I Can Watch Vlady Guerrero Drop Bombs At The All-Star Celebrity Softball Game All Day

Vlad can still crush. #CelebSoftball pic.twitter.com/EeMQlH1vNM

— MLB GIFS (@MLBGIFs) July 14, 2015

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I didn’t realize how much I missed Vlady Daddy’s swing until I saw the All-Star Celebrity Softball Game last night. The Home Run Derby’s new format worked like a charm and owned the night, but seeing Vlady just hacking like he was back in Montreal was the cherry on top. No batting gloves and a strike zone from his nose to his toes. Just the coolest player in baseball.

I am still upset that the Mets didn’t sign him as a free agent back in 2004. They elected to go the Mike Cameron/Kaz Matsui route, which I think we can all agree was a mistake, even if Vlady was coming off of a back injury and Ray Ramirez had just become head trainer of the team.  But still, just a typically brutal decision by the Mets.

And lets not forget Vlady’s absolute cannon in right field.  Ahhh screw it, lets just stop fighting it and go down the Vlady Guerrero wormhole together.

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(That last video had it all. Pedro and Vlady on the Expos. Carlos Baerga, Edgardo Alfonzo, and Todd Hundley on the Mets. What a blast from the goddamn past).

Three home run game be damned, if I was Sandy Alderson I would cut Kirk Nieuwenhuis and sign Vlady Guerrero tomorrow.  Better bat, better arm, and a slight disadvantage in running  (JK, Vlady always ran like one leg was 18 inches shorter than the other).

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A Quick Story About The Time My Buddies Posed As Christian Guzman During the 2008 NYC MLB All-Star Parade

The video basically says it all. What it doesn’t mention is how they snuck into Michael Jordan’s All-Star party with Ian Kinsler’s buddies and hung out in VIP with MJ, Derek Jeter, and all the other All-Stars (Kinsler, Chase Utley, etc.). If I had tried to pull a move like this, no doubt my ass would have been thrown in a patty wagon. Matt (the younger brother) saw MJ leave the bathroom and froze. So he did what any normal person would do. Gave Michael Jordan the biggest hug possible. They also chatted up Jeter throughout the night, fulfilling every Yankees fan’s wildest (non-sexual) dreams. They basically hung out in VIP until the end of the party. Both have been married and have had children. But I think if you gave them truth serum, both would say that night was the best night of their lives. F my life as a Mets fan.

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In Honor Of Opening Day At Citi Field, Here Are My Power Rankings For This Season’s Giveaways For All Mets Games

In honor of the Mets’ home opener, I am going to re-run this blog that I wrote in November.  As I did in 2014, I broke down the best promotions of the schedule.  This may be the first Mets season in a long time where the product on the field is better than the products given out for free off the field.  On to the rankings:

39.

If you wear a fedora, you are an asshole.  If you wear a fedora that was given away at a Mets game, you should probably kill yourself*

*This does not hold true for Bruno Mars, who is the only person in the world that can successfully pull off a fedora.

A Reminder About The Worst Part Of Opening Day: The “On Pace” Stats You Have To Hear From Morons

So after 1st day, NYM, ATL, CIN, STL, COL, LAD, SF, BAL, BOS, TOR, DET, KC, HOU, OAK, SEA are all on pace for 162 wins.

— The Sports JAMB (@thesportsjamb) April 7, 2015

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Hanley is on pace for 810 RBI and 324 HR — A$AP Pirk (@The_real_lane_p) April 7, 2015

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Well brett gardner is on pace for 162 home runs this year! And Masters starts Thursday.. Just too much going on

— Michael Tears (@nattykiller21) April 7, 2015

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Opening Day projections: Travis and Encarnacion on pace for 162 home runs. Jays on pace for 162 win season. #bookit — Jon Muma (@jonmuma) April 7, 2015

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Don’t worry angel fans. Trouts on pace for only 486 strike outs.

— Spis (@SPIS36) April 7, 2015

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@pizzacutter4 zobrist on pace for a 5.000 ops and 1300 RBI #SmallSampleSize — Andrew Patrick (@Zebedee18) April 7, 2015

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Opening Day. A day of eternal hope. Warm weather and girls in sun dresses are right around the corner. To quote the great Lego Movie, “Everything is awesome”.

And then it happens. The first batch of “on pace” tweets comes in. And then a few minutes later, a couple of coworkers hit you with their own “on pace” jokes. And then finally, your local announcer, the man that will take this 162 game journey with you hand-in-hand, throws his own “on pace” joke out there. And at least he is ensured that the color commentator will laugh at his “joke”. But all this tomfoolery is just another example of why people cannot have nice things like Opening Day.

So if you hear a friend, family member, coworker, or even total stranger using one of these “on pace” stats after one game, please tell him/her that it is not cool or funny. And that no one likes them. And they will die alone and nobody will go to their funeral if they continue to make jokes like this. Together we can save the world from these tyrants.

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Celebrate Opening Day By Listening To Me On “Put It In The Podcast” For Some Mets Season Predictions

After appearing on the podcast a few weeks ago, I rejoined the Put It In The Podcast show to talk about Mets seasons predictions and discuss the recent moves (Lagares contract and actually acquiring living, breathing left-handed pitchers for the bullpen) in this episode. Oh yeah, and things get kind of weird.

Listen to the episode below and check out all episodes of the podcast on iTunes by clicking here. Happy Opening Day to all*!  (*Mets fans only)

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The Podcast All Mets Fans Have Been Waiting For

The people that brought you Podcast Award nominees (and hopefully winners. Go on and vote, people!) KFC Radio and Mailtime have done it again.  Us Mets fans finally have a podcast that is for the common fan, by the common fan.  It is called Put It In The Podcast and is hosted by Jesse Funk and Greg Niemczyk.  Jesse and Greg will be putting podcasts up weekly, and also record whenever a big game/trade/something randomly heartbreaking that can only happen to the Mets occurs.

I joined them for this week’s episode.  We talked about the hot Mets topics of the week, including the Dillon Gee trade rumors, Zack Wheeler’s struggles, the insanity of 2 Billy Beanes in baseball, Daniel Murphy’s gay-fearing comments, Wilmer Flores vs. Matt Reynolds, getting slapped on the ass by Edgardo Alfonzo, and Lucas Duda’s dongs (it’s not how it sounds).  Listen to the episode below and check out all episodes of the podcast on iTunes by clicking here.

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Vince Wilfork Just Faced A-Rod By Tweeting Out News Of His Release From The Patriots Using Some Weird Microsoft Word Picture

Morning guys … Please read below this will be my only statement pic.twitter.com/gClv03hqet

— Vince Wilfork (@wilfork75) March 5, 2015

A-Rod truly cannot catch a break. He is like Richie Rich in the beginning of Richie Rich. He is always somehow one step behind what is trending or cool, despite having all the money in the world (except for the McDonald’s in his house. That was AWESOME).

One day, the A-Rod handwritten apology note is the topic around countless watercoolers. The next day, Big Vince Wilfork goes and changes the entire game with using some clip art and Microsoft Word concoction from hell. In fact, I don’t even know what to think of that picture. Just text bleeding onto different pages on the virtual clipboard.

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Pray For The National League Now That Matt Harvey Rediscovered His Curveball

NY Post- Matt Harvey unleashed 25 pitches in batting practice on Monday, displaying a curveball he had abandoned in recent years, and focus immediately turned to the Mets’ exhibition home opener on Friday.

The Mets ace is scheduled to take the mound for 35-40 pitches over two innings against the Tigers in what will mark Harvey’s return to competitive action, just over 16 months removed from Tommy John surgery.

 

Oh…my…lanta.  So Matt Harvey was the best pitcher in baseball in 2013 despite barely using his curveball?  That is insane.  I honestly don’t even know what to expect from Harvey this season.  Super-competitive, super-talented, and getting better?  Yikes.  That would be like giving John McClane a bazooka instead of a handgun in Die Hard.

Luckily I have special metrics and a state-of-the-art statistics machine to help me translate what Harvey’s stats will be this season armed with good health and a nasty curveball.

Here are Harvey’s 2013 “Awesome but with an arm injury and not much of a curveball” stats.

 

I will now place them into the machine……

 

 

 

BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP (That’s the sound the machine makes as it’s working)

 

 

 

 

 

Ladies and gentlemen, here are your 2015 Matt Harvey numbers.

 

 

I am kind of surprised at the numbers.  For one, I was thinking that he would have a few saves or holds this season.  He is the Dark Knight and I am sure the Mets will need some saving during the season.  Secondly, K/9 should not be infinity.  It should be 27.00.  But I guess Healthy Matt Harvey With A Curveball broke my revolutionary machine.  Time to go back to the drawing board with Doc Brown.  #jiggawatts

 

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The Trailer For The Matt Harvey “Dark Knight Rises” E:60 Just Got Me HYPED For Baseball Season

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Wow wow wow wow wow. The music, the intense Harvey stare, the promise of weather above 10 degrees. This video has it all. I am laying next to a pile of “happy tissues” at my house after watching that. And the best part about all of it is that Harvey Day will be back in our lives once every five days. Glorious. Simply glorious.    

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P.S. Derek Jeter comes off as such a villain in this trailer. The good-looking, well dressed rich guy with the life that is too good to be true. Similar to Harvey Dent, except Maggie Gylenhaal looks closer to me than she does Hannah Davis.

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Hmmmm, Do You Think Kevin Elster Used Steroids In 1996?

I saw this on /r/NewYorkMets last night and just had to write something about it.  I hear people say that his advanced stats and BABIP were at an all-time high, which signifies some luck.  Plus he played in Texas, which is a bandbox.  But I’m sorry.  If you played with those Rangers teams in the mid-90’s, you were juicing.  It’s literally that black and white.  Instead of cup tests they probably wouldn’t let you leave the locker room unless you had a fresh needle mark in your ass. And I’m not here to judge. Anyone who wouldn’t take something to make them millions of dollars is stupid if you ask me. But lets call a spade a spade.

And while we are talking about the Rangers, look at Juan Gonzalez’s numbers in Texas.  They literally make me laugh out loud as I look at them.  Again, I realize the Rangers played in a hitter’s ballpark.  But said ballpark was still on Earth and adhered to the laws of gravity like every other ballpark.

Also, Juan Gone was one of the best lazy nicknames of all-time, in that it just took the first parts of his name like A-Rod.  Dammit, Juan Gone was the man.

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