not ruthlessly efficient.  But definitely a comedy machine.

Feitelberg = Pete Davidson:  In full disclosure, I had a hard time picking out someone for Feits.  I picked Pete Davidson since they are both young guys hand-picked by Pres/Lorne and there is a good chance they will never know what a real job is like.

Hank = Jimmy Fallon:  Someone who was once known for his miscues, but has slowly become an important part for the whole operation.  A survivor.

KFC = Steve Martin:  While Martin was not technically a cast member, he definitely is a long-time contributor that was a big part of the machine’s success.  Also, Tom Hanks attributing Steve Martin’s comedy to “self-loathing and unhappiness” was so KFC, it’s scary.

KMarko = Mike Myers:  A model of consistency.  Always has hits and everyone seems to like him.  Success outside of Barstool/SNL definitely wouldn’t be a problem.

Big Cat = Bill Murray:  A diehard Chicago sports fan with a brain that isn’t like most people’s.  In fact, I guarantee Bill Murray was the guy that outbid BC for the Craigslist ghost.

Smitty = Jason Sudekis:  Both seem to fit the “common man” mold.  The two big differences between the two are Sudekis has a much bigger paycheck and planted his seed in Olivia Wilde.  Speaking of which, lets take a quick break from these ugly mugs with the Olivia Wilde boob jiggle.

 

Nate = David Spade:  Short guys who have a weird draw on hot women.  And try to tell me that David Spade wouldn’t text a chick out of the blue with the word “Babes”.  You can’t.

Trent = Chris Farley:  Where there is David Spade, Chris Farley can’t be far behind.  The Hawkeye Hugger (like Farley) is a midwesterner that is loved by all and will do whatever it takes to try to get a laugh.  Wearing a corn suit in front of Mark Cuban takes serious stones, regardless of how bad the pitch may have flopped.  Plus I sometimes forget that he isn’t a Chris Farley lookalike just because Farley is his Twitter avi (again, my brain is weird).

Clem = Justin Timberlake:  Oh wow, that’s me.  Neither are even close to full-time members, but they are hilarious and memorable every time the show up.  Plus the whole “really, really, ridiculously good looking and awesome at dancing” thing too.

 

If you have any better ideas or other comparisons, tweet them to me @TheClemReport with the hashtag #BarstoolSNL40.

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People Line Up For Blocks To Buy Land In Newark For $1,000. The Only Snag: The Land Is In Newark

CBS- Couples in Newark were offered a sweetheart deal for Valentine’s Day.  Hundreds stood in line at City Hall Saturday for a chance to buy city-owned vacant lots for $1,000.

Andrew Williams, who currently rents in neighboring East Orange, wanted a place to call his own.  “I want a piece of the pie and a place where my family can do a little bit better for ourselves,” he told WCBS 880’s Jim Smith.

Buyers must commit to build houses on the properties within 18 months and live there for five years.  “It’s an opportunity for us to try to bring people back to the neighborhood and give life to the city,” said Keith Hamilton, manager of city-owned properties.

The demand was so strong, Hamilton said the city is planning to do it again later this year.  Couples who purchased lots will be required to make a $500 down payment and pay the additional $500 at closing.

Buyers will also have to submit a City Planning Board approved site plan to close on the property and complete construction within 18 months of closing.

 

Ahhhhh, the American Dream.  The house, the yard, and the white picket fence.  Or in this case; bars on your windows, fear of your neighbors, and the soothing sound of gunshots at any time of day.  You show me a list of people that bought one of these plots of land, and I will show you a list of people who will have an obituary printed within the next five years related to a murder in Newark.  And waiting outside for hours on one of the coldest days of the year to do this is insane.  You are basically freezing your ass off to ensure you will be dead in the next 60 months.  Buying a plot of land near New York City for $1,000 is not “too good to be true”, it’s just “too good to actually be good”.

 

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