Archive for the ‘Random Thoughts’ Category

Michael-May
The Mirror- A man has been arrested amid claims he tried to drunkenly dig up his dead dad’s grave – so he could argue with him. Michael Dale May was found by police in the Pilot Baptist Church cemetery in Stanford, Kentucky, US, on Monday night. Lincoln County Constable Delbert Mitchell said he went to investigate after spotting a truck parked outside the church. The sheriff’s deputy, who knows May, told local news station LEX 18 that he called out to the 44-year-old, who told him that he was trying to dig up his late father. Constable suggested May, who appeared to be “under the influence” was eager to finish an argument with his dad. He said: “He told me he was trying to dig his dad up, so his dad could go to heaven.” May reportedly told authorities that he dad died around 30 years ago.

 

I don’t know how anyone could give this guy shit for digging up his dad to finish an argument.  Because everybody knows that the only thing worse than having a family member die is to think of an awesome way to win an argument against a family member and never have the chance to see their face when you drop it on them.  Argument blue balls are the worrrrrst.  So whatever hate this guy had to get out of his heart should have been let out and kept between him and the dusty remains of his father.

But even if they put Michael Dale May under the jail, they will never be able to get that satisfied look off of his face.  That look says “My dad may have been worm food for the last 30 years, but he now knows I was right about that drunk political argument we had during the Lions game from Thanksgiving of 1983.”  Pure satisfaction.

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So I was listening to JJ and Trent talk on Yuppie Junk the other day and one of the listeners wrote in saying how she only wanted to bang her co-worker if they were on his boat.  Which reminded me of a few basic facts of life:

1. Girls like guys that have boats.

2. Due to this, guys that have boats are more likely to get laid than guys that don’t have boats.

3. Because of this (as well as the sheer cost to make a boat), boats are expensive.

But what if you didn’t have enough money to buy a boat to impress girls?  Couldn’t you just head over to Amazon and pick up one of the floating keychain thingies like the one above, and put it on your keychain with a fake boat key (like one from a lawnmower or something)?  Of course you would need a flimsy backstory about your awesome boat with it’s witty name.  But that shouldn’t take more than one minute of decent thought.

Of course, this is all part of the courting game.  Girls get dolled up to look more presentable.  Guys lie about how successful they are.  It’s just how the game works.  So what’s one more little lie about owning a boat?  $7 for a keychain that she will think is adorable?  It would be crazy NOT to buy one of these, in my opinion.  Plus, you are lying to yourself if you don’t think that whale is freaking adorable.

So the question is can a $7 floating keychain help break the ice for 1/10000th the price of owning a boat?  Being a married man, I’ve been out of the game way to long to know if this would actually work.  So let’s give it the old democratic smell test.

Vote Yes for “You may be onto something here, Clem”.  Vote No for “Stuff it old man, this is a stupid idea”.  Also, if you try this out, let me know how it goes by tweeting me @TheClemReport.

As Dr. Ian Malcolm said back in 1993, “Life, uh, finds a way”.  And that video is basically the real-life version of raptors learning how to turn door knobs in Jurassic Park. So if you are in Florida, you better ask your parole officer (I imagine every single Florida resident is born with a parole officer) if you can flee the state in self defense.  Because if you don’t, it is only a matter of time until you are gator bait, starting with the redneck that called an alligator that learned how to climb a fence a retard. He was already probably the first casualty of the rise of the alligators.

Also, two quick questions:

1. If Florida just becomes a state that has nothing but alligators and human remains, can we consider that a win for the world?

2. Can JPP just say that he lost his finger due to some fence jumping alligator biting him instead of handling fireworks like a jackhole?

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(Play as you read this blog, please)

 

You died on a Monday.  EXACTLY 3 years to the day we won you at the local carnival.  You hung on and fought the good fight to stay alive and avoid being another statistic for carnival goldfish suffering young deaths.  I may have begged my wife to not bring you home with us, but you still found your way into our home and into our hearts.

There were many times during my unemployed days that you were the only one in the house with me.  We may have had a rivalry due to you swimming around the fish tank, making noise, and scaring me.  But there were also many times that you were my only friend in the house and vice versa.  And remember the Roombah automatic vacuum?  We both hated that son of a bitch.  I may have talked to you all the time even though you never answered.  But I know you answered in your own way.  And it was always witty and perfect.

Sure you probably killed the other goldfish that we won at the carnival that fateful night.  But I attribute that to your warrior mentality.  You were always the strong one of the family.  Either the matriarch or the patriarch (we never were sure if you were a boy or a girl).

Did you die because I was weak and stupid (AKA I could not figure out how to fix your filter)?  Maybe.  But I like to think that you died because God had a plan for you.  They say that goldfish grow as big as their surroundings will allow.  Well tell Jesus and 2Pac to make some space.  Because Cooper Clem is about to take up a whole lot of elbow room up in heaven*.  That being said, if you ever come back as a White Walker, I will re-kill your ass.

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*Just kidding.  We all know 2Pac is really still alive.

Final Rating: 6.4/10. Cookies and creme is one of my favorite ice cream flavors. And the candy bar is good as hell too. But there is something missing in this cereal. Not a ton of flavor is present and it just feels wrong to eat a candy bar without a lot of flavor. And don’t get me wrong, i LOVE Reese’s Puffs. In fact, I think it’s safe to say Reese’s Puffs are my favorite cereal. But these things don’t hold a candle to Reese’s Puffs. And to be honest, the Cookies ‘n’ Creme box shouldn’t even come close to having a similar looking label to Reese’s Puffs. It’s sacrilegious.  Go to hell, Cookies ‘n’ Creme cereal.  OK, that was kind of strong.  But still, you suck.

To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.

 

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Commuting on the Metro North, LIRR, or New Jersey Transit is a soul-crushing daily occurrence for many of us.  So shout out to the scruffy, semi-thin living Harold Ramis doppelganger for breaking up the monotony of the work week.  And while I hate to admit how uncultured I truly am, how does a monocle stay on one’s face?  Do you clip it to your eyebrow?  Does the monocle somehow smoothly lodge to that bone above your eye?  Or does it take years and years of practice?  And wearing a monocle with a pleather jacket while scurrying in the rat race with the rest of us Metro North peasants is the definition of bougie.

Anyway, the only time it is okay  to wear a monocle in 2015 is if you are dressing up as the Monopoly Guy from Ace Ventura 2 for halloween.  And even then, you should be trying to think of a more culturally relevant costume.

Still one of the best scenes from what was a pretty disappointing movie for a young Clem.  The rhino birth scene was easily the best, btw.

h/t IslesNationBC for the pic

feud

So someone put together this Family Feud + Google Results mashup.  It’s pretty fun, but basically impossible to get every answer.  Trust me, I am a Family Feud master, but the categories I got were impossible.  Anyway, check it out if you want to help kill a Monday.

http://www.googlefeud.com/