Of Course A Man Caught A Three-Eyed Fish In Brooklyn

Eyewitness News– Video from an Eyewitness News viewer shows what appears to be a three-eyed catfish that was captured in the Gowanus Canal in Brooklyn. Greg Hunter, who shot the video, said a bunch of people crowded around the man who caught it.

“Some lady was flipping out cause he wacked it dead and she said they were trying to preserve the remaining wildlife there or something,” said Hunter in an email. “It was a crazy scene.” According to Hunter, the fisherman who caught it said he was planning to eat it.

 

Ahhh, New York City. The city so nice they have fish growing extra eyes like a character from the goddamn Simpsons. I guess paying a shit ton of rent for a shoebox apartment in a city full of pests doesn’t get you what it used to.  And how about this goddamn guy planning to eat the fish?  Such a New York move.  We are able to put the smelly homeless people and overcrowded trains out of our mind as long as we can get some moments of peace fishing out of the Gowanus Canal and eat some sort of mutant animal with our family.  I ❤ NY.

 

P.S. That better not be one of those googly eyes from arts & crafts class glued to a fish.  That would be the meanest Internet hoax ever.  Killing a fish and gluing a googly eye to it’s head is pure evil.

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If You Aren’t Going To Invest In My #hashtag Restaurant, I Present (The Fittingly Named) Plan B: Leftovers

Million $ idea: A bar/restaurant named “Leftovers”. You bring your leftovers. Can share/trade with people around you. Low overhead/inventory

— Clem (@TheClemReport) June 30, 2014

There you go, world.  The latest and greatest idea I have come up with using my large man brain.  If for some crazy reason I did not sell you on #hashtag, I think I probably roped you in with Leftovers.  A lot of time you have leftovers in your refrigerator that you have to eat, but you want to go out and still enjoy a night out.  No worries, just go to that lovely little restaurant Leftovers down the street and they will heat up your food, show you their alcohol menu, and give you another night of food and enjoyment from last night’s dinner.

But what’s this?  Someone else is at the restaurant with their leftovers and would like to swap some of their food for some of your food, like the good old days in the elementary school cafeteria?  No problem, we can accompany that request.  All we need are basic kitchen and restaurant materials, without any of the food.  Is this a perfect idea?  No.  It is THE perfect idea.

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Searching For A Million Dollar Restaurant Idea? Look No Further. I Present #hashtag

Are you a chef that can cook but needs an original idea to market and build your restaurant around?  I present the new, hot restaurant: #hashtag.  Every item on the menu is a #hashtag.  When your customers inevitably share pictures of their food on Instagram, they will simply #hashtag the item they are taking a picture of.  Whatever item trends for the week will become a special next week.  We will be plugged into the social media pipeline in the restaurant world.  As social media grows and changes, we evolve with it.

So I am internet copyrighting this right now.  If anyone else has used this idea, they Inceptioned me to release this idea at a later date so it looks like they came up with it first.  Do not be fooled, this is my idea.  Now come forward faceless chef with the culinary skills and financial backers to get this started.  Lets make millions together.

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Miami Crime Stopper Eats Paper Tip To Keep Tipper Anonymous. Now A Hero In My Book

Local10.com-   The director of Miami-Dade Crime Stoppers was sentenced to 14 days in jail Friday on a contempt of court charge.  Richard Masten was sentenced after he refused to turn over all reports pertaining to an anonymous tip.  Masten appeared before Judge Victoria Brennan and said he was not willing to risk allowing a judge to determine whether any tip information should be disclosed.  “The issue is the court asking Crime Stoppers to go back on their promise,” Masten told the judge.  Then Masten tore up the tip, stuffed the paper in his mouth and swallowed it.  “I think you’re client’s very passionate,” Brennan told Masten’s attorney. “But I think sometimes passion can cloud judgment.”  Masten, a former police chief in Miami Shores, has been director of Miami-Dade Crime Stoppers since 2008.  “We promised the people that give us information to solve murders, serious violent crimes in this community, that they can call us with an assurance that they will remain anonymous,” Masten told Local 10.  A judge stayed the sentence until next week, leaving Masten to digest his fate for a few more days.  “I was afraid that I was going to be taken into custody and (the paper) would be part of the property and there it goes, so I had a little lunch,” Masten said, adding that it tasted “pretty dry.”

Wow, straight up power move by this dude.  One thing is to rip up the paper, burn it, or never let it see the light of day.  Nope, he goes 2nd grader on the judge and eats the paper right in front of her eyes.  I am surprised he didn’t tell her he could give her the tip in a few hours if he had his daily intake of fiber.  Any time you have a chance to act like Mac from Always Sunny in real life, you have to do it.

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The Little Things In Life

 

With the winter weather beating me into submission, I have decided to try to focus on the positive.  So here is a quick list of the underrated great things that can brighten up a day.

Getting Straight Edge Shave At The Barber:  At the end of a haircut, my barber will get some warm shaving cream out of the machine and spread it around my neck.  Then he takes an old-school straight edge razor and shapes up the ol’ neckline.  This almost trumps the rest of the haircut combined.  I feel like I usually get this done at the Italian barbershops near me in Westchester.  Is this a country wide thing or just a local custom?  Also, I’m not sure if I should enjoy the action of a man putting warm shaving cream on me and shaving my neck as much as I do.

Bagel Onion Surprise: I love eating a bagel and getting that random bit of onion inside.  It throws off the whole flavor for a minute, but it wakes me up and I enjoy it.  I will admit I hated it as a child, but I guess this is all part of growing up.  Maybe you aren’t a man until you enjoy that hint of onion.  I may even consider this a Rite of Passage.  A similar scenario to this is ordering regular french fries and getting a rogue curly fry with the rest of your regular fries.  Just something small to break up the monotony.

Bag Fries:  Speaking of fries, having extra “bag fries” at the bottom of a fast food bag feels like found money every single time.  Maybe that’s why I love Five Guys so much.  They load up a tiny cup with fries and then load up the paper bag around the cup with fries as well.  Taking a good thing and making it great.  In related news, I am definitely having Five Guys for dinner tonight.  And maybe a bagel tomorrow morning.

Dice With Buddies: Despite being a board game connoisseur, I never played Yahtzee growing up.  Dice With Buddies is to Yahtzee what Words With Friends is to Scrabble.  The best part about the app is that it is quick to play and requires minimal thinking.  That type of gameplay is golden this day and age.  If you are interested in trying it, check it out here.

Messages app: I just purchased my first Mac and I am constantly learning new things about it.  One of those things is the Messages app.  Any message that is sent to my iPhone from an iOS device will pop up in this app and vice versa.  So I can basically use my computer to text my friends and family.  Not having to check your phone while your on the computer is strangely liberating and being able to write a long message without typing on a touch screen is much appreciated.

Lousy Smarch Weather

Break out your tiny violins everyone, I am going to formally complain about the weather.  It took two absurd electric bills, three deep freezes, and countless inches of shoveled snow but your pal Clem officially hates this winter with every inch of his being (and that’s a lot).  My car is constantly dirty, my house is filled with salt/sand from the street, and just leaving the house is a chore.  I am sick of seeing my breath and my nipples the minute I step outside.  To top it off, we now we have a winter storm named Titan heading towards us, which has to be the most badass storm name ever.  So long story short, screw you Old Man Winter and everyone living in warm climates.  When the hell is baseball season going to get here?

P.S.- Was the point of this blog just to put a picture of the Smarch calendar up?  I plead the fifth.

P.P.S.- Did I add that P.S. just to sneak in a classic Chappelle line?  Yup.

Go To Your Happy Place

So it turns out the Polar Vortex just took a few days off before laying the smack back down with snow and single digit temperatures.  Here a few songs/videos/etc. to get you through this cold snap depression.

First some links:

1. Who doesn’t love a Puppy Cam?
2. The Perry Bible Fellowship.  A hilarious, if not unique (and not at all religious) web comic.
3. If neither of those worked, check out the “Jump In The Line” Pandora radio station.  Nothing but happy songs over there.

And now a whole bunch of Youtube videos.  Stay warm, everyone!

If by some chance you are Happy Gilmore, here you go:

Popping My Coffee Bean

For the first 30.5 years of my life, I actively avoided coffee.  The main reasons were:

1.  I didn’t think that I needed the extra boost of energy
2. I didn’t want to drink something that people said was very addictive
3. No matter how much milk and sugar I added, it never tasted good

Whether it was mental, my hellish commute, or just getting old, Reason 1 went out the window.  I would be exhausted all morning long and tried to figure out what I could do to get a boost.  I do not like energy drinks enough to have them in the morning and I am not a fan of tea.  Reason 2 was no longer an issue once I decided I’d rather be an addict but awake instead of free and tired.  Reason 3 was the only thing stopping me from giving coffee one last real shot.

One day my wife (also a former coffee holdout) decided to make me a cup with some creamer her parents had left at our house the day before.  From the first sip, I loved it all.  The warmth of the liquid, the sweet after taste, and of course the caffeine.  The glorious, glorious caffeine.  I now understand why people always need their coffee in the morning in order to function or crack a smile.  The feeling of a good coffee high is about equal to having star power in Mario Bros.  You work faster than usual, can accomplish tasks that you seemingly couldn’t do earlier, and you feel like you are a God that can do almost anything.  If I had known this was the feeling coffee could give me, I would have found a way to make it taste better years ago.  Now I can semi function with some milk or sugar, but it still needs to be a somewhat light and sweet for me.  Creamer is still my favorite though, especially with the wide array of flavors out there.  I stick with french vanilla for the most part, but occasionally will dabble into the exotic section.  I now love a good cup of coffe, but  also realize that I am addicted to this black gold.  At least I will be an addict who is awake.

My Thoughts on Politics (And The Government Shutdown)

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a pretty reasonable, level-headed guy who can usually see both sides of an argument.  I like to think I see the same way when it comes to political issues, even though I am usually further than arms length from many issues that arise.  For example, my wife and I currently just had to go to CNN.com to read up on what the government shutdown is all about.  So while I can usually see both sides of a political argument, it doesn’t mean that I necessarily agree with either side.  Here are my thoughts on the shutdown.  I hate politics in all aspect of life.  I realize that they are an evil due to the way this world works, but I hate them.  I have avoided doing things in life that would involve getting involved in a political game just because I do not want to play these games.  One of my least favorite parts of my corporate jobs have been the political butt kissing that goes on both during and after office hours.  I guess that’s why I love Ned Stark so much.  His stance always has been to be say what you mean and believe and don’t backbite.  But again, this unfortunately is not the way the world works.  The quickest way to get ahead in many aspects of life is to throw on your knee pads and go to town on the highest superior you can find.  That will never be me for better or worse.  Given the way I live, I think I will be fine with that decision, but I understand those who would rather live on their knees than die on their feet.  To each their own.  Anyway, on to actual politicians.

I do believe that there are politicians in this world who truly have people’s best interests at heart and believe they are doing things for the truly right reasons.  But I also think the people with the least amount of corruption are those with the least amount of power.  To move up in the political game requires making tough decisions and alliances that can go against everything you believe in, or so far towards something you believe in that you lose a part of your soul.  I do not think that any professional politician truly has the good of the public in their hearts 100% with every decision.  It is nice to think that they do, but all of their decisions end up being for personal benefit and their own selfish interests, whether it is direct or indirect.  In some ways, you cannot blame these people because it is “All in the game”.  But when I say things like “all politicians are crooked and I will never trust any of them”, that is the basis of my statement.  Whether or not the reasons for the shutdown are valid, at least part of all of this is posturing by both sides.  This affects many, many lives and the burden will only continue to grow.  While the root of the shutdown may be legitimate, I am sure there is a myriad of personal, selfish reasons why it is continuing.  I think it is an absolute joke and EVERY SINGLE person involved in it from every side should be ashamed of themselves.  They are all crooks in my book and will remain that way until they all prove me wrong.  I will not be holding my breath for that though.

I sincerely hope and believe this will be the only time I discuss politics on this blog.  I like the much, much simpler things in life like sharing my thoughts on sports, food, electronics, and different media.  The quickest way to get unfollowed by me is to talk about politics on your social media soap box.  So I hope you could at least see my point of view and know why I will do everything in my power to avoid any poltics talk on this blog for as long as I write it.  Thanks for reading!