So last week I put Ignition Remix up against I’m Real Remix and I heard a lot of chirping that Ignition Remix could not be beat in a Best Song contest. It’s the GOAT.  The R cannot possibly be touched. Yada, yada, yada. So lets see if Ignition Remix can take down some more heavy hitters.  First up is Yeah!, which dominated the music scene along with Ignition Remix back in 2004.  So here we go.  Ignition Remix vs. Yeah!  Which is the better song?

Ignition Remix

Vs.

Yeah!

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Dr. Dre’s The Chronic was the first CD I ever bought and it is what turned me into the hip hop fan that I am today.  Dre was my favorite artist when I started listening to hip hop, before future favorites 2Pac, Biggie, and Jay-Z.  G Funk and Death Row were my world (well as much they can be for some white suburban kid in New York).  I never went all the way and bought a White Sox hat, mostly because I was scared of how stupid I would look when I wore it.

As for 2001, that is in my Top 5 for favorite albums ever.  Maybe it’s because it came out when I was at an age where I was starting to party more and it was chock full with party songs.  Maybe it’s because it merged the old Dre crew (Snoop, Kurupt, etc.) with the new Dre crew (Eminem, Xzibit).  Or maybe, just maybe it’s because it’s an INCREDIBLE album.  Just two instant classics by the most successful man in hip hop history (N.W.A., Death Row, Snoop, Eminem, 5o Cent, The Game, Beats By Dre, etc. etc. etc.). And this tweet was crazy and made me feel extremely old.

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Which brings us to Compton.  If you didn’t buy it, you can listen to it streaming on Apple Music here.  I was obvisouly stoked for this album to come out.  I waited for years to hear Detox.  Anytime I caught wind of a rumor about Detox, it would send me down a rabbit hole going through random hip hop sites which ended up saying something like “Xzibit said Dre is ready to drop Detox shortly.”  Which was obviously all bullshit.  Once Compton was announced out of the blue, I was thrilled and I immediately pre-ordered the album on iTunes.  But I was also a little nervous that it was coming out to help promote the N.W.A.-inspired movie Straight Outta Compton while also being tied to the newly-launched Apple Music.  But I figured Dr. Dre is a perfectionist and he would come through like he always does.

But I was wrong.  Now in my eyes, it’s not really Dre’s fault.  His albums have always been about the beats and then finding the perfect artists to rap over them.  And as always, Dre delivers with some incredible music.  Do I think there is a beat that compares to Nuthin But A ‘G’ Thang or The Next Episode?  No.  But you can still nod your head to many of the songs on the album.  The real problem lies in the voices dropping the lyrics.  Kendrick Lamar is good, even though I’ve never considered myself a Kendrick Lamar fan.  I enjoyed listening to former Dre apprentices Snoop and Eminem.  And even though he isn’t known for his rapping per se, Dre does a good job.  The best way I could put it is that hearing Dre and Kendrick on a track gave me the feeling in my stomach I would get if I picked up a star in Mario Kart.  But when other rappers came on the track, I got the feeling in my stomach that I would get after picking up a green shell or a banana.  Just disappointment while hoping things would get better soon.  When Dre did this with unknown rappers on his first two albums, it worked fine.  But a lot of those rappers would become stars, like Snoop, Kurupt, Nate Dogg (R.I.P.), Xzibit, and so on.

Now I am sure I will hear the people say that this album is about more than being good music you want to listen to, just like they say with all the new Kanye albums.  It’s about the “art” of it all.  But that’s BS.  I can listen to The Chronic and 2001 from front to back and be blown away the entire time without skipping one track.  That is simply not the case with Compton.  And it has nothing to do with me building it up too much, because 2001 was built up in my mind higher than the Empire State Building and it STILL exceed my expectations.

 

So this is how I would compare Dr. Dre’s run to real life:

The Chronic = 1st Bulls threepeat

Been There, Done That = Return wearing the 4-5

2001 = 2nd Bulls threepeat

Compton = The Wizard years

And before I get called out for being too critical for calling the album the MJ Wizard years, don’t forget that those seasons had some highlights. Like the two-handed block of Ron Mercer.

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Anyway, after I listened to the stream, this happened:

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Yup, I cancelled my preorder. I knew I would never want to listen to the album again.  If I want to hear a song, I can find it on YouTube. So yeah, thumbs down on Compton.  And it breaks my goddamn heart.

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So I was listening to JJ and Trent talk on Yuppie Junk the other day and one of the listeners wrote in saying how she only wanted to bang her co-worker if they were on his boat.  Which reminded me of a few basic facts of life:

1. Girls like guys that have boats.

2. Due to this, guys that have boats are more likely to get laid than guys that don’t have boats.

3. Because of this (as well as the sheer cost to make a boat), boats are expensive.

But what if you didn’t have enough money to buy a boat to impress girls?  Couldn’t you just head over to Amazon and pick up one of the floating keychain thingies like the one above, and put it on your keychain with a fake boat key (like one from a lawnmower or something)?  Of course you would need a flimsy backstory about your awesome boat with it’s witty name.  But that shouldn’t take more than one minute of decent thought.

Of course, this is all part of the courting game.  Girls get dolled up to look more presentable.  Guys lie about how successful they are.  It’s just how the game works.  So what’s one more little lie about owning a boat?  $7 for a keychain that she will think is adorable?  It would be crazy NOT to buy one of these, in my opinion.  Plus, you are lying to yourself if you don’t think that whale is freaking adorable.

So the question is can a $7 floating keychain help break the ice for 1/10000th the price of owning a boat?  Being a married man, I’ve been out of the game way to long to know if this would actually work.  So let’s give it the old democratic smell test.

Vote Yes for “You may be onto something here, Clem”.  Vote No for “Stuff it old man, this is a stupid idea”.  Also, if you try this out, let me know how it goes by tweeting me @TheClemReport.

As Dr. Ian Malcolm said back in 1993, “Life, uh, finds a way”.  And that video is basically the real-life version of raptors learning how to turn door knobs in Jurassic Park. So if you are in Florida, you better ask your parole officer (I imagine every single Florida resident is born with a parole officer) if you can flee the state in self defense.  Because if you don’t, it is only a matter of time until you are gator bait, starting with the redneck that called an alligator that learned how to climb a fence a retard. He was already probably the first casualty of the rise of the alligators.

Also, two quick questions:

1. If Florida just becomes a state that has nothing but alligators and human remains, can we consider that a win for the world?

2. Can JPP just say that he lost his finger due to some fence jumping alligator biting him instead of handling fireworks like a jackhole?

Ever wondered what a guy that just worked a 10-hour shift as he watched his team completely bumble a trade sounds like? Boy do I have a podcast for you!

But seriously, I was going to bring the podcast back in a few days anyway and then this all happened after I had brought the microphone downstairs. So if you want to hear what I think of the trade that never was, check it out. The podcast will be about anything/everything you want. Sports, pop culture, music, random nonsense, etc. Tweet ideas to me at @TheClemReport on Twitter or email them to me at TheClemReport@gmail.com. And thanks for listening!

The battle of the remixes that reigned supreme in the 2000s. Ja Rule and JLo vs. The R. I would like to say that this only involves the song, but JLo’s pink shorts and the party scenes from the Ignition video will always come to mind when discussing the songs, so I have included them here. I’ve flip flopped 5 times just writing this blog. So it’s up to you to settle this once and for all. Which song is better?

I’m Real Remix

Vs.

Ignition Remix

 

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Killa Cam had a hell of a run in the early-2000s to the point where that picture above didn’t seem COMPLETELY ridiculous.  Anyway, these are still two bangers that will get any good party going.  So who ya got?

 

Hey Ma:

 

VS.

 

Oh Boy