Posts Tagged ‘texas rangers’

elster

I saw this on /r/NewYorkMets last night and just had to write something about it.  I hear people say that his advanced stats and BABIP were at an all-time high, which signifies some luck.  Plus he played in Texas, which is a bandbox.  But I’m sorry.  If you played with those Rangers teams in the mid-90’s, you were juicing.  It’s literally that black and white.  Instead of cup tests they probably wouldn’t let you leave the locker room unless you had a fresh needle mark in your ass. And I’m not here to judge. Anyone who wouldn’t take something to make them millions of dollars is stupid if you ask me. But lets call a spade a spade.

And while we are talking about the Rangers, look at Juan Gonzalez’s numbers in Texas.  They literally make me laugh out loud as I look at them.  Again, I realize the Rangers played in a hitter’s ballpark.  But said ballpark was still on Earth and adhered to the laws of gravity like every other ballpark.

Capture

Also, Juan Gone was one of the best lazy nicknames of all-time, in that it just took the first parts of his name like A-Rod.  Dammit, Juan Gone was the man.

The best player on the best team in baseball?  Cool.

Lead the league in WAR?  Sweet.

Touch Adrian Beltre’s head without sending him into a tizzy?  M…V…fucking P.

Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.

OK, I have had enough of this malarky.  It was funny when elected officials with noodle arms and no athletic skill threw out a bad first pitch.  Even the occasional 50 Cent or Carl Lewis blooper got a chuckle.  But now we are just shitting all over our national past time.  Did Miss Texas have a problem finding an American flag to burn as she threw out the pitch?  Shameful.

As far as I am concerned, we should kick Texas out of the Union for this.  They have always wanted to be their own country, anyway.  This was the final straw.  Tax the living shit out of the Cowboys and Longhorns when they want to play a football game against American teams. Win/win.

Also, what happened to beauty queens besmirching their states and family names with sex scandals?  I miss the good old days.  Now I have to give the Ceremonial First Pitch the Oregon Trail treatment.ore

No matter what you think of the Dubya or the Yankees, this is the best first pitch ever. I am going to petition future MLB commissioner Rob Manfred to right the wrongs of his predecessors by creating a rule that all stadiums must show the George W. Bush first pitch before every baseball game. This way, the terrorists (both local* and abroad) lose.
*Yes, I just called Miss Texas a terrorist. I stand by that statement 100%

If that doesn’t work, we can all agree that Plan B should be showing Chrissy Teigen’s first pitch before every game, right?  Sexy, fun, and a legit throw.  Just the way our forefathers would have wanted it.

glove

ESPN- Andy Milovich has offered to go this week where no man has gone before: A prostate exam in front of a full stadium of fans.  Milovich, the general manager of the Myrtle Beach Pelicans, the Single-A affiliate of the Texas Rangers, offered to have the exam while singing “Take Me Out To The Ball Game” during the seventh-inning stretch if local 10-year-old Fallon Emery, who has brain cancer, gets 10,000 likes on her Facebook page before the game.

“It’s not like I would be getting it at home plate,” Milovich said. “I’ll likely do it from our radio booth and the fans will see me from the shoulder up.”  Last week, Milovich was promoting Thursday night’s game, which has a prostate cancer awareness focus, when a reporter for a morning talk show asked him if he was willing to get a prostate exam at the game.

Any time a minor league team can get some free publicity, it is a huge win for them.  Add in this whole charade being for a good cause and it can bring a smile to any person’s face.  Good work by Milovich and the Pelicans franchise.

With that being said, I don’t understand the big deal.  Mets fans have been paying for this kind of pain for years.  The 2007 collapse was a month-long prostate exam.  You felt it in the morning, during the games, and all through the night.  Rinse and repeat the next day.

Maybe I am being kind of tough on what a prostate exam feels like.  I guess being a Mets fan is more like the treatement Cartman gets from his mom when he wants an iPad.

If this ending isn’t a metaphor for painful anal penetration, I don’t know what is.  And yes, after I wrote that sentence I wondered aloud what my life is coming to as a blogger.

Finally, lost in all the hullabaloo, we find out that the Myrtle Beach baseball team is named the Pelicans and not the Mermen?  Easily the biggest name downgrade since the Washington Bullets turned into the Washington Wizards.  Shameful.

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