Florida Can Basically Be Wiped Off The Map Now That Alligators Are Climbing Fences

Florida alligator climbs fence. pic.twitter.com/BI8NehQQow

— Breaking News Feed (@pzf) August 3, 2015

As Dr. Ian Malcolm said back in 1993, “Life, uh, finds a way”.  And that video is basically the real-life version of raptors learning how to turn door knobs in Jurassic Park. So if you are in Florida, you better ask your parole officer (I imagine every single Florida resident is born with a parole officer) if you can flee the state in self defense.  Because if you don’t, it is only a matter of time until you are gator bait, starting with the redneck that called an alligator that learned how to climb a fence a retard. He was already probably the first casualty of the rise of the alligators.

Also, two quick questions:

1. If Florida just becomes a state that has nothing but alligators and human remains, can we consider that a win for the world?

2. Can JPP just say that he lost his finger due to some fence jumping alligator biting him instead of handling fireworks like a jackhole?

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New Podcast: Rambling About The Carlos Gomez “Trade”

Ever wondered what a guy that just worked a 10-hour shift as he watched his team completely bumble a trade sounds like? Boy do I have a podcast for you!

But seriously, I was going to bring the podcast back in a few days anyway and then this all happened after I had brought the microphone downstairs. So if you want to hear what I think of the trade that never was, check it out. The podcast will be about anything/everything you want. Sports, pop culture, music, random nonsense, etc. Tweet ideas to me at @TheClemReport on Twitter or email them to me at TheClemReport@gmail.com. And thanks for listening!

Impossible Music Question: I’m Real (Remix) vs. Ignition (Remix)

The battle of the remixes that reigned supreme in the 2000s. Ja Rule and JLo vs. The R. I would like to say that this only involves the song, but JLo’s pink shorts and the party scenes from the Ignition video will always come to mind when discussing the songs, so I have included them here. I’ve flip flopped 5 times just writing this blog. So it’s up to you to settle this once and for all. Which song is better?

I’m Real Remix

Vs.

Ignition Remix

 

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Impossible Music Question. Cam’ron Edition: Hey Ma vs. Oh Boy

Killa Cam had a hell of a run in the early-2000s to the point where that picture above didn’t seem COMPLETELY ridiculous.  Anyway, these are still two bangers that will get any good party going.  So who ya got?

 

Hey Ma:

 

VS.

 

Oh Boy

 

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Impossible Music Question: Down Bottom vs. Jigga My N****

 

If you listen to hip hop, there is a 90% chance that album cover above just gave you some feelings in your stomach.  Ryde of Die Vol. 1 is one of the best hip hop collaboration albums ever, with two HEAVY HITTERS appearing on tracks 2 and 3.  I honestly don’t know which song is better.  So it is up to you, Clem Report reader, to listen and vote.

 

Down Bottom:

 

VS.

 

Jigga My N****

 

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I Can Watch Vlady Guerrero Drop Bombs At The All-Star Celebrity Softball Game All Day

Vlad can still crush. #CelebSoftball pic.twitter.com/EeMQlH1vNM

— MLB GIFS (@MLBGIFs) July 14, 2015

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I didn’t realize how much I missed Vlady Daddy’s swing until I saw the All-Star Celebrity Softball Game last night. The Home Run Derby’s new format worked like a charm and owned the night, but seeing Vlady just hacking like he was back in Montreal was the cherry on top. No batting gloves and a strike zone from his nose to his toes. Just the coolest player in baseball.

I am still upset that the Mets didn’t sign him as a free agent back in 2004. They elected to go the Mike Cameron/Kaz Matsui route, which I think we can all agree was a mistake, even if Vlady was coming off of a back injury and Ray Ramirez had just become head trainer of the team.  But still, just a typically brutal decision by the Mets.

And lets not forget Vlady’s absolute cannon in right field.  Ahhh screw it, lets just stop fighting it and go down the Vlady Guerrero wormhole together.

https://vine.co/v/evYLQKWK0v6/embed/simplehttps://platform.vine.co/static/scripts/embed.js

(That last video had it all. Pedro and Vlady on the Expos. Carlos Baerga, Edgardo Alfonzo, and Todd Hundley on the Mets. What a blast from the goddamn past).

Three home run game be damned, if I was Sandy Alderson I would cut Kirk Nieuwenhuis and sign Vlady Guerrero tomorrow.  Better bat, better arm, and a slight disadvantage in running  (JK, Vlady always ran like one leg was 18 inches shorter than the other).

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A Quick Story About The Time My Buddies Posed As Christian Guzman During the 2008 NYC MLB All-Star Parade

The video basically says it all. What it doesn’t mention is how they snuck into Michael Jordan’s All-Star party with Ian Kinsler’s buddies and hung out in VIP with MJ, Derek Jeter, and all the other All-Stars (Kinsler, Chase Utley, etc.). If I had tried to pull a move like this, no doubt my ass would have been thrown in a patty wagon. Matt (the younger brother) saw MJ leave the bathroom and froze. So he did what any normal person would do. Gave Michael Jordan the biggest hug possible. They also chatted up Jeter throughout the night, fulfilling every Yankees fan’s wildest (non-sexual) dreams. They basically hung out in VIP until the end of the party. Both have been married and have had children. But I think if you gave them truth serum, both would say that night was the best night of their lives. F my life as a Mets fan.

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R.I.P. Cooper Clem. 2012-2015

 

(Play as you read this blog, please)

 

You died on a Monday.  EXACTLY 3 years to the day we won you at the local carnival.  You hung on and fought the good fight to stay alive and avoid being another statistic for carnival goldfish suffering young deaths.  I may have begged my wife to not bring you home with us, but you still found your way into our home and into our hearts.

There were many times during my unemployed days that you were the only one in the house with me.  We may have had a rivalry due to you swimming around the fish tank, making noise, and scaring me.  But there were also many times that you were my only friend in the house and vice versa.  And remember the Roombah automatic vacuum?  We both hated that son of a bitch.  I may have talked to you all the time even though you never answered.  But I know you answered in your own way.  And it was always witty and perfect.

Sure you probably killed the other goldfish that we won at the carnival that fateful night.  But I attribute that to your warrior mentality.  You were always the strong one of the family.  Either the matriarch or the patriarch (we never were sure if you were a boy or a girl).

Did you die because I was weak and stupid (AKA I could not figure out how to fix your filter)?  Maybe.  But I like to think that you died because God had a plan for you.  They say that goldfish grow as big as their surroundings will allow.  Well tell Jesus and 2Pac to make some space.  Because Cooper Clem is about to take up a whole lot of elbow room up in heaven*.  That being said, if you ever come back as a White Walker, I will re-kill your ass.

#RIPCooperClem pic.twitter.com/vwpBLTMzeE

— Clemzingis (@TheClemReport) July 14, 2015

 

*Just kidding.  We all know 2Pac is really still alive.

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15 Second Food Review: Strawberry Starburst Juicy Fruit Gum

 

Final Rating: 4.1/10. Alright listen slingers of all things candy related. If you are going to make a treat with the Strawberry Starburst flavor, you better bring the heat. I said this back during the disaster that was the Taco Bell Strawberry Starburst Freeze.  Strawberry Starburst is a first ballot Hall of Fame flavor.  Stop sullying it’s bad name just to make a buck.  Either do it right or don’t do it at all.  You are breaking my goddamn junk food loving heart, people.

To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.

 

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15 Second Food Review: Carvel Reese’s Peanut Butter Ice Cream

Final Rating: 10/10. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my favorite candy. Reese’s peanut butter is a sacred candy flavor. Anything less than perfection would have been simply unacceptable for me. But you know what? Carvel NAIIIIIIILED it. The ice cream tasted exactly like Reese’s peanut butter. God Bless you Carvel for making this old junk food reviewer’s heart soar and reminding him why he’s in the food review game.

To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.

 

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