Did I Think Of The Greatest Pick Up Move In The History Of The World?

So I was listening to JJ and Trent talk on Yuppie Junk the other day and one of the listeners wrote in saying how she only wanted to bang her co-worker if they were on his boat.  Which reminded me of a few basic facts of life:

1. Girls like guys that have boats.

2. Due to this, guys that have boats are more likely to get laid than guys that don’t have boats.

3. Because of this (as well as the sheer cost to make a boat), boats are expensive.

But what if you didn’t have enough money to buy a boat to impress girls?  Couldn’t you just head over to Amazon and pick up one of the floating keychain thingies like the one above, and put it on your keychain with a fake boat key (like one from a lawnmower or something)?  Of course you would need a flimsy backstory about your awesome boat with it’s witty name.  But that shouldn’t take more than one minute of decent thought.

Of course, this is all part of the courting game.  Girls get dolled up to look more presentable.  Guys lie about how successful they are.  It’s just how the game works.  So what’s one more little lie about owning a boat?  $7 for a keychain that she will think is adorable?  It would be crazy NOT to buy one of these, in my opinion.  Plus, you are lying to yourself if you don’t think that whale is freaking adorable.

So the question is can a $7 floating keychain help break the ice for 1/10000th the price of owning a boat?  Being a married man, I’ve been out of the game way to long to know if this would actually work.  So let’s give it the old democratic smell test.

Vote Yes for “You may be onto something here, Clem”.  Vote No for “Stuff it old man, this is a stupid idea”.  Also, if you try this out, let me know how it goes by tweeting me @TheClemReport.

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Match.com Creates Technology That Will Likely End Up Causing Millions Of Fights And/Or Murders Between Couples

Gizmodo-  Match.com recently announced a partnership with Three Day Rule, a personalized matchmaking service that will find you a date that looks like your ex. You simply send them some pictures, and they find a match. The service costs $5,000 for six month membership. And it’s creepy as hell.

“I’ve noticed over my years in matchmaking that people have types,” Talia Goldstein, the founder of Three Day Rule, told Mashable. “People have a type and it’s not necessarily about height or race or hair color, but a lot of it is about face shape.”

And what better way to find that special shape than 21st-century facial recognition software? You get more than just creepiness with your new super premium Match.com membership, though. Three Day Rule also supplies a professional matchmaker who will meet with you, discuss your “type,” and even prescreen dates so you don’t waste your time with types you won’t like. The company calls this “a unique, curated online dating experience for relationship-oriented singles.”

I understand what Match.com is thinking.  If you have a certain “type”of fish, it would be nice to steered in the right direction of the sea, right?  This should all work amongst reasonable people.  However, once your significant other finds out he/she is a pseudo-clone of your ex and that’s what you were looking for?  Reasonable goes out the window and that’s where the proverbial shit will hit the proverbial fan.  You will be either covered in doo doo or your own blood.  These people’s blood is on your hands, Match.com.

Here are some other ideas that the Match.com people must have thrown around.

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