Posts Tagged ‘food review’

Final Rating: 8.8/10.  The internet will not let us forget that bacon is awesome.  I don’t know if you can actually give bacon anything but a 10 because it is always a 10.  So Slim Jim Bacon Jerky actually is an 18.8/10, if that makes sense.  The price of a 2 oz. bag of bacon jerky costs the same as a pound of uncooked bacon, so take that into account before getting crazy and buying it in bulk.

Macho Man Impersonation Rating: 5/10.  I went into this review trying out my Macho Man and it was on point in my brain.  However, I wasn’t saying “Snap into a Slim Jim”.  I was saying things like “Oooooh yeah, dig it”.

I recorded the review and used it, despite knowing how awful my voice was because I honestly don’t know if I could have done a better version.  Anyway, here is my Macho Man impression doing an actual Macho Man line.  This is much better, in my opinion.

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#RIP

 

To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.

 

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Rating: 8.6/10.  Not as tasty or soft as Orange, but still pretty damn good.  I still don’t understand why grape is such a great candy flavor.  Actually, any grape candy should just be called purple.  Purple is a great candy flavor.

To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click the word Playlist at the top of the video below and choose a review.

 

 

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Tis the season to eat and drink your face off in the name of Baby Jesus.  Food companies across our great nation recognize this as well, so they slap a bunch of peppermint on a product just in time for Christmas.  Here are my 15 second food reviews for some of the best Christmas treats I could find (at a random Rite Aid on a December afternoon):

Pepperidge Farm Candy Cane Milano

Rating: 8.8.  Milano cookies and candy canes are both tasty and classy as hell on their own.  Combined it is a dream.  8.8 may have even been shorting them.  I was seeing stars when I ate that cookie.  THAT’S how good they are together.  And yes, this is how a mint cookie should be done, Thin Mints.  The Girl Scouts should go back to the drawing board with Candy Cane Milano as their inspiration.

 

Gingerbread Peeps

Rating: 4.2.  If you like eating a bunch of Peeps, or even raw marshmallows in general, you are a weirdo that simply cannot be trusted.  Marshmallows were a good dessert back when horse racing was a national sport and the cup and ball was a fun toy.  Times change.  However, the only thing worse than Peeps are gingerbread.  Gingerbread is basically graham crackers with a weird aftertaste.  Another way to put this is that gingerbread is to winter as pumpkin spice is to fall, which means it sucks and is overrated.

 

Andes Creme De Menthe Christmas Tree

Rating: 8.7.  You become smarter and more sophisticated when you eat an Andes mint.  It really is that simple.  Plus you don’t have to brush your teeth before bed.  And if you don’t think of Home Alone the minute “Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree” comes on the radio, you are a lost cause of a human.

 

Candy Cane Shotglass

Rating: 1.2.  Nothing like drinking straight vodka and expecting to have a nice peppermint aftertaste, except just getting a kick to the face with a vodka aftertaste.  A for effort, F – in execution.  F you Candy Can Shotglass company that is likely run by child laborers in China

For more 15 second food reviews, check out and subscribe to my Youtube Channel or watch below:

 

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Even though I am a junk food connoisseur, sometimes legendary foods can fly under even my radar.  Boulder Canyon Natural Foods recently released Thanksgiving flavored kettle cooked potato chips and I was none the wiser.  Luckily Sean from The Sean And Bo Show was kind enough to tip me off about these glorious flavors and sent me bags of each flavor.  As you guys know, I have gone on the Sean And Bo Show a couple of times to talk about sports and the such.  They are definitely worth a listen if you want to get a funny take about what is going on in the sports world.  Check out their podcast over the Thanksgiving break by clicking here.

Anyway, I am going to review these chips as I have done with all my other reviews.  You will see that I am wearing a Barry Sanders jersey, as is my Thanksgiving tradition.  In related news, if you don’t wear a Barry Sanders Lions jersey on Thanksgiving, you are a communist.  Anyway, on to the reviews, you communist bastard.

Cranberry

Rating:  6.2/10.  In full disclosure, I do not like cranberries.  I don’t like them as a berry, as a sauce, or as a juice (what are you, on your period?).  Anyway, the chips didn’t really have a strong cranberry taste.  Just kind of a subtle, sweet flavor.  However, the band The Cranberries are incredible.  I wanted to go with “Zombie” for this review, but that seemed more Halloween-ish than Thanksgiving-ish.  “Dreams” is my 2nd favorite Cranberries song, but I didn’t think it had enough appeal.  Okay, I’m rambling.

 

Stuffing

Rating:  9.2/10.  A quick rant here.  Stuffing is the best side dish on Thanksgiving.  Mashed potatoes are great, but that’s more of an all-year-round side.  Yams, corn, sweet potatoes, etc. cannot even DREAM of being on the same level as stuffing.  <End of rant>.  They nailed the multifaceted taste of stuffing in these chips and I am now fiending the living daylights for homemade stuffing.  Fantastic work, Boulder Canyon.

 

Turkey & Gravy

Rating:  8.4/10.  Turkey and gravy is like the quarterback and head coach for an NFL team.  If they are bad, your team/meal cannot be anything better than average.  But if they are good-to-great, all the other pieces fall into place perfectly.  This chip flavor falls in the good range.

Pumpkin Pie

Rating:  6.7/10.  <Rant #2>  I dislike pumpkin flavored items.  If pumpkins tasted so good, we would eat pumpkins.  We wouldn’t process it and load it up with sugar/seasoning/etc.  This latest pumpkin trend is out of control.  It is a disgrace to America that apple is not the official and unofficial flavor of fall <End of rant #2>.  Anyway, this “pumpkin” pie chip was pretty good.  Better than the cranberry chip, but still pretty weak.  To this day, I will ask for a slice of pumpkin pie with whipped cream, eat the whipped cream, and throw the piece of pie away untouched.  I have that much disrespect for pumpkin flavoring.

Again, I’d like to thank the Sean And Bo Show for sending along these tasty treats.  Make sure to follow them on Twitter by clicking the button below.

 

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Rating: 7.2/10.  You can kinda taste the nacho cheese flavor, but you still need more.  The Doritos Locos Tacos at Taco Bell give you plenty of flavor but also loads your fingers up with cheese dust.  The Old El Paso taco shells don’t mess up your fingers, but they just aren’t cheesy enough.  When you add in that these shells taste like Bravos (AKA welfare Doritos), I had to give them a barely passing grade.  

However, these shells and Old El Paso in general gets extra credit for inventing the Stand ‘n Stuff Shells a few years ago.  We put a man on the moon before we had taco shells that were (relatively) easy to fill.  That being said, the shells need to be wider so they don’t break.  I had 4 broken shells when I opened the package.  An uttah, uttah disgrace (Mike Francesa voice).  Long story short, the king (Doritos Locos Tacos) stay the king.  

Would I spend a couple extra pennies to get the cheese shells?  Yes.  They aren’t great, but they are better than plain corn shells.

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I can’t lie, the marketing department at Skittles suckered me in with their Darkside flavors.  If you want to be a bad boy, you have to eat Darkside Skittles.  There is just no two ways about it.  Anyway, here are the flavor reviews:

Pomegranate

Rating: 3.8/10.  If Skittles came out with cough medicine, this flavor would fit right in.  But alas, it doesn’t.  Also, I hate how everyone says they love pomegranate just because it is a trendy fruit.  If Pomegranate was always grown in the good ol’ US of A instead of “exotic” China, we wouldn’t even feed it to our pets.  Just a terrible fruit.

Midnight Lime

Rating: 7.8/10.  Lime isn’t the best flavor in the world, but it beats the hell out of green apple.  When lime was in the package, you could eat a few Skittles at once and have a nice medley of flavors.  Now if you do that, you have green apple dominate your taste buds.  Going from lime to green apple is like when the Bills went from Doug Flutie to Rob Johnson.  Johnson was the bigger name, but Flutie was the scrapper that made everything somehow work.

Dark Berry

Rating: 6.2/10.  Meh as meh can be.  

Blood Orange

Rating: 8.4/10.  Did Skittles take regular orange and just dye it to be a little red?  Probably.  Can my small brain figure out that this is all a marketing ploy?  Probably not.

Forbidden Fruit

Rating: 7.2/10.  If something is forbidden, it should be incredible.  We all know what the forbidden fruit was in the Garden of Eden.  This was not as good as that forbidden fruit.  

Overall Pack Rating: 6.7/10.  Basically crap.  Back to the drawing board, John Skittles (who Skittles are named after)*.

*Not true (probably) 

Rating: 9.0/10: It is pretty hard to mess up kettle cooked potato chips in my eyes, as they are the kings of the potato chip family.  This chip has a solid crunch and isn’t too salty.  Cape Cod chips are still my #1, but Saratoga did a prettyyyyyy, prettyyyyyy, pretyyyyyyy good job with their chip.  They also have a dark russet chip which I have to try, as Cape Cod has apparently discontinued their take on the classic flavor.  That makes me 😦

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