Posts Tagged ‘power rankings’

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It is with a heavy heart that we do our annual fantasy preview for this season of MTV: The Challenge.  Last year I power ranked each player in The Challenge: Free Agents.  With the passing of Diem and Knight, this season kind of has a black cloud over it.  But nonetheless, my wife, sister, and brother-in-law drafted our teams.  Rest in peace Diem and Knight.  Fuck cancer and the personal demons that took Diem and Knight from us.  But we will push on and try to have some fun watching the show that has brought us so much joy over the years.  The rules are as follows.

Each individual player gets drafted.  If Nany and Johnny Bananas are a team, that’s fine.  But you can only draft one player at a time.  If their team wins a challenge, both the players that have Nany and Bananas get points.  The draft is a typical snake draft.  Even though you will probably read this way too late to draft before the season actually begins, you can still draft after the first episode airs.  There’s nothing wrong with that.

The point system is:

First place in challenge= 25 Points
Last place in challenge= -5 Points
Winning a Dome= 10 Points
Losing a Dome= -10 Points
Surviving an episode= 5 Points
Leave the show for anything other than losing a Dome. This includes giving up in the finals= -25 Points
First place in finals= 100 Points
2nd Place in finals= 50 Points (Must cross finish line)
3rd Place in finals= 15 Points (Must cross finish line)

Teams Breakdown:

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1. Johnny Bananas and Nany:

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Basically the 2001 Miami Hurricanes of this Challenge.

2. Wes and Theresa:

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The 2001 Va Tech Hokies (the only team that may be able to upset Banany, who yes call themselves that).  Theresa goes from meh to hot depending on her outfits and can ABSOLUTELY pull off the knee-high sock look.

3. Jordan and Sarah:

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Jordan is a hardo asshole that no one likes.  Sarah changes between likable to the annoying chick that tries too hard.  Unfortunately they have to be taken seriously on these shows because a break here or there makes them the favorites.

4. Leroy and Nia:

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ROY LEEEE is the God damn man and my favorite person on the show.  Nia is a legit terrible person that I wish ill upon.  I just like Leroy too much to not have him higher.

5. Zach and Jonna:

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Zach looks like a big tough guy, but has lampooned me in two challenges in a row.  Jonna is either a pseudo homeless person or a legit homeless person.  That means she may be weak from malnutrition or may be hungrier and willing to do ANYTHING to win that money.  Do not count that out.  She also goes from a hard 8.5 to a soft 5 depending on her look.  Jonna, like Theresa, dominates the knee-high sock look.

6. CT and Diem:

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Obviously I feel weird talking about this team because of all the real sadness that has happened.  CT is an absolute animal at his peak.  I heard Diem goes home this season.  Call me a sap, but in my heart I hope CT somehow is able to stay on The Challenge, dominate, and donate his winnings to Diem’s MedGift foundation.  It’s not the most likely thing in the world to happen, but I think we are all ROOTING for it to happen.

7. Adam and Brittany:

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I know very little about either of these people, but usually one rookie team surpasses expectations.  Flexing in your pic makes you an asshole, but Adam has muscles.

8. Johnny and Avery: 

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I fell for these two harrrrrrd in their season of The Real World.  I thought they were the modern day Julie Taylor and Matt Saracen.  Except in this version, Johnny broke Avery’s God damn heart.  Sure she may be spacey and perhaps somewhat of a floozy.  But she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen inside and out.  F you Johnny.  Still, they have some clout just because they are both so likable.

9. Jay and Jenna:

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Jenna is hot.  Jay is meh.  Nuff said.  Actually Jenna is really, really, really hot.  Ok, that’s enough.

10. Knight and Jemmye:

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Their relationship is always bordering on chaotic.  Jemmye has been a great competitor in the past, but the picture of her tells me she isn’t in the best physical shape going into The Challenge.  If they were both focused, they could have been contenders.

11. JJ and Simon: 

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Basically Napoleon Dynamite and Devyn from The Challenge.  Pass.  HARD pass.

12. Thomas and Hailey:

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I never saw their season, but my sister called them “feeble and wack”.  So, yeah.  That can’t be good.

13. Dustin and Jessica:

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The two worst and most annoying people on the challenge BY FAR.  F them both.  I pray to God they are eliminated first round.

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My draft breakdown:

I had the three pick, which was less than ideal.  To no one’s surprise, Bananas and Nany were the first two taken.  But instead of playing it safe with Wes, I went with my heart.  I love CT.  I love Diem.  I know Diem leaves at some point in the season.  But like I said, sometimes you have to draft with what you want to root for.  And I want to believe that CT took home a W in the name of Diem.  Plus, if they need to give him a new ex, they can say Laurel and CT once had a flirting fling.  And THAT would be the 2001 Miami Hurricanes.  So CT was my first pick.

The next round, I was blinded by my hatred for Wes and Theresa that I didn’t even look at them.  I went with Sarah, who is pretty decent and has a bunch of arm tattoos, which raises her toughness level to well above mine.  This was a mistake.

In the 3rd round, I went with Jonna.  Again, she is probably willing to do things to win the money that many of us (including some of these desperate SOBs) would never do.  Plus she has The Incredible Hulk on her team.  That should help slightly.

I literally picked Adam because his blurb on my sheet said “Maybe” which was better than anyone else’s blurb at that time.  It’s getting desperate.

Knight was my boy on his Real World season, so I went with him.  The long hair and Jemmye’s weight gain is a big red flag however.

Finally, I took Jenna with my last pick because she is hot.  That matters because:

1. It is fun to root for hot girls.

2. Guys like to keep hot girls in The Challenge house.

Again, sorry for the shorter blog for this season, but it just never felt right to get excited after all the crappy news we heard last month.  Here’s to another season of The Challenge.  Rest in peace, Diem and Knight.

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Simply put, Die Hard is the best movie of all-time.  It is also a Christmas movie.  So ipso facto, Die Hard is the best Christmas movie of all-time.  With less than 2 weeks until Saint Nick squeezes his fat ass down a billion chimneys, I figured it was the perfect time to put my Die Hard Power Rankings up on The Stool.

These rankings only apply to the first movie.  If you are ranking the actual movies, it goes 1,3,2 (while imagining that 4 and 5 never happened).  And comparing Die Hard to the Bond or Bourne movies is like comparing Mariano Rivera to Ruben Rivera.  No contest.  Anyway, here are the Definitive Die Hard Character Power Rankings.

 

25. Airplane Passenger

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This douchey know-it-all gives McClane some rock solid advice about “fists with your toes”.  If you have never tried “fists with your toes” after a long flight, you are a Grade-A boob.  I also kinda wish this guy took a bullet to the dome at some point of the movie.

 

24. Tony

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Gotta give Tony some serious props for being able to cut the phone wires before Karl comes in like a maniac and chainsaws everything.  Growing up with Karl must have been tough, since he is a legitimate fucking psycho.  Tony cannot be ranked higher because he is quickly outsmarted by McClane, has awful fashion sense, and dies like a pussy.  Plus he clearly has a baby dick based on the size of his shoes.

 

23. Eddie

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Eddie is a decent shooter with the midwestern charm and demeanor that makes Trent look mean and aggressive (which is basically impossible).

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22. Harvey Johnson

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Hey look!  It’s LA’s least favorite anchorman!  Harvey stands out as an arrogant jerk in a movie full of them.  I imagine he is a drinker, womanizer, and absentee parent.  If he was on TV today, there would definitely be a viral YouTube video of him dropping racist comments as the cameras were recording without his knowledge.

 

21. Paulina

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Ahhh, Paulina. Holly seems to love her, but she doesn’t put up much of a fight against Thornburg.  She lets that weasel and the news team in the house to interview/exploit the kids and puts their parents in danger.  That being said, she does get bonus points for likely being the inspiration for the Family Guy maid.

 

20. Gail Wallens

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When we are first introduced to the news team, we see how Gail keeps everything professional despite being surrounded by a small army of blowhards.  She also has awesome 80s hair and a pearl necklace.  Haha, pearl necklace.

 

19. Marco

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Hans’ ace skydiver comes in at this spot because of one scene that ages like a fine wine.  What an accent.  What a dose of irony.

 

18. Ginny

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The older you get, the more you respect Ginny.  She works her ass off on Christmas Eve for a soulless corporation and is looking to get boozy despite being 9 months pregnant.  She just reeks like a party girl single mom that wouldn’t make it 10 minutes as a Mets employee under Jeff Wilpon.

 

17. Agent Johnson

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Clearly the cooler-headed of the 2 Johnsons, we don’t hear much from him in the movie.  But his “I was in Junior High dickhead” line is phenomenal and he kinda looks like Carl Weathers in this picture, which has to count for something.

 

16. Lucy McClane

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Lucy is up this high for a few reasons.  She answers the phone like a professional.  She isn’t afraid to ask the tough questions (When are you coming home?  Is daddy coming home with you?).  And she has the cutest lisp in the history of cute lisps.

 

15. The Couple Banging During The Christmas Party

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Getting down during your company’s Christmas party is pretty damn ballsy in general, let alone when the party is in the office.  You know these two call #Mailtime regularly to bump nasties.  As for this chick’s boobs…

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14. Joseph Takagi

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A sophisticated, well-dressed man that ends up with a blowhole in the back of his head.  Literally the kind of boss that would die for his company’s well-being.  He definitely gives off that “pushy Asian dad” vibe, though.

 

13. Airplane Stewardess

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The “fuck me eyes” this little minx has for McClane almost throws the whole movie for a loop.  If he wasn’t going to see his kids, I guarantee he takes her and his giant stuffed bear back to a hotel and spends a lovely Christmas Eve yippee-ki-yay’ing all over her.  Hans robs the building, the hostages die, and the terrorists are on the beach earning 20% before anyone has a clue what happened.  That is how powerful this look is.  Resisting it may be the most impressive thing McClane does in the entire Die Hard series.

 

12. Uli

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Uli steals every scene he is in and makes the most out of every minute of screen time.  All that and A+ facial hair make him a first ballot inductee to the Bit Movie Character Hall Of Fame, along with Samuel L. Jackson in Jurassic Park, The Baby from Roger Rabbit, and John Candy in Home Alone.

 

11. Special Agent Johnson 

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Basically the prototype for every cigarette-smoking, blowhard government agent in future action movies.  Special Agent Johnson is the hardo’s hardo.  A Top 10 character in any other flick.

 

10. Richard Thornburg

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This is where the list gets really tough to chop down.  Thornburg is such a great sleezeball that he appears in Die Hard 2 and you are actually excited to see him.  As ruthless and cunning as a TMZ reporter, Big Dick Thornburg was ahead of his time.  But this isn’t even this actor’s best performance of a dickless asshole in an 80’s movie.

 

9. Dwayne T. Robinson

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Dwayne T. Robinson is to bumbling Deputy Police Chiefs what Special Agent Johnson is to FBI Agents.  Simply the prototype for all future movies to copy.  His chemistry with Powell could have lead to a fantastic black and white cop sitcom that would have killed it in the ratings.  The execs in Hollywood just don’t know a can’t miss when they see it.  He obviously was also the GOAT asshole authority figure in The Breakfast Club as well.

 

8. Argyle

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Argyle is the most likable character in the movie.  He cracks jokes, knows how to have fun while on the job, and would probably help you bury the body of a dead hooker if it meant he would get a better tip.  His achilles heel is that he has terrible awareness of what’s going on around him.  Busting through the gates of a parking garage after a hostile showdown with terrrorists was not the smartest thing in the world.  I do not understand why the LAPD didn’t open fire on his limo after he did that .  And while we are talking about it, why didn’t Argyle drive through that gate earlier in the movie?  And what if Theo wasn’t a terrorist?  Would ramming into his car and knocking him out been a smart move?  There are always more questions than answers when it comes to our buddy Argyle.  But since he is smooth as fuck, we are willing to overlook them.

 

7. Karl

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The biggest European movie badass this side of Ivan Drago, Karl is the real muscle behind the operation.  Hans is the planner, Theo is the brains, and Karl is the rabid dog off his leash after Tony gets killed.  The cat and mouse game with McClane keeps you on the edge of your seat for the entire movie.  Karl has incredible hair, shows great leadership, and survives an attempted hanging.  Let me say that again: HE SURVIVES AN ATTEMPTED HANGING!  Finally, Karl being a ballet dancer in real life is one of the biggest mind fucks you will ever experience.

 

6. Theo

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I think the reason I love Theo so much is because I see a lot of myself in him.  He is the smartest villain, the wittiest character in the movie, and has a silver tongue.  “Oh my God, the quarterback is toast” and the “Twas the night before Christmas” play by play are so fucking great. Theo is the 6th man of Die Hard.  He may not get the most minutes or the best stats, but the whole team/movie falls apart without him.

 

5. Holly

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This seems about right for the best estranged wife in the history of estranged wives.  This is the woman that was able to tame the bucking bronco known as John McClane.  That feat alone puts her in the Top 5.  I will deduct points for the whole maiden-name fiasco, regardless of the motivation behind it.  And despite her whole 80s get up, Holly looks fine as fuck at the end of the movie when she is covered in blood/sweat/sprinkler water.

 

4. Al Powell

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Al Powell is the kindest soul in Die Hard.  He buys Twinkies for his pregnant wife, ignores insults from convenience store clerks, and is always there for John.  Sure Powell mistakenly shot a kid once, but that was before social media, so all the mainstream media fuckheads probably ignored it.  We love you for who you are, Carl Winslow!

 

3. Harry Ellis

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A poor man’s Jordan Belfort, Ellis loves blow more than the 86 Mets.  He shamelessly goes after a married woman, cares way too much about self-image and brand names, and tries to buy/negotiate his way out of everything.  He is 1980s America all rolled into one glorious stereotype.  Somehow you love Ellis every minute he is on screen yet also cheer when he takes a bullet between the eyes.  There is something to be said for that type of versatility.

 

2. Hans Gruber

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And here he is folks, the greatest movie villain of all time.  Hans has an eye for fashion, an incredible bad guy voice, and is always one step ahead of the game.  He is ruthless, calculating, yet hilarious.  Hans Gruber was such a great character, that when they revealed that Simon was his brother in Die Hard 3, it made the movie roughly 100000 times better.   He is definitely in the Top 5 for best movie characters ever.  Substitute anyone else for Alan Rickman, and both Hans and McClane are not as nearly entertaining.  The only reason that Hans is not number one on this list is because his plan ultimately failed.

Underrated fact:  Hans Gruber’s last words were “Yippee Ki Yay, Motherfucker”, followed by a long, creepy laugh scene that will never get old.  Just hearing “Yippee Ki Yay, muddafuck” in Hans’ accent will always be funny.

 

1. John McClane 

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Not much needs to be said about John McClane.  If you read this much of the blog post, you already have a good idea how great John McClane is.  He is the coolest, funniest, toughest person ever. He is not only the best Die Hard character of all-time, but the best movie character of all-time and a true American hero.

 

Now hit his God damn music!

 

For those of you who missed it, the Punch Out theme was the given the one man Acapella treatment on Youtube this week.  Mike Tyson’s Punch Out is probably the best game in NES history (with the only other real option being Mario 3).  It has great gameplay, but the meat and potatoes of the game lies in the characters you come across.  Here is the definitive power rankings of Punch Out characters.  Rankings are in terms of entertainment value, not difficulty.

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14. Von Kaiser- Easily the worst opponent in the game.  Nothing exciting about this mamaluke at all.  Actually, he has a legit stache.  I will give him that.

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13. Mr. Sandman- Legit scary dude, but has no personality.  Loses points because he is from Philly. 

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12. Mario- Probably his most underrated appearance in any game, despite the fact he basically does nothing.  It looks like he packed on a few pounds after the success of Mario Bros.

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11. Little Mac- Not a very interesting or fun character, but plays the scrappy underdog well.  It’s actually pretty amazing that Punch Out is as good as it is with such a boring main character.  I forgot that Little Mac was only 17 years old in this game.  Maybe he just hasn’t hit his growth spurt yet?

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10. Piston Honda- Solid entrance music, good catch phrases (“I’ll give you a TKO from Tokyo” always made me laugh), and the Piston flurry was a decent signature move.  But he lacks the flair of the people in the Top 5.

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9. Soda Popinski- A drunk, commie bastard who has a laugh that nightmares are made of.  Changing his name from Vodka Drunkinski to Soda Popinski is too big of a wimpy PR move for him not to free fall down this list.  He does save some face however due to the fact that there is a bar in San Francisco named after him that has a drink wheel and an old school Nintendo system in the back.

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8. Glass Joe- Going 1-99 is pretty damn impressive, mainly because he took 99 ass-beatings and kept getting up.  Sneaky zing to the French having him hail from Paris.  I see what you did there, Nintendo.  Also, he gets bonus points for getting mentioned in an Ice Cube song.

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7. Bald Bull- Great name and great special move (The Bull Charge).  When talking about Punch Out, Bald Bull is usually one of the first opponents people you think of.  You fight him twice in the original and he is in Super Punch Out as well.  That has to count for something.  Also, he looks like he would smell terrible.


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6. Great Tiger- The Magic Punch dominated me when I was a youngster and the whole glowing jewel thing was fun.  He could have used another trick or so, but since the game came out 17 years ago, I’ll give him a pass.  If it came out that he killed that tiger himself, I would have to move him up the list even more.

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5. Doc- Clearly the brains of the operation, Doc coaches up a pip squeak nobody to take on some of the biggest monsters in boxing history.  When Clay Davis plays you in a commercial, you are making the Top 5.  It’s that easy.  Sheeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttt.  Plus the man can ride the hell out of a bike.

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4. Don Flamenco- Such a Nancy in this game, but his job is to piss you off.  The rose, the love quotes, the annoying defense; it’s all there to frustrate you.  I just learned today that he is only 23 years old, which for some reason crushes my soul.

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3. Super Macho Man- The guy comes out shaking his tatas at you right off the bat and has the second most lethal punch in the game (the spinning punch).  Arrogant as the day is long and one of the best 2nd banana bosses in video game history.  Both Super Macho Man and Mike Tyson are somehow undefeated in this game.  How does that even happen?  Was Tyson ducking Macho Man a la Mayweather/Pacquiao?  Or was it like a Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali two champions kind of thing?  One of the great unanswered questions of my youth.

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2. Mike Tyson- I wonder which Mike Tyson got more street cred back in the day, Real Life Tyson or Punch Out Tyson?  Even though Real Life Tyson was a dominant champion and could literally knock you out, Punch Out Tyson may be the most bad ass video game character ever.  Yes, this includes Tecmo Bo, Madden Vick, and even Hitler.  As dominant as Kid Dynamite was, he isn’t number 1.  That’s because number 1 goes to…

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1. King Hippo- This big SOB comes in hopping and jawing right off the bat.  He is also royalty and other than 1 legit weakness, is impossible to beat.  King Hippo is basically the Achilles of Punch Out and I won’t hear anything different.  The best character in the entire game.  All Hail The King.

Ooh, kill’em Mac.

I have been on the Bruno Mars bandwagon for years.  I used to call him the crooner of our generation, but I think he has evolved into more than that.  Instead, it appears he has a chance to be the best entertainer of the current era, a la James Brown, Michael Jackson, Prince, Justin Timberlake, etc.  Now that he has acquired countless fans after dominating the Super Bowl Halftime Show, I have decided to put together a list of his best songs.  These opinions are my own, but they are also the right opinions.

Honorable Mentions:

Count on Me: A fun, happy song that has a Hawaiian vibe to it.  It reminds me of Israel Kamakawiwo’ole’s rendition of Somewhere Over The Rainbow.

Young Girls: Shorties break hearts and crooners sing about broken hearts.  Pretty solid start to his latest album, Unorthodox Jukebox

The Lazy Song: It is what it is:  A quirky way to explain a lazy day.  Some funny references in there.  But not Top 10 material.

Grenade: In all honesty, I’ve never been a big fan.  Granted it was a number 1 hit, but I don’t truly dig it.

10. Runaway Baby: If I made this list a week ago, this would have been in the honorable mentions list.  But after dominating the Halftime Show with this song, it bumped its way into the Top 10.

9. Natalie: Fiery song that is the “Hit’em Up” for scorned pop stars.  Every Natalie I have ever met was a great girl.  This one must have done a number on our boy Bruno.

8. Marry You: Any song that calls alcohol “dancing juice” and jokingly refers to getting married as “something dumb to do” is cool with me.  Bonus points for being in one of my favorite Youtube videos.

7. It Will Rain: Solid song that was never overplayed.  However, it loses points for being on the Breaking Dawn soundtrack.

6. Money Make Her Smile: A legit strip club banger.  I hope this one is going viral in gentlemen clubs around the world right now.

5.  Treasure: Definitely a little bit of 1970s Michael Jackson in this song.  LOVE the retro feel of this video and the dance moves of the best background band on the planet.

4. Gorilla: Please do not listen to this song around mixed company unless you are looking to conceive.  Straight up baby making music.

3. Just The Way You Are: Simply a great song that should be sang to that special someone.  Bruno hits all the notes here.

2. Locked Out of Heaven: If this song doesn’t get you jacked up, you are dead or have no soul (in both the living and musical sense).  Add in the live Victoria’s Secret Show performance, and you have a winner.

1. When I Was Your Man: Easy decision since this is not only Bruno’s best song, but the best song ever.  The only negative part of the song is having to hear the immense pain in his voice every time it is played.

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Die Hard is the best all-around movie of all time.  It has action, comedy, drama, romance, and anything else you would want in a great film.  It is the characters that make it a classic, so I have taken it upon myself to rank the Top 25 Die Hard characters.  These rankings only apply to the first movie.  And if you are ranking the movies, it goes 1,3,2 and we imagine that 4 and 5 never happened.  Anyway, here is the Definitive Die Hard Character Power Rankings.

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25. Airplane Passenger: This guy makes the most out of his time on screen.  He gives McClane some rock solid advice about “fists with your toes”.  By the expression on McClane’s face, it works.  This guy seems like kind of a know-it-all but McClane puts him in his place by the end of the scene.

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24: Airplane Stewardess:  This look that she gives McClane almost throws the whole movie for a loop.  If he wasn’t going to see his kids, I guarantee he takes her and his giant stuffed bear back to a hotel and spends a lovely Christmas Eve with his new friend.  Hans robs the building, the hostages die, and the terrorists are on the beach earning 20% before anyone has a clue what happened.  That is how powerful this look is.  Kudos to McClane for staying focused.

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23: The Couple Having “Relations” During The Christmas Party: Getting down during your company’s Christmas party is pretty damn ballsy, but I have to give these two credit for pulling it off.  They help McClane escape by creating a slight diversion.  So hats off to these two freaks, you made the list.

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22. Tony: Gotta give Tony some serious props for being able to cut the phone wires before Karl comes in like a maniac and chainsaws everything.  Growing up with Karl must have been tough, since he is a legitimate psycho.  Tony can’t be ranked higher however since he is quickly outsmarted by McClane, has awful fashion sense, and dies the wimpiest death in the movie.  The “Now I Have A Machine Gun Ho-Ho-Ho” shirt is fantastic, but that is a McClane creation.

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21. Eddie: Hans knew what he was doing when he chose Eddie to be his fake security guard.  The guy can put on a friendly face with a midwestern twang that would make any cop feel like everything is under control.  He also is a decent shot when the SWAT team tries to break in through the front doors.  I am still not sure how he bet on a USC/Notre Dame game on Christmas Eve, however.

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20. Harvey Johnson:  Hey, look!  It’s LA’s least favorite anchorman!  Harvey stands out as an arrogant jerk in a movie full of them.  I imagine he is a drinker, womanizer, and absentee parent.  If anyone can prove differently, please let me know.  He made the list just due to comedic value whenever he screws up.

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19. Paulina:  Ahhh, Paulina.  She seems to have the house in decent order, prepares the guest room for John despite not being asked to do so, and even Holly doesn’t know what she would do without her  However, despite putting up a decent fight against Thornburg (who we will get to later), she lets that weasel and the news team in the house to interview/exploit the kids and puts their parents in danger.  Green card or no green card, she needs to keep people out of that casa no matter what.

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18. Gail Wallens: When we are first introduced to the news team, we see how many blowhards Gail seemingly has to deal with on a daily basis.  She is able to save the greeting to the newscast after Harvey bones the opening and clearly has to pick up the slack on the news broadcast from her foolish co-anchor.  Awesome 80s hair in this pic, too.

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17. Marco: Hans’ ace skydiver comes in here because of one scene and one scene only.  This scene ages like a fine wine, getting funnier every time you watch it.  Add in that he was the one that was thrown onto Powell’s car, and he had to be on the countdown.

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16. Ginny: The older you get, the more you respect Ginny.  She continues to work her butt off after the holiday party begins, is 9 months pregnant during the entire ordeal, and seems to hold it together the whole time.  I hope she got a serious promotion after the movie ended.  Maybe bump Holly up to Takagi’s position and Ginny up to Holly’s old job.

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15. Lucy McClane:  Lucy is on this list for a few reasons.  She answers the phone like a professional.  I don’t know many adults whose phone manners are that polished.  She isn’t afraid to ask the tough questions (When are you coming home?  Is daddy coming home with you?), and the cutest lisp in the world.  Little Lucy really capitalizes on every second of screen time.

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14. Uli: Usually people refer to our friend Uli as the Asian guy who stole the candy bars.  He also stole that scene from the movie and his Fu Manchu from the facial hair Gods.  The face he makes when McClane shoots him is awkwardly entertaining to me as well, which admittedly gives him a boost.

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13. Agent Johnson: Clearly the cooler-headed of the 2 Johnsons, he seems cool and calculated.  We don’t hear much from him and know even less about him (except that he was in Junior High during the Fall of Saigon).  He kinda looks like Carl Weathers in this picture, which has to count for something.

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12. Joseph Takagi: Sharply dressed, well-liked, and mild-mannered are all fair descriptions of Takagi.  He seems like a pretty good boss who goes out of his way to make sure his employees are taken care of.  Unfortunately for him, he also has to take one for the team (in the form of a bullet through the head).  RIP, Joe-Joe.

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11. Special Agent Johnson:  Took the stereotypical A-Hole FBI Agent role to another level.  The cigarette smoking, the threat of US Government action, and the over-the-top quote (just like Saigon, eh slick) are delivered perfectly.  He is played like a fiddle by Hans, who actually needed him there so he could shut down the power and break the electromagnetic lock.  In many other movies, he easily makes the Top-10.

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10. Richard Thornburg: This is where the list gets really tough to chop down.  Thornburg is such a great sleezeball that he appears in Die Hard 2 and you are actually excited to see him.  Looking back now, this movie really did a good hatchet job on the careers of newscasters.  And the news business has only seemingly gotten worse since this movie was released.  But I digress.  Richard Thornburg is a great secondary villain in the sense that he will do whatever he can to advance his career.  He is quite a memorable character, despite not getting as much screen time as I remember him getting as a child.  After seeing him play an even bigger jerk in another 80s classic, he has impossible standards to live up to.

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9. Dwayne T. Robinson: Yet ANOTHER arrogant authority figure who everyone loves to hate.  I have a little more affection in my heart for Dwayne because he just seems goofier than some of the other people on this list.  When you see McClane chew him out on the radio, it’s hard to really hate the guy.  Like Thornburg, this actor had a better performance in another 80s cult movie , which hurts his ranking here.

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8. Argyle: Maybe the most likable character in the movie, Argyle cracks jokes, knows how to have fun while on the job, and takes care of his clients.  His achilles heel is that he has terrible awareness of what’s going on around him.  And as much as I love “Skeletons” by Steve Wonder, he listens to it nonstop.  Literally almost every time they show Argyle waiting for McClane in the parking garage, the song is playing.  Also, busting through the gates after a hostage takeover is not the smartest thing in the world.  After having Karl come out of the building ready to kill McClane, I do not understand why the LAPD didn’t open fire on the “renegade limousine” that popped out of nowhere.  Lastly, why didn’t Argyle drive through that gate earlier in the movie?  And what if Theo wasn’t a terrorist?  Would driving into his car and knocking him out been a smart move?  There are always more questions than answers with our buddy Argyle.  But his personality allows us to overlook most of them.

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7. Karl: The biggest European badass this side of Ivan Drago, Karl is the real muscle behind the operation.  Hans is the planner, Theo is the brains, Karl is the rabid dog off his leash after Tony gets killed.  The cat and mouse game with McClane keeps you on the edge of your seat the entire movie.  Karl has incredible hair, shows great leadership, and survives an attempted hanging.  Let me say that again: HE SURVIVED AN ATTEMPTED HANGING!  Add in the incredible random fact that he is a graceful ballet dancer in real life and you get some respect on this list.  The only real downside to Karl is that he doesn’t really have much a personality.  Die Hard is filled to the brim with characters that have tremendous personalities.  Karl’s just isn’t good enough to be ranked higher.

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6. Theo:  I think the reason I love Theo so much is because I see a lot of myself in him.  He is the smartest terrorist, the wittiest of the character in the movie, and can portray everything so smoothly with his silver tongue.  Theo is like the 6th man for a basketball team.  He doesn’t get the most minutes or the best stats, but he is almost as important as anyone else.  His entertainment value is great, with one liners left and right.  He can carry a tune as he destroys a computer and hacks his way into the building’s security system.  The “Twas the night before Christmas” line is great.  Theo’s two biggest flaws are his lack of screen time and whimper when Argyle knocks him out.  For those reasons, I cannot have him in my Top-5.  But he is definitely one of the best movie “bit characters” ever.

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5. Holly: This seems about right for the best estranged wife in the history of estranged wives.  From the jump, we are able to tell that Holly is smart, driven, and kind.  She treats her co-workers, family, and nanny all very well.  And even though her looks screams “80’s”, she still is a minx on the screen.  This is the same woman that was once able to tame the bucking bronco known as John McClane.  That feat alone is extremely impressive.  I will deduct a point for the whole maiden-name fiasco, regardless of the motivation behind it.  Like they say, sometimes you don’t know what you have in life until it’s killing a handful of terrorists for you.

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4. Al Powell:  When push comes to shove, Al Powell probably is the kindest soul in the entire movie.  In just his first scene, he sings Christmas carols while food shopping for his pregnant wife, ignores a few insults from the ampm clerk, and donates money in the charity jar.  He is John’s saving grace, sounding board, and biggest fan.  Al has to deal with bumbling fools left and right, whether it’s Dwayne Robinson, the FBI, or any of the other inept officers along the way.  I like Al so much that the only parts of Die Hard 2 I enjoy are when he is on the screen.  Die Hard is a movie about redemption.  Good triumphs over evil and the McClanes get back together.  But Powell being able to redeem himself from his accident may be the most heartwarming redemption of all.  We love you, Carl Winslow!

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3. Harry Ellis: American and capitalist arrogance in human form.  Ellis makes it to number 3 on this list with a bullet (no pun intended.  Well, kinda).  He is character that you love to watch in movies but would hate to meet in real life.  He is clearly going after a married woman in Holly, has a super-inflated ego, and hits the powder like the 86 Mets.  I imagine Jordan Belfort was inspired by Harry Ellis as he evolved into the Wolf of Wall Street.  It is very strange that while I love Ellis as a character, I also love when he gets killed.  For all the fellow Ellis fans, here is a Youtube tribute to him.

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2. Hans Gruber: And here he is folks, the greatest movie villain of all time.  Hans has an eye for fashion, an incredible voice for a villain, and is always one step ahead of the game.  Anything nice I have said about the other terrorists double for Hans.  He is ruthless, calculating, yet still humorous.  Hans was such a great character, that they brought back his brother for Die Hard 3 and it made the movie significantly better.   He is probably in the  Top-5 for best movie character ever.  Substitute anyone else for Alan Rickman, and both Hans and McClane are not as entertaining.  The only reason that Hans is not number one because his plan ultimately failed.

Underrated fact:  Hans Gruber’s last words were “Yippee Ki Yay, Motherfucker”, followed by a long, creepy laugh scene that will never get old.  Just hearing “Yippee Ki Yay, muddafuck” in Hans’  accent will always be funny.


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1. John McClane: Not much needs to be said about John McClane.  If you read this much of the blog post, you already have a good idea how awesome John McClane is.  He is funny, he is smart, and he is a tough SOB.  This character keeps on trucking and has inspired countless rip-offs.  He keeps the mood light throughout  and has the greatest catchphrase in movie history.  He is not only the best Die Hard character ever, but the best movie character ever.

Disgree with the rankings?  Are there any egregious snubs?  Let me know in the comments section below.  If not, simply enjoy the incredible Die Hard music video by Guyz Nite.