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Final Rating: 6.2/10. Burger King could have gotten away with a below average effort if they just made a Whopper with a black bun. Who doesn’t love food coloring? Green beer on St. Patty’s Day is the tits! But if you are going to load a burger with A1 sauce and say the bun is “infused with A1 sauce”, you need to bring your fastball. And The King didn’t. Be better, Burger King. (PS: That is black bun in my teeth. I promise you my mouth is not rotting, even if I patently refuse to floss)
On a positive note, at least I found out this lovely tidbit after eating the Halloween Whopper. I should be in for a nice treat in a few hours (probably less than that if we are being honest, since it is Burger King after all)
To view the rest of my 15 second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.
Last year,I did a review of all the flavors for the Lay’s Do Us A Flavor contest, which helped get me started down this long, cholesterol-raising road of food reviews. So being the man of honor that I strive to be, I have decided to do the reviews with the four new flavors of 2015: Southern Biscuits And Gravy, West Coast Truffle Fries, New York Ruben, and Greektown Gyro. Onto the reviews.
Southern Biscuits And Gravy:
Rating: 7.8
Pretty damn good. They kinda tasted like the turkey and gravy chips I reviewed at Thanksgiving time. Are they better than last year’s winner (in my mind at least) Bacon Mac N Cheese? Nope. Or Cappuccino? Probably not. But they are decent. And any time you get to listen to a little bit of Ludacris as you eat junk food, life isn’t all that bad.
West Coast Truffle Fries:
Rating: 4.2
Now this one broke my heart. Whenever someone orders truffle fries for the table, I will likely say something like “Oh, that’s cool. I’ll probably have a couple.” And then I do not hear another word of conversation at the table until the fries arrive because they are all I am thinking about. So yeah, I like truffle fries. But these things were a goddamn traveshamockery on that wonderful food.
New York Reuben:
Rating: 1.2.
The brief whiff of these chips almost made me throw up. But I gave them a shot anyway. As you can see in the video, it’s a gradual decline from tasting to disliking to pure hatred. When I say it tasted like a subway, I meant one of those subway trains where there is a homeless person that is asleep/dead in the corner and you can never get that smell out of your nose. Yup, that bad.
Greektown Gyro:
Rating: 0. Zero. A goddamn goose egg. The worst actual food I have ever tasted. Bigfoot’s dick level of disgusting.
So there are my reviews for this batch of Lay’s Do Us A Flavor chips. To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click play below or select the video you would like to watch by clicking the icon in the upper-lefthand corner and choose a review.
Final Rating: 8.5/10. Basically a Corn Nut, if you have ever had one of them. The butter and salt flavor is real good and can lead to some good old fashioned binging. The kernel was not too hard, which was my biggest worry going into the review. Well my biggest worry other than the health effects of doing all these junk food reviews for the love of the game. But that discussion is for another day. We have a bag of partially popped popcorn to finish.
To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.
Final Rating: 8.1/10 There are 3 certainties in life:
1. Whenever a snack food has a “limited edition” or “limited batch” of a new flavor, I will 100% buy it.
2. I will rate any Cape Cod chip (other than Buffalo Cheddar) at least a 7.5 because of how well they kettle cook the chips.
3. People will mispronounce the word “chipotle” and it will drive me bananas. I should not be friends with those people.
As for the chip, I’m not a huge flavored-chip guy. It’s decent, not great. Give me a bag of regular Cape Cod chips any day of the week. And bring back the Dark Russets, God dammit!
P.S. I was in the Cape over the summer and stopped by the Cape Cod Potato Chip Factory. I hate to admit how high that was on my bucket list. Still brings a tear to my eye thinking about it.
To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.
Final Rating: 7.4/10. The flavor of Cheez It crackers are incredible. For my money, they are the best cracker in the snack food game. You don’t get that type of strong cheddar taste unless you are digging into the batter’s box against a Henry Rowengartner fastball. However, on the cheese puff, the flavor just tastes fake. It gets a 7.1 because like every cheese puff/doodle ever, these things are addicting. The real news here is that you can eat a ton of these and not walk away with solid orange fingers. That’s worth 0.3 review points, easily. Now we need the people at Cheetos to steal this technology and finally make the world a perfect place.
To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.
Final Rating: 6.8/10. It’s chock full of cheese and steak, which I love. So now you are saying “Hey Clem, stop being such a nincompoop. If it has a ton of cheese and steak, it should be at least a 9.0”. But NOT SO FAST MY FRIEND. The flatbread (or whatever it is) cannot handle the weight. So everything falls apart. Plus it’s just kind of bland. It need a little more flavor in it. Maybe a hint of sour cream or nacho cheese to kick it up a notch. How about some bacon bits? Potatoes? Get creative, Taco Bell. If I am going to put my intestines through the trauma of a Taco Bell run, I want it to be worth it.
To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.
Final Rating: 2.2/10. Just your typically over-sweetened Taco Bell concoction. Nothing to see here. But what really hurts is how Taco Bell is tarnishing the good name of a Hall of Fame candy flavor (Strawberry Starburst). They hit a home run with the Doritos taco shells. But this was a huge strikeout. Shame on you, Taco Bell. Shame on you.
To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.
Final Rating: 8.8/10. The internet will not let us forget that bacon is awesome. I don’t know if you can actually give bacon anything but a 10 because it is always a 10. So Slim Jim Bacon Jerky actually is an 18.8/10, if that makes sense. The price of a 2 oz. bag of bacon jerky costs the same as a pound of uncooked bacon, so take that into account before getting crazy and buying it in bulk.
Macho Man Impersonation Rating: 5/10. I went into this review trying out my Macho Man and it was on point in my brain. However, I wasn’t saying “Snap into a Slim Jim”. I was saying things like “Oooooh yeah, dig it”.
I recorded the review and used it, despite knowing how awful my voice was because I honestly don’t know if I could have done a better version. Anyway, here is my Macho Man impression doing an actual Macho Man line. This is much better, in my opinion.
Rating: 8.6/10. Not as tasty or soft as Orange, but still pretty damn good. I still don’t understand why grape is such a great candy flavor. Actually, any grape candy should just be called purple. Purple is a great candy flavor.
To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.
Tis the season to eat and drink your face off in the name of Baby Jesus. Food companies across our great nation recognize this as well, so they slap a bunch of peppermint on a product just in time for Christmas. Here are my 15 second food reviews for some of the best Christmas treats I could find (at a random Rite Aid on a December afternoon):
Pepperidge Farm Candy Cane Milano
Rating: 8.8. Milano cookies and candy canes are both tasty and classy as hell on their own. Combined it is a dream. 8.8 may have even been shorting them. I was seeing stars when I ate that cookie. THAT’S how good they are together. And yes, this is how a mint cookie should be done, Thin Mints. The Girl Scouts should go back to the drawing board with Candy Cane Milano as their inspiration.
Gingerbread Peeps
Rating: 4.2. If you like eating a bunch of Peeps, or even raw marshmallows in general, you are a weirdo that simply cannot be trusted. Marshmallows were a good dessert back when horse racing was a national sport and the cup and ball was a fun toy. Times change. However, the only thing worse than Peeps are gingerbread. Gingerbread is basically graham crackers with a weird aftertaste. Another way to put this is that gingerbread is to winter as pumpkin spice is to fall, which means it sucks and is overrated.
Andes Creme De Menthe Christmas Tree
Rating: 8.7. You become smarter and more sophisticated when you eat an Andes mint. It really is that simple. Plus you don’t have to brush your teeth before bed. And if you don’t think of Home Alone the minute “Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree” comes on the radio, you are a lost cause of a human.
Candy Cane Shotglass
Rating: 1.2. Nothing like drinking straight vodka and expecting to have a nice peppermint aftertaste, except just getting a kick to the face with a vodka aftertaste. A for effort, F – in execution. F you Candy Can Shotglass company that is likely run by child laborers in China
The Clem Report 