I Can Watch Vlady Guerrero Drop Bombs At The All-Star Celebrity Softball Game All Day

Vlad can still crush. #CelebSoftball pic.twitter.com/EeMQlH1vNM

— MLB GIFS (@MLBGIFs) July 14, 2015

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I didn’t realize how much I missed Vlady Daddy’s swing until I saw the All-Star Celebrity Softball Game last night. The Home Run Derby’s new format worked like a charm and owned the night, but seeing Vlady just hacking like he was back in Montreal was the cherry on top. No batting gloves and a strike zone from his nose to his toes. Just the coolest player in baseball.

I am still upset that the Mets didn’t sign him as a free agent back in 2004. They elected to go the Mike Cameron/Kaz Matsui route, which I think we can all agree was a mistake, even if Vlady was coming off of a back injury and Ray Ramirez had just become head trainer of the team.  But still, just a typically brutal decision by the Mets.

And lets not forget Vlady’s absolute cannon in right field.  Ahhh screw it, lets just stop fighting it and go down the Vlady Guerrero wormhole together.

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(That last video had it all. Pedro and Vlady on the Expos. Carlos Baerga, Edgardo Alfonzo, and Todd Hundley on the Mets. What a blast from the goddamn past).

Three home run game be damned, if I was Sandy Alderson I would cut Kirk Nieuwenhuis and sign Vlady Guerrero tomorrow.  Better bat, better arm, and a slight disadvantage in running  (JK, Vlady always ran like one leg was 18 inches shorter than the other).

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A Quick Story About The Time My Buddies Posed As Christian Guzman During the 2008 NYC MLB All-Star Parade

The video basically says it all. What it doesn’t mention is how they snuck into Michael Jordan’s All-Star party with Ian Kinsler’s buddies and hung out in VIP with MJ, Derek Jeter, and all the other All-Stars (Kinsler, Chase Utley, etc.). If I had tried to pull a move like this, no doubt my ass would have been thrown in a patty wagon. Matt (the younger brother) saw MJ leave the bathroom and froze. So he did what any normal person would do. Gave Michael Jordan the biggest hug possible. They also chatted up Jeter throughout the night, fulfilling every Yankees fan’s wildest (non-sexual) dreams. They basically hung out in VIP until the end of the party. Both have been married and have had children. But I think if you gave them truth serum, both would say that night was the best night of their lives. F my life as a Mets fan.

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Who Tweeted It Better? Me vs. Odell Beckham Jr.

 

 

As I watch Odell Beckham get hundreds/thousands of favs and retweets every time he tweets ANYTHING, it makes me happy and sad.  Happy that my favorite NFL player has developed a huge following on social media.  And sad because I will never have that type of love from the social media masses despite basically living my entire life on Twitter these days.  So I did a little experiment.  I waited until ODB tweeted something out and then copied/pasted his tweet as my own.  The results are above.  Almost 1400 retweets and 1400 favs for Beckham against my 1 retweet and 5 favs.  Odell just took me to Pound Town.

But in the words of everybody’s favorite mascot head wearer (Lee Corso), “NOT SO FAST MY FRIEND!”.  As of the writing of this blog, Odell Beckham has 404,000 followers (Twitter lists it as 404K to estimate because that is A LOT OF GOD DAMN PEOPLE.  I am jealous of everyone that has a K in their follower count).  I have 3,060 followers (and I love literally each and every one of them.  Especially the bots and Twitter Instagram hoes that just look for follow backs).  So by my math:

1 in every 290 of ODB’s followers retweeted his tweet, while 1 in every 295 of his followers favorited his tweet.

1 in every 3,060 of my followers retweeted my tweet, while 1 in every 612 of my followers favorited my tweet.

Looks like I lost again….

…

But wait!!!

 

Odell Beckham tweeted out his tweet 39 seconds before I did.  So I still have time to make up the difference.

 

Who Tweeted It Better Verdict: Too close to call

 

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All The Sonya Curry Pictures You Need To See Tonight

Sit back and bathe in the beauty.

 

The Knicks Get The “Hitler Subtitle Meme” Treatment After Last Week’s Lottery Disaster

Sure, the Hitler meme has been done to death, but I think “Hitler in his bunker as the allied forces close in” is probably the best way to describe the way it felt to be a Knicks fan last Tuesday night. Just hopeless, trying to talk yourself into everything being alright.  Hope Melo stays healthy, the Knicks hit big in free agency, and the pick doesn’t become a complete disaster.  But us Knicks fans have to believe in something.   An entire year of tanking for this bullshit. So sad. So Knicks.

Also, the Cavs bowtie kid line killed me.  Because that son of a bitch has magical powers.  The least LeBron could have done after leaving the entire state of New York with blue balls following the Decision would have been to lend that bowtied rabbit’s foot to the Knicks for the lottery. Instead, nothing but Hitler memes for this sad ass franchise.

h/t Knicksmemes for creating this gem

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The $20 Challenge Is Back, This Time With College Hoops Players From The Last Five Years

My Twitter pal Bobby came up with another one of these $20 challenges over at Fan Rag Sports.  Basically you choose one player from each position and a coach, but it has to be under $20.  Check out Bobby’s breakdown on Fan Rag Sports when you have a chance.  Anyway, here are my picks.  Granted I’m not a diehard college hoops fan, but I know as much as a decent fan should know, as Syracuse can still rip my heart out every 12 months or so.  And before you ask “wait, where is this guy?”, these are only players from the last 5 seasons.  And if there was a glaring omission, yell at Bobby on Twitter at UKLefty22.  Anyway, here is my squad:

PG Kemba Walker $3

Lets see, a guy that basically dragged his team through the Big East Tournament when it still mattered and then to an NCAA championship?  Biggest no-brainer ever.  Kemba was the mother f’ing TRUTH.

SG Jimmer Fredette $5

If you didn’t fall in love with Jimmermania back in the day, you are an asshole and cannot be trusted in this exercise.  Kemba breaks down the defense for my squad.  And if the defense wants to help, Jimmer will bomb treys from 30 feet out.  I am convinced that Vine was created because of Jimmer, and Steph Curry made it huge/perfected it.

SF Michael Kidd-Gilchrist $4

Now if I have Jimmer on my team, I admit that I need somebody to play defense.  MKG is the Swiss army knife defender that can match up with a bunch of different positions.  Plus he doesn’t need to score.  And if that’s not enough…

PF Kawhi Leonard $1

I have Kawhi at the power forward spot.  Sure he is 6’7″, but in college hoops that can pass for a power forward.  Obviously he isn’t as polished as he is now in San Antonio, but the dude was a stud coming out of college.

C Anthony Davis $5

And then we have The Brow in the middle.  Erasing any mistakes made on defense while also being a nightmare matchup on the offensive end.

Coach Tom Izzo $2

Izzo makes the Final Four every other year with a team usually filled with rag tag players.  With this collection, he can probably top UCLA’s 88-game winning streak no problem.  The more I look at this list, the more I become convinced that this is the only acceptable lineup.

Agree?  Disagree?  Have a roster you want to share? Hit me up on Twitter @TheClemReport.

 

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ESPN Just Killing It With Their Cleveland Browns Draft Preview

I watched that video three times trying to figure out what the hell Jeremy Fowler meant by the Browns having rubber duckies at quarterback, and it still doesn’t make sense.  But regardless, Fowler seemed proud as a peacock about that analogy.  However, a tip from Twitter telling me that maybe Fowler was referring to the Urban Dictionary definition of a rubber ducky.

As it turns out, the Browns HAVE had rubber duckies at quarterback for years.  Great job by Jeremy Fowler and the Worldwide Leader for finally getting weird like the rest of us.

 

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The Weirdest Day Of The Year: When The NFL Schedule Slowly Leaks Out On My Twitter Feed

 

Pssst, The Patriots will host the Steelers in the Thursday Night season opener.  The Giants and Cowboys will play the first Sunday Night Football game of the season.  The Seahawks will go to Green Bay Week 2.  Miss Lippy’s car is green.

Just random nonsense flood my Twitter timeline as is, but these NFL schedule leaks are the worst.  Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely eat every one of them up because I am an NFL fiend.  But it just seems RIDICULOUS that this is how everyone finds out the schedule before the “announcement” tonight at 8.  I have to print out every Giants schedule tweet and glue it to a piece of poster board just so I can see what the finished product looks like before the official announcement.  JK, that would be creepy.

<Slowly hides poster board and glue stick>

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In Honor Of Opening Day At Citi Field, Here Are My Power Rankings For This Season’s Giveaways For All Mets Games

In honor of the Mets’ home opener, I am going to re-run this blog that I wrote in November.  As I did in 2014, I broke down the best promotions of the schedule.  This may be the first Mets season in a long time where the product on the field is better than the products given out for free off the field.  On to the rankings:

39.

If you wear a fedora, you are an asshole.  If you wear a fedora that was given away at a Mets game, you should probably kill yourself*

*This does not hold true for Bruno Mars, who is the only person in the world that can successfully pull off a fedora.

A Reminder About The Worst Part Of Opening Day: The “On Pace” Stats You Have To Hear From Morons

So after 1st day, NYM, ATL, CIN, STL, COL, LAD, SF, BAL, BOS, TOR, DET, KC, HOU, OAK, SEA are all on pace for 162 wins.

— The Sports JAMB (@thesportsjamb) April 7, 2015

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Hanley is on pace for 810 RBI and 324 HR — A$AP Pirk (@The_real_lane_p) April 7, 2015

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Well brett gardner is on pace for 162 home runs this year! And Masters starts Thursday.. Just too much going on

— Michael Tears (@nattykiller21) April 7, 2015

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Opening Day projections: Travis and Encarnacion on pace for 162 home runs. Jays on pace for 162 win season. #bookit — Jon Muma (@jonmuma) April 7, 2015

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Don’t worry angel fans. Trouts on pace for only 486 strike outs.

— Spis (@SPIS36) April 7, 2015

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@pizzacutter4 zobrist on pace for a 5.000 ops and 1300 RBI #SmallSampleSize — Andrew Patrick (@Zebedee18) April 7, 2015

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Opening Day. A day of eternal hope. Warm weather and girls in sun dresses are right around the corner. To quote the great Lego Movie, “Everything is awesome”.

And then it happens. The first batch of “on pace” tweets comes in. And then a few minutes later, a couple of coworkers hit you with their own “on pace” jokes. And then finally, your local announcer, the man that will take this 162 game journey with you hand-in-hand, throws his own “on pace” joke out there. And at least he is ensured that the color commentator will laugh at his “joke”. But all this tomfoolery is just another example of why people cannot have nice things like Opening Day.

So if you hear a friend, family member, coworker, or even total stranger using one of these “on pace” stats after one game, please tell him/her that it is not cool or funny. And that no one likes them. And they will die alone and nobody will go to their funeral if they continue to make jokes like this. Together we can save the world from these tyrants.

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