Posts Tagged ‘review’


Rating: 7.2/10.  You can kinda taste the nacho cheese flavor, but you still need more.  The Doritos Locos Tacos at Taco Bell give you plenty of flavor but also loads your fingers up with cheese dust.  The Old El Paso taco shells don’t mess up your fingers, but they just aren’t cheesy enough.  When you add in that these shells taste like Bravos (AKA welfare Doritos), I had to give them a barely passing grade.  

However, these shells and Old El Paso in general gets extra credit for inventing the Stand ‘n Stuff Shells a few years ago.  We put a man on the moon before we had taco shells that were (relatively) easy to fill.  That being said, the shells need to be wider so they don’t break.  I had 4 broken shells when I opened the package.  An uttah, uttah disgrace (Mike Francesa voice).  Long story short, the king (Doritos Locos Tacos) stay the king.  

Would I spend a couple extra pennies to get the cheese shells?  Yes.  They aren’t great, but they are better than plain corn shells.



Citrus Slush

Rating: 7.75/10. Not 100% orange flavor, but still mostly orange.  You can live with this being the low flavor on the totem pole.

Blue Raspberry Rush

Rating: 5.75/10. Blue raspberry is the most overrated flavor in the history of flavors, with green apple finishing a close 2nd.  This flavor throws off the entire chemistry of the pack.  It is the opposite of the rug that ties the room together in The Big Lebowski. 

Strawberry Lemonade Chill

Rating: 8.8/10. Full disclosure: I love the living shit out of strawberry lemonade drinks.  If it is on a menu at a restaurant, it is going down my gullet.  Starburst nailed the flavor, too.  Good work, faceless flavor scientist being paid to give America diabetes.

Cherry Splash

Rating: 9.2/10. I constantly waver between Strawberry and Cherry for what the best Starburst flavor is.  Strawberry is more subtle and tasty, while cherry brings the heat.  So the Starburst people go by the tried and true Keep It Simple Stupid mantra here.  So Cherry splash tastes like a regular cherry Starburst with a little extra flavor (like Santa Coke, which I am convinced has extra syrup compared to regular Coke).

Overall Pack

Rating: 7.9/10.  Admittedly, the blue raspberry flavor just completely sidetracks the entire pack.  But as every person that found their way to this blog knows, your grades suffer when you get a D.  Poor form, Starburst.

Wow.  This gum actually tastes identical to the red Sour Patch Kid.  Whatever nerdy flavor scientist concocted such a tasty treat should be getting a call from Willy Wonka any day now.  That being said, the gum gets an 8.9 because you do get sick of the flavor pretty quickly.  Before I became a coffee addict drinker, chewing gum was the thing that got me through my cubicle hours.  I couldn’t imagine binging on a pack of Redberry Stride during my 9-5 death sentence.

Also, look at the artwork they put inside of the pack.  Stride must have had some hippies put in overtime work at the Stride headquarters after dropping acid.


Rating: 8.9/10.  Not really slimy but definitely satisfying. So sue me if I love The Lion King and Hakuna Matata is my life’s motto (or at least it should be).

P.S. I would like to thank my co-star (the badass movie villain goatee I grew for my wife) for participating in the review as well.  Sorry ladies the goatee and I are spoken for.

Hot Buffalo Bugles

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Hot Buffalo Bugles review #food #review #clemfoodreport #bugles

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Long story short, these are basically regular Bugles that are spicy but have no real buffalo flavor. Once the spiciness leaves, you can taste a hint of regular Bugles. Nothing special. But don’t get it twisted. Bugles rule.
Rating: 7.3/10

Pringles Tortillas

There is just something about the shape, thickness, and salt on a Pringle that causes you to have the same brain reaction as a crack addict.
Rating: 8/10. Jusssst enough Pringles crack to keep you coming back for more.

The streets are talking and their words have been heard loud and clear at The Clem Report HQ.  The people WANT NEEEEED reviews of the four finalists in the Lay’s “Do Us A Flavor” contest.

The four flavors of chips that will be reviewed are Mango Salsa, Cappuccino, Cheddar Bacon Mac & Cheese and Wasabi Ginger. Since these flavors are very unique, I will be judging them on how appetizing they are, NOT how much they taste like the flavor they were named after.  Onto the reviews. (more…)

This is another example of there being jussssst not enough flavor in the ice cream.  Nutella usually has a chocolate burst with a subtle hint of hazelnut.  The ice cream had the chocolate part down pat, but the hazelnut was a little slow to arrive.

When the ice cream melted a little bit, I drank it out of the cup like it was soup broth (AKA like a savage).  For some reason, the hazelnut flavor was much more evident when eating the ice cream like this.  If all of the ice cream tasted like this, the rating would go up to an 8.9.

A few other things to note:

1. When eating Carvel ice cream, you have to go with the Carvel plastic spoon.  It doesn’t matter whether you eat at the store or at home.  They are the smoothest spoons in the world.

2. Ice cream is always better when it’s soft and soupy.  Messy, but better.

3. If you are going to Carvel for a cake, you better be getting Cookie Puss or Fudgie The Whale.  Anything less would be uncivilized.

4. For some reason, I used a million commas in this blog.  I, don’t, know, why.

5. The old Carvel Ice Cream song was straight baby making music back in the day.  There have to be a million kids named Carvel that were born 9 months after this commercial first aired.

Rating: 7.8/10

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The Clem Report's Birthday Cake M&Ms review #candy

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We will keep this one short and sweet (pun not even slightly intended).  When you bite into the Birthday Cake M&M, you taste a hint of a chemical made to taste like birthday cake.  Once that disappears, you get just a regular, gross chemical taste.  After that disappears, you taste a chocolate M&M.  5.2 of the points in this review were due to the chocolate M&M taste at the end.  Terrible.

Rating: 5.4/10

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Doritos Loaded Review

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When you take the first bite, you get a hint of that incredible Doritos nacho cheese flavor.  But it quickly disappears and is replaced by a dull cheddar cheese flavor.  If only these fried triangles had the amount of nacho cheese seasoning that the Taco Bell Doritos Loco tacos have, we could be talking high 9’s.  But it just wasn’t in the cards.  Damn you 7-Eleven/Doritos/Frito-Lay/junk food Gods.

Rating: 7.1/10

june mets

Best June Moment:  Bartolo Colon’s Double.  Duh.  A picture says a thousand words.  A video of Bartolo Colon’s double says a billion words.

Worst June Moment: The Eighth Inning On June 30th.  After a brutal month, Zack Wheeler threw a pseudo-gem in the Mets nightmare factory known as Turner Field, only for the defense and bullpen to blow the game.  An awful way to end an awful month.


First of all, lets just remember that the Knicks didn’t even have a pick until the emancipation of Knicks fans from Raymond Felton.  Thank you Phil.


With pick 34, the Knicks selected Cleanthony Early.  Early was the best player on a team that went undefeated in the regular season, granted in the MVC.  But there have been enough players in the NBA that played against weaker competition and still made a good name for themselves (Steph Curry, Gordon Hayward).  Getting a player that can play on both ends of the court, has been compared to Clifford Robinson, and was predicted to go in the first round at pick 34 is a legit win for the Knicks.  Plus, this: