Posts Tagged ‘movies’

So with Jurassic World coming out soon, I figured this was the best time to ask this question. Whenever I think of the Jurassic Park song, I think of when they enter the park for the first time. But to be fair, the actual theme to Jurassic Park is a whole lot of Johm Williams awesomeness and a ton of people probably associate that more with the movie. So it’s time to ask the impossible question. Which Jurassic Park song is better?

Song A:


Song B:



Simply put, Die Hard is the best movie of all-time.  It is also a Christmas movie.  So ipso facto, Die Hard is the best Christmas movie of all-time.  With less than 2 weeks until Saint Nick squeezes his fat ass down a billion chimneys, I figured it was the perfect time to put my Die Hard Power Rankings up on The Stool.

These rankings only apply to the first movie.  If you are ranking the actual movies, it goes 1,3,2 (while imagining that 4 and 5 never happened).  And comparing Die Hard to the Bond or Bourne movies is like comparing Mariano Rivera to Ruben Rivera.  No contest.  Anyway, here are the Definitive Die Hard Character Power Rankings.


25. Airplane Passenger


This douchey know-it-all gives McClane some rock solid advice about “fists with your toes”.  If you have never tried “fists with your toes” after a long flight, you are a Grade-A boob.  I also kinda wish this guy took a bullet to the dome at some point of the movie.


24. Tony


Gotta give Tony some serious props for being able to cut the phone wires before Karl comes in like a maniac and chainsaws everything.  Growing up with Karl must have been tough, since he is a legitimate fucking psycho.  Tony cannot be ranked higher because he is quickly outsmarted by McClane, has awful fashion sense, and dies like a pussy.  Plus he clearly has a baby dick based on the size of his shoes.


23. Eddie


Eddie is a decent shooter with the midwestern charm and demeanor that makes Trent look mean and aggressive (which is basically impossible).



22. Harvey Johnson


Hey look!  It’s LA’s least favorite anchorman!  Harvey stands out as an arrogant jerk in a movie full of them.  I imagine he is a drinker, womanizer, and absentee parent.  If he was on TV today, there would definitely be a viral YouTube video of him dropping racist comments as the cameras were recording without his knowledge.


21. Paulina


Ahhh, Paulina. Holly seems to love her, but she doesn’t put up much of a fight against Thornburg.  She lets that weasel and the news team in the house to interview/exploit the kids and puts their parents in danger.  That being said, she does get bonus points for likely being the inspiration for the Family Guy maid.


20. Gail Wallens


When we are first introduced to the news team, we see how Gail keeps everything professional despite being surrounded by a small army of blowhards.  She also has awesome 80s hair and a pearl necklace.  Haha, pearl necklace.


19. Marco


Hans’ ace skydiver comes in at this spot because of one scene that ages like a fine wine.  What an accent.  What a dose of irony.


18. Ginny


The older you get, the more you respect Ginny.  She works her ass off on Christmas Eve for a soulless corporation and is looking to get boozy despite being 9 months pregnant.  She just reeks like a party girl single mom that wouldn’t make it 10 minutes as a Mets employee under Jeff Wilpon.


17. Agent Johnson


Clearly the cooler-headed of the 2 Johnsons, we don’t hear much from him in the movie.  But his “I was in Junior High dickhead” line is phenomenal and he kinda looks like Carl Weathers in this picture, which has to count for something.


16. Lucy McClane


Lucy is up this high for a few reasons.  She answers the phone like a professional.  She isn’t afraid to ask the tough questions (When are you coming home?  Is daddy coming home with you?).  And she has the cutest lisp in the history of cute lisps.


15. The Couple Banging During The Christmas Party


Getting down during your company’s Christmas party is pretty damn ballsy in general, let alone when the party is in the office.  You know these two call #Mailtime regularly to bump nasties.  As for this chick’s boobs…



14. Joseph Takagi


A sophisticated, well-dressed man that ends up with a blowhole in the back of his head.  Literally the kind of boss that would die for his company’s well-being.  He definitely gives off that “pushy Asian dad” vibe, though.


13. Airplane Stewardess


The “fuck me eyes” this little minx has for McClane almost throws the whole movie for a loop.  If he wasn’t going to see his kids, I guarantee he takes her and his giant stuffed bear back to a hotel and spends a lovely Christmas Eve yippee-ki-yay’ing all over her.  Hans robs the building, the hostages die, and the terrorists are on the beach earning 20% before anyone has a clue what happened.  That is how powerful this look is.  Resisting it may be the most impressive thing McClane does in the entire Die Hard series.


12. Uli


Uli steals every scene he is in and makes the most out of every minute of screen time.  All that and A+ facial hair make him a first ballot inductee to the Bit Movie Character Hall Of Fame, along with Samuel L. Jackson in Jurassic Park, The Baby from Roger Rabbit, and John Candy in Home Alone.


11. Special Agent Johnson 


Basically the prototype for every cigarette-smoking, blowhard government agent in future action movies.  Special Agent Johnson is the hardo’s hardo.  A Top 10 character in any other flick.


10. Richard Thornburg


This is where the list gets really tough to chop down.  Thornburg is such a great sleezeball that he appears in Die Hard 2 and you are actually excited to see him.  As ruthless and cunning as a TMZ reporter, Big Dick Thornburg was ahead of his time.  But this isn’t even this actor’s best performance of a dickless asshole in an 80’s movie.


9. Dwayne T. Robinson


Dwayne T. Robinson is to bumbling Deputy Police Chiefs what Special Agent Johnson is to FBI Agents.  Simply the prototype for all future movies to copy.  His chemistry with Powell could have lead to a fantastic black and white cop sitcom that would have killed it in the ratings.  The execs in Hollywood just don’t know a can’t miss when they see it.  He obviously was also the GOAT asshole authority figure in The Breakfast Club as well.


8. Argyle


Argyle is the most likable character in the movie.  He cracks jokes, knows how to have fun while on the job, and would probably help you bury the body of a dead hooker if it meant he would get a better tip.  His achilles heel is that he has terrible awareness of what’s going on around him.  Busting through the gates of a parking garage after a hostile showdown with terrrorists was not the smartest thing in the world.  I do not understand why the LAPD didn’t open fire on his limo after he did that .  And while we are talking about it, why didn’t Argyle drive through that gate earlier in the movie?  And what if Theo wasn’t a terrorist?  Would ramming into his car and knocking him out been a smart move?  There are always more questions than answers when it comes to our buddy Argyle.  But since he is smooth as fuck, we are willing to overlook them.


7. Karl


The biggest European movie badass this side of Ivan Drago, Karl is the real muscle behind the operation.  Hans is the planner, Theo is the brains, and Karl is the rabid dog off his leash after Tony gets killed.  The cat and mouse game with McClane keeps you on the edge of your seat for the entire movie.  Karl has incredible hair, shows great leadership, and survives an attempted hanging.  Let me say that again: HE SURVIVES AN ATTEMPTED HANGING!  Finally, Karl being a ballet dancer in real life is one of the biggest mind fucks you will ever experience.


6. Theo


I think the reason I love Theo so much is because I see a lot of myself in him.  He is the smartest villain, the wittiest character in the movie, and has a silver tongue.  “Oh my God, the quarterback is toast” and the “Twas the night before Christmas” play by play are so fucking great. Theo is the 6th man of Die Hard.  He may not get the most minutes or the best stats, but the whole team/movie falls apart without him.


5. Holly


This seems about right for the best estranged wife in the history of estranged wives.  This is the woman that was able to tame the bucking bronco known as John McClane.  That feat alone puts her in the Top 5.  I will deduct points for the whole maiden-name fiasco, regardless of the motivation behind it.  And despite her whole 80s get up, Holly looks fine as fuck at the end of the movie when she is covered in blood/sweat/sprinkler water.


4. Al Powell


Al Powell is the kindest soul in Die Hard.  He buys Twinkies for his pregnant wife, ignores insults from convenience store clerks, and is always there for John.  Sure Powell mistakenly shot a kid once, but that was before social media, so all the mainstream media fuckheads probably ignored it.  We love you for who you are, Carl Winslow!


3. Harry Ellis


A poor man’s Jordan Belfort, Ellis loves blow more than the 86 Mets.  He shamelessly goes after a married woman, cares way too much about self-image and brand names, and tries to buy/negotiate his way out of everything.  He is 1980s America all rolled into one glorious stereotype.  Somehow you love Ellis every minute he is on screen yet also cheer when he takes a bullet between the eyes.  There is something to be said for that type of versatility.


2. Hans Gruber


And here he is folks, the greatest movie villain of all time.  Hans has an eye for fashion, an incredible bad guy voice, and is always one step ahead of the game.  He is ruthless, calculating, yet hilarious.  Hans Gruber was such a great character, that when they revealed that Simon was his brother in Die Hard 3, it made the movie roughly 100000 times better.   He is definitely in the Top 5 for best movie characters ever.  Substitute anyone else for Alan Rickman, and both Hans and McClane are not as nearly entertaining.  The only reason that Hans is not number one on this list is because his plan ultimately failed.

Underrated fact:  Hans Gruber’s last words were “Yippee Ki Yay, Motherfucker”, followed by a long, creepy laugh scene that will never get old.  Just hearing “Yippee Ki Yay, muddafuck” in Hans’ accent will always be funny.


1. John McClane 


Not much needs to be said about John McClane.  If you read this much of the blog post, you already have a good idea how great John McClane is.  He is the coolest, funniest, toughest person ever. He is not only the best Die Hard character of all-time, but the best movie character of all-time and a true American hero.


Now hit his God damn music!


Not really much to add to this.  There are so many great, random ads from movies.  The Truman Show ad was an especially nice touch.  Such an underrated movie.

With the cold weather setting in, I plan on getting REAL comfortable with my Netflix over the next few months.  Like uncomfortably close.  Like call the cops because this sick bastard is way too close for me kind of close.  Okay I will stop talking now.

God bless the internet.

h/t Ballow for the link


via Movoto

Basically if your state is not light blue or light red, you are surrounded by ignoramuses.  And yes, I understand that most people watch Game of Thrones and Fargo without pirating it.  But that’s not the point here.  If you are going through the effort of illegally downloading TV shows, it better be for something decent.  A few other thoughts.

1. Can we annex the green states to China in exchange for a few dollars off of our crushing debt?  Watching “The Big Bang Theory” is terrible enough.  But spending your time and bandwidth to download that show is almost criminal (well I guess it is definitely criminal, if you think about it).

2. New York should probably be stripped of it’s title as the capital of media (and capital of the world if we are being honest).  Torrenting Beauty and the Beast is just an abject disaster that there is no excuse for.  I would rather have a Tyler Perry show be listed there instead of CW’s production of the tale as old as time.

3. I have never heard of Orphan Black, but if West Virginia is the only state that torrents that show, there is NO way I am ever going to watch it.  It probably makes Deliverance look like a Disney movie.

4. I also don’t know a damn thing about Awkward or Penny Dreadful.  But not having the same TV tastes as the residents of Florida, Texas, and Maine is something I am actually proud of.

1. I can’t lie, I figured the Asian heavy populations of California and New York would hammer the Godzilla downloads.  Then again, I imagine most Germans avoided watching Inglorious Basterds for similar reasons.

2. If Texas didn’t have Lone Survivor as their movie, this entire map would be a fraud.  Same with Cuban Fury for Florida.  Right in their respective wheelhouses.

3. Alaska’s movie is about a Texas Cowboy who acquires and fights against AIDS.  I give up.


Newsday-  The comedy classic “Ghostbusters” is being rereleased theatrically on Aug. 29 to help celebrate its 30th anniversary, Sony Pictures announced Thursday.

“Ghostbusters,” directed by Ivan Reitman and starring Dan Aykroyd, Ernie Hudson, Bill Murray and Harold Ramis as the titular paranormal pest-controllers, is being restored and remastered in 4K, an increasingly popular type of image resolution higher than HD or Ultra HD. The movie will play in more than 700 North American locations for a limited engagement beginning Labor Day weekend.

OH EFF YES.  Once Labor Day hits, I can watch the favorite movie of my youth on a giant HD screen while eating a gigantic tub of buttered popcorn and slugging a 96 ounce Cherry Coke.  Do I mix in some candy?  And if so, do I go with chocolate or fruit candy?  Anyway, lets not get ahead of ourselves.  We get all the charm of Bill Murray, the lovability of Harold Ramis, and ummm Dan Akroyd.  We get a Hall of Fame asshole in Walter Peck.  A movie theme that was NUMBER ONE for three weeks in the US.  And maybe, JUST MAYBE Ecto Cooler will come back out (but probably not).  God Bless America!

PS- When someone asks if you’re a God, you say YES!

As much as I was let down by American Hustle, that scene is the perfect capper to this video and it makes the whole movie worthwhile.  God Bless The Internet for making things like this possible.

The people have spoken and those people said that Mr. Kesuke Miyagi was the man to beat in the Movie Deathmatch Tournament.  Miyagi ran through this tournament like a Daniel-san through a Cobra Kai Convention.  Thanks again to everyone who read and voted, we will be back Monday with a new battle.  Happy Weekend!

movie deathmatch


movie deathmatch (more…)

The official trailer for the new Godzilla movie just came out and I am really torn on it.  The last attempt at a Godzilla movie was an absolute travesty.  It was a typical over-promoted 90s blockbuster with Matthew Broderick bopping around NYC and some lame attempt at a CGI Godzilla f’ing things up.  Godzilla was the only creature that laid more eggs in Madison Square Garden than James Dolan.  However, there are a few things that give me some hope for this iteration of that big freaking lizard.

  1. Bryan Cranston is in this movie.  This is his first big role since being the one who knocks.  It took years for him to get a role like Walter White, but he has always been a great actor.  So at least you know that the lead acting role is in good hands.
  2. Cloverfield was a pretty fun movie to watch despite the constant shaky camera.  So a giant lizard monster attacking New York City can clearly work.
  3. There are a few moments in the trailer that are terrifying.  The giant waves, the loud screech, the planes crashing, and the first time seeing Godzilla all are pretty intense.  It doesn’t seem like this is one of those “Hey, we acquired rights to make a Godzilla movie.  Now here is everything except for Godzilla” type of films.
  4. Based on the few glances we get of the monster, Godzilla actually looks like Godzilla.  It’s crazy to think that people could mess up the most important part of a Godzilla movie, but they did exactly that back in 1998.
  5. Based on the breakdown of the trailer, we will get a little backstory to it all.  Hopefully not too much, but enough to give everyone an idea why this gigantic SOB is crushing NYC like Daz and Kurupt.

So all things considered, I am going to take a wait and see approach with this movie.  I will check out the Rotten Tomatoes reviews once they start rolling in around May, but as of now I am leaning towards seeing it in the theater.


OK, it’s confession time.  I hated Legos growing up.  For whatever reason, building something out of those little plastic blocks never interested me and it was always a process to clean them up.  When I first heard that they were making an entire movie about Legos, I quickly dismissed any idea of going.  But after seeing the trailer, I pulled a 180 and was excited to see the movie.  Seeing Batman, Abraham Lincoln, and Shaq all in the same movie is pretty damn rare.  The final straw was finding out the movie received a 96% Fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

Another confession: I love animated movies that adults can enjoy.  The Lion King, Toy Story, and Wreck It Ralph are all very close to my heart.  My wife and I debate Woody vs. Buzz all the time.  I still can’t believe that the majority of my friends are bigger fans of Aladdin than The Lion King.  The Lego Movie is another example of how an animated film can be enjoyed by the older crowd.  It starts out with a highly energetic musical number and the action is high-paced for the next hour and a half.  There are memorable quotes, lovable characters, and references to classic movies.  Plus, can you really go wrong with a movie that has the voices of Will Ferrell, Charlie Day, and Morgan freaking Freeman in it?!?!  Trust me, go to the movie theater this week and see The Lego Movie.  Don’t wait for it to come out on DVD or make tentative plans to see it in the future.  Give it a shot, I guarantee you won’t be disappointed.

Rating: 8.25/10