Posts Tagged ‘random thoughts’


Eyewitness News Video from an Eyewitness News viewer shows what appears to be a three-eyed catfish that was captured in the Gowanus Canal in Brooklyn. Greg Hunter, who shot the video, said a bunch of people crowded around the man who caught it.

“Some lady was flipping out cause he wacked it dead and she said they were trying to preserve the remaining wildlife there or something,” said Hunter in an email. “It was a crazy scene.” According to Hunter, the fisherman who caught it said he was planning to eat it.


Ahhh, New York City. The city so nice they have fish growing extra eyes like a character from the goddamn Simpsons. I guess paying a shit ton of rent for a shoebox apartment in a city full of pests doesn’t get you what it used to.  And how about this goddamn guy planning to eat the fish?  Such a New York move.  We are able to put the smelly homeless people and overcrowded trains out of our mind as long as we can get some moments of peace fishing out of the Gowanus Canal and eat some sort of mutant animal with our family.  I ❤ NY.


P.S. That better not be one of those googly eyes from arts & crafts class glued to a fish.  That would be the meanest Internet hoax ever.  Killing a fish and gluing a googly eye to it’s head is pure evil.

There you go, world.  The latest and greatest idea I have come up with using my large man brain.  If for some crazy reason I did not sell you on #hashtag, I think I probably roped you in with Leftovers.  A lot of time you have leftovers in your refrigerator that you have to eat, but you want to go out and still enjoy a night out.  No worries, just go to that lovely little restaurant Leftovers down the street and they will heat up your food, show you their alcohol menu, and give you another night of food and enjoyment from last night’s dinner.

But what’s this?  Someone else is at the restaurant with their leftovers and would like to swap some of their food for some of your food, like the good old days in the elementary school cafeteria?  No problem, we can accompany that request.  All we need are basic kitchen and restaurant materials, without any of the food.  Is this a perfect idea?  No.  It is THE perfect idea.




Are you a chef that can cook but needs an original idea to market and build your restaurant around?  I present the new, hot restaurant: #hashtag.  Every item on the menu is a #hashtag.  When your customers inevitably share pictures of their food on Instagram, they will simply #hashtag the item they are taking a picture of.  Whatever item trends for the week will become a special next week.  We will be plugged into the social media pipeline in the restaurant world.  As social media grows and changes, we evolve with it.

So I am internet copyrighting this right now.  If anyone else has used this idea, they Inceptioned me to release this idea at a later date so it looks like they came up with it first.  Do not be fooled, this is my idea.  Now come forward faceless chef with the culinary skills and financial backers to get this started.  Lets make millions together.   The director of Miami-Dade Crime Stoppers was sentenced to 14 days in jail Friday on a contempt of court charge.  Richard Masten was sentenced after he refused to turn over all reports pertaining to an anonymous tip.  Masten appeared before Judge Victoria Brennan and said he was not willing to risk allowing a judge to determine whether any tip information should be disclosed.  “The issue is the court asking Crime Stoppers to go back on their promise,” Masten told the judge.  Then Masten tore up the tip, stuffed the paper in his mouth and swallowed it.  “I think you’re client’s very passionate,” Brennan told Masten’s attorney. “But I think sometimes passion can cloud judgment.”  Masten, a former police chief in Miami Shores, has been director of Miami-Dade Crime Stoppers since 2008.  “We promised the people that give us information to solve murders, serious violent crimes in this community, that they can call us with an assurance that they will remain anonymous,” Masten told Local 10.  A judge stayed the sentence until next week, leaving Masten to digest his fate for a few more days.  “I was afraid that I was going to be taken into custody and (the paper) would be part of the property and there it goes, so I had a little lunch,” Masten said, adding that it tasted “pretty dry.”

Wow, straight up power move by this dude.  One thing is to rip up the paper, burn it, or never let it see the light of day.  Nope, he goes 2nd grader on the judge and eats the paper right in front of her eyes.  I am surprised he didn’t tell her he could give her the tip in a few hours if he had his daily intake of fiber.  Any time you have a chance to act like Mac from Always Sunny in real life, you have to do it.



With the winter weather beating me into submission, I have decided to try to focus on the positive.  So here is a quick list of the underrated great things that can brighten up a day.


Getting Straight Edge Shave At The Barber:  At the end of a haircut, my barber will get some warm shaving cream out of the machine and spread it around my neck.  Then he takes an old-school straight edge razor and shapes up the ol’ neckline.  This almost trumps the rest of the haircut combined.  I feel like I usually get this done at the Italian barbershops near me in Westchester.  Is this a country wide thing or just a local custom?  Also, I’m not sure if I should enjoy the action of a man putting warm shaving cream on me and shaving my neck as much as I do.


Bagel Onion Surprise: I love eating a bagel and getting that random bit of onion inside.  It throws off the whole flavor for a minute, but it wakes me up and I enjoy it.  I will admit I hated it as a child, but I guess this is all part of growing up.  Maybe you aren’t a man until you enjoy that hint of onion.  I may even consider this a Rite of Passage.  A similar scenario to this is ordering regular french fries and getting a rogue curly fry with the rest of your regular fries.  Just something small to break up the monotony.


Bag Fries:  Speaking of fries, having extra “bag fries” at the bottom of a fast food bag feels like found money every single time.  Maybe that’s why I love Five Guys so much.  They load up a tiny cup with fries and then load up the paper bag around the cup with fries as well.  Taking a good thing and making it great.  In related news, I am definitely having Five Guys for dinner tonight.  And maybe a bagel tomorrow morning.


Dice With Buddies: Despite being a board game connoisseur, I never played Yahtzee growing up.  Dice With Buddies is to Yahtzee what Words With Friends is to Scrabble.  The best part about the app is that it is quick to play and requires minimal thinking.  That type of gameplay is golden this day and age.  If you are interested in trying it, check it out here.


Messages app: I just purchased my first Mac and I am constantly learning new things about it.  One of those things is the Messages app.  Any message that is sent to my iPhone from an iOS device will pop up in this app and vice versa.  So I can basically use my computer to text my friends and family.  Not having to check your phone while your on the computer is strangely liberating and being able to write a long message without typing on a touch screen is much appreciated.

Break out your tiny violins everyone, I am going to formally complain about the weather.  It took two absurd electric bills, three deep freezes, and countless inches of shoveled snow but your pal Clem officially hates this winter with every inch of his being (and that’s a lot).  My car is constantly dirty, my house is filled with salt/sand from the street, and just leaving the house is a chore.  I am sick of seeing my breath and my nipples the minute I step outside.  To top it off, we now we have a winter storm named Titan heading towards us, which has to be the most badass storm name ever.  So long story short, screw you Old Man Winter and everyone living in warm climates.  When the hell is baseball season going to get here?

P.S.- Was the point of this blog just to put a picture of the Smarch calendar up?  I plead the fifth.


P.P.S.- Did I add that P.S. just to sneak in a classic Chappelle line?  Yup.

So it turns out the Polar Vortex just took a few days off before laying the smack back down with snow and single digit temperatures.  Here a few songs/videos/etc. to get you through this cold snap depression.

First some links:

  1. Who doesn’t love a Puppy Cam?
  2. The Perry Bible Fellowship.  A hilarious, if not unique (and not at all religious) web comic.
  3. If neither of those worked, check out the “Jump In The Line” Pandora radio station.  Nothing but happy songs over there.

And now a whole bunch of Youtube videos.  Stay warm, everyone!

If by some chance you are Happy Gilmore, here you go: