Posts Tagged ‘Christmas’

If you don’t think that the “Let It Shine, Shine, Shiiiiiiiine” song in the Glade commercial was the Best New Holiday Song of 2014, you are insane.  And if you don’t think my rendition of it at least gets me a Mark Ronson song, if not an actual record deal, you are batshit crazy. Pipes like you read about.



My heart goes out to all you suckers that are driving long distances to see your families.  So Santa Clem has decided to drop some knowledge on you poor souls with an easy, fun game that will help that long drive seem only moderately soul-crushing.

1. Decide on a draft order.  Going in the order of whose birthday is next is probably the easiest.

2. The draft is a snake draft.  So if you have the 1st pick of the 1st round, you have the last pick of the 2nd round, the 1st pick of the 3rd round, etc.  If you don’t know what a snake draft is, you should probably stop reading and/or breathing.

3. The draft is 5 rounds long.  So that means everyone ends up with 5 songs.  There is no artist associated with the songs, only the songs matter.  So if you draft “All I Want For Christmas Is You”, you get all versions of the song, not just the Mariah version.

4. You get 1 point every time your song is played.  If the IMMEDIATE next song played is one of your songs, you get 3 bonus points.  If the song IMMEDIATELY after that is one of your songs too, it’s an auto-win and the game is over.

5. Dominick The Donkey cannot be drafted.  If Dominick The Donkey plays, whoever scored the last point loses a point.

6. Make sure to put something good on the line so you can brag your ass off during Christmas dinner.

Merry Christmas ya filthy animals!


Tis the season to eat and drink your face off in the name of Baby Jesus.  Food companies across our great nation recognize this as well, so they slap a bunch of peppermint on a product just in time for Christmas.  Here are my 15 second food reviews for some of the best Christmas treats I could find (at a random Rite Aid on a December afternoon):

Pepperidge Farm Candy Cane Milano

Rating: 8.8.  Milano cookies and candy canes are both tasty and classy as hell on their own.  Combined it is a dream.  8.8 may have even been shorting them.  I was seeing stars when I ate that cookie.  THAT’S how good they are together.  And yes, this is how a mint cookie should be done, Thin Mints.  The Girl Scouts should go back to the drawing board with Candy Cane Milano as their inspiration.


Gingerbread Peeps

Rating: 4.2.  If you like eating a bunch of Peeps, or even raw marshmallows in general, you are a weirdo that simply cannot be trusted.  Marshmallows were a good dessert back when horse racing was a national sport and the cup and ball was a fun toy.  Times change.  However, the only thing worse than Peeps are gingerbread.  Gingerbread is basically graham crackers with a weird aftertaste.  Another way to put this is that gingerbread is to winter as pumpkin spice is to fall, which means it sucks and is overrated.


Andes Creme De Menthe Christmas Tree

Rating: 8.7.  You become smarter and more sophisticated when you eat an Andes mint.  It really is that simple.  Plus you don’t have to brush your teeth before bed.  And if you don’t think of Home Alone the minute “Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree” comes on the radio, you are a lost cause of a human.


Candy Cane Shotglass

Rating: 1.2.  Nothing like drinking straight vodka and expecting to have a nice peppermint aftertaste, except just getting a kick to the face with a vodka aftertaste.  A for effort, F – in execution.  F you Candy Can Shotglass company that is likely run by child laborers in China

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Die Hard is many things.  It is the best action film of all time.  It is the project that made Bruce Willis a superstar.  And it is also a Christmas movie.  If movies like Frosty the Snowman and Home Alone are considered Christmas movies, then Die Hard is definitely a Christmas movie.  I am sure there were many debates around many dinner tables a few weeks ago regarding this subject.  So I will gladly come to Die Hard’s defense in this matter.  Since Christmas falls on December 25th, here are 25 examples of Christmas references in Die Hard.

  1. The main setting for the entire movie is at a Christmas party (hijacked or not).  There is a giant Christmas tree in the middle of the room and Takagi wishes everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year from the CEO and the Board of Directors.  Based on the lack of security and other people in the building, Christmas Eve is maybe the only day where a heist like this could hypothetically work.
  2. The orchestra plays “Ode To Joy” the entire time the party is going on.  The song is also played at different speeds in later parts of the movie, usually depending on the mood of the scene.  “Ode To Joy” is not technicially a Christmas song, but is played a lot during the holiday season.
  3. Our first time meeting Ellis, we see him hitting on Holly.  She reminds him that it’s Christmas Eve and a time for “families…stockings…chestnuts…Rudolph and Frosty”.
  4. When Holly gets back to her office, she sees Ginny is still working.  She tells Ginny to join the party, she is making her feel like Ebenezer Scrooge.
  5. The aforementioned office is decorated in the Christmas spirit, with multiple Santa decorations on the desks.
  6. Holly tells Lucy “no snooping around for presents” on the phone.
  7. John has a giant bear with a bow on it.  It is clearly a Christmas gift.
  8. John asks Argyle to play some Christmas music, which Argyle has already put on.  “Christmas Time In Hollis” is definitely a Christmas song.
  9. John gets a big kiss of the cheek from a drunk employee, who wishes him a “Merry Christmas”.
  10. After meeting Mr. Takagi, John mentions “I didn’t realize they celebrated Christmas in Japan”.
  11. When John first escapes the terrorist takeover, he is on the 33rd floor, which has Christmas decorations up.
  12. Once John kills Tony, he puts a Santa hat on Tony’s head and writes “Now I have a machine gun.  Ho-Ho-Ho” on Tony’s shirt.
  13. During John’s radio transmission to the police dispatch station, we can briefly see some Christmas decorations up.
  14. When Powell is in the ampm convenience store, “Let It Snow” is playing on the store’s speakers and Powell is singing the song to himself.
  15. The trees in the main entranceway of Nakatomi Plaza have Christmas lights on them.
  16. As Powell leaves the Nakatomi building after his initial inspection, him and the security guard wish Merry Christmas to one another.
  17. Powell continues to sing “Let It Snow” to himself in the driveway of Nakatomi Plaza.
  18. At the beginning of the news broadcast, Gail Wallens says “Our top stories on this Christmas Eve”.  Random aside, but Gail seems like a pretty nice lady.  I feel bad that she has to work with jerks like Harvey and Thornburg.
  19. When the LAPD tries to forcibly enter the Nakatomi building, Theo says ” ‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except… the four assholes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation”.
  20. After Theo tells Hans that they will need a miracle to break through the electro-magnetic lock on the vault, Hans tells him “It’s Christmas Theo.  It’s the time of miracles”.
  21. When Agent Johnson demands that the power company shut down the grid, Dwayne explains that he should ask the mayor about this first, since it is Christmas Eve.
  22. Once the vault is unlocked and opens, Theo’s eyes grow wide and he wishes everyone a Merry Christmas.
  23. Realizing he only has two bullets left and needs to think of a plan, John sees Christmas packaging tape.  He tapes the gun to his back and you can clearly see the tape says Season’s Greetings when the camera pans to it.
  24. As all the hostages are leaving the building after being rescued, thousands of papers are flying from the sky.  This is the closest thing to snow that you will find in Los Angeles.
  25. As John and Holly drive away from the scene, “Let It Snow” plays.  Which means that Christmas music played as John arrived and departed from Nakatomi Plaza.  This is what we call symmetry, people.

This is not a reason, but it was just too good not to post.  What great attention to detail, down to Karl getting hanged by a candy cane.


Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my reasons.  If you have any others, please feel free to add them in the comments section next to the title of this post.

With another holiday season in the books, it is time to look back on what was overrated and underrated during this magical time.



Mistletoe:  You cannot go wrong with something that encourages people to kiss.  Whether it is used for comedic purposes or can help break the ice for that awkward first kiss, mistletoe is great (especially at parties where the alcohol is flowing).


Santa Coke:  Santa Coke is great because just seeing the can or bottle reminds you that Christmas is around the corner.  But that isn’t the best part about it.  Santa Coke also tastes somewhere between 30-70% better.  I am convinced the people at Coca Cola put some extra sugar/flavor into the soda during the holiday season in order to add a little cheer into everyone’s lives.


Liquor gift sets:  A bottle of booze is always a good gift during the holiday season.  But usually for the same price, you can get a gift set, with a glass or some sort of bonus inside with the bottle.  Admittedly I love collecting drinking glasses, but I think this is always a sweet perk when buying or receiving gifts.  Plus the other half of the gift makes you feel happy/funny/invincible.


Candy Canes:  God bless these sugary treats from the Gods.  They taste great, make your breath smell better, and look nice when hanging on a Christmas tree.  I love that peppermint is the unofficial flavor of Christmas and I hope that people one day celebrate “peppermint season” as much as they currently celebrate “pumpkin season”.  We need more peppermint flavored treats during the holidays.  Remove the few remaining gingerbread staples and focus on peppermint.


Personalized Christmas Ornaments:  The last few years I have received a few personalized Christmas ornaments as gifts and I love it.  For some reason, when something is in “ornament form”, it just seems well done.  For the foreseeable future, you will put up those ornaments every year and think about that event/friend/family member/time of your life and smile.  Next year buy someone a good ornament and I guarantee they will like it.


The Christmas Glow: Nothing beats turning on your Christmas tree lights, turning off the rest of the lights around the house, and just laying down and basking in the glow of Christmas lights.  Add some fresh tree smell and you fill up with the Christmas spirit immediately.  In fact, I am going to write the rest of this blog in that exact state.  I suggest you do the same.



Fruitcake: How fruitcake became an annual tradition, I’ll never know.  It always has a weird flavor to it and anything cake related should be 100% great.  When someone brings it to a party, it usually goes untouched.  We need to change up the traditional dessert of Christmas to match the all around greatness that is Christmas.


Black Friday: I hate almost everything about Black Friday. The best deals are either impossible to get or are junk you would never usually buy. These soulless corporations make their employees work on holiday and extremely long hours. People fight and hurt each other for crappy deals.  The stories have gone from a funny sideshow to a scary annual tradition.  Shop online and save yourself time, money, and ER visits.



Egg Nog:  Whenever I eat eggs, I need some sort of combination of meat, cheese, and/or bread to mask the pure taste of egg.  An entire drink devoted to this flavor?  No thanks.  If hosts have to often ask “Do you like egg nog?” at a party, it means there is a wide array of people who hate it.  Let’s think of a drink that is unique to the holiday season and goes well with booze.  Let’s stop this charade that egg nog isn’t pretty awful and just acknowledge that it’s a very weird way to get a buzz.  Facts are facts.  Maybe something with peppermint could work…


New Year’s Eve: On paper, New Year’s Eve should be amazing.  Alcohol is a staple to the holiday, almost everyone is off the next day, and it lends itself to happiness and celebration.  But usually it ends with people fretting about what to do, going to an overpriced bar/restaurant, and partying with people who cannot handle their booze.  The New Year’s Eve shows on TV are usually filled with celebrities and musicians you would never have any interest in.  And you spend the first day of the new year in complete shambles.  Sorry New Year’s Eve, but you are overrated.