The Impossible Question: Who Is Your Least Favorite Seinfeld Character?

Every season, my fantasy baseball league has a theme for team names.  Each year, you rename your team based on that theme.  Last year was Seinfeld.  And I’m not talking just Seinfeld characters.  You could be David Putty or you could be the Urban Sombrero.  There was obviously no shortage of incredible options.  Because if you ask a group of people what their favorite Seinfeld episode/character/storyline/etc. is, you will get a ton of different answers.

But I kind of went the other way here.  Who is your LEAST favorite character?  I do actually think there is one clear answer, but I may be wrong. So much on that show was great, especially if the character was a terrible person. So write in your answer below, Google Forms will add everything up and yada yada yada we will have our answer for who the worst Seinfeld character is/was.

Follow @TheClemReport

New York Police Can Rest Easy About Those Two Escaped Convicts Because Dog The Bounty Hunter Is On The Case

Time Warner News- He’s more than just a reality TV celebrity.  “People expect me to do something,” said Duane “Dog” Chapman. “Do you know what I mean?”  Chapman, better known as Dog The Bounty Hunter, and his crew are following the manhunt for the two escaped prisoners from Clinton Correctional Facility.  “The reward out there is good,” he said. “Somebody’s going to make some money to provide some information.”   Chapman said his website has been receiving two tips an hour about the whereabouts of escapees Richard Matt and David Sweat. Their investigation stepped up last week after U.S. Marshals placed the convicts on the 15 Most Wanted List.  “Once they put them on the top 15, then we’re after them but you’ve got to be very careful. You can’t go up there and jump in the cops’ crime scene or go through the cabin and look for stuff. You’ve got to be very, very careful not to step on anybody’s toes,” Chapman said.

 

This reminds me of back in 95 as MJ watched Scottie Pippen and the Bulls start to fall behind teams like the Knicks, Pacers, and Magic.  Dog is just throwing on the 4-5 and trying to lend a hand to arrest a couple of very dangerous guys.  The only difference from his show is that this isn’t bounty hunting some guy that missed his traffic court date in Hawaii.  These are two cold-blooded murderers that were able to outsmart the system and escape from prison.  If those guys see Dog The Bounty Hunter, they will definitely murder him and nobody wins in that scenario.  I don’t think any of us can handle losing Dog The Bounty Hunter and Steve Irwin in the last 10 years.  They are the Washington and Lincoln on the “Weird Job Reality Show Mount Rushmore.”

 

Follow @TheClemReport

Man Goes On Divorce Court Because He Is Convinced His Girl Cheated On Him With The Entire Wu Tang Clan

Wow.  Just wow.  That video left me breathless.  First of all, lets just get this out in the open.  That lady slept with the entire Wu Tang Clan.  Not just one or two of the members of Wu Tang.  But all 150 of them.  The Rza, The Gza, Ol Dirty Bastard, Inspectah Deck, Raekwon the Chef, U-God, Ghostface Killah and the Method Man.  Sure ODB may be dead in the physical form, but that dude is alive in spirit.  And he slept with this woman.  Pure common sense says if you are a young woman with the Wu after a concert at 7 am, you slept with those guys.  But when this is your response to the judge asking about what your night was like with the Wu Tang Clan:

YOU ARE GUILTY!  The fact, smile, and wistful clutching of the hands says it all.

Next up, I don’t understand why this guy is so upset.  Just be happy that your (ex?) girl made it out of there alive.  I would be scared to be in the same room as people in the Wu just from hearing the torture song from 36 Chambers.  Just life-altering, chilling stuff there.  The woman you had and loved is gone.  Like in Hangover 2 when they say “Bangkok has him now”.  Well guess what Nathan?  The Wu has Lia now.  Is it fair?  No.  But that is what may happen if you let your shorty go to a Wu Tang concert without you.  I don’t want to say it’s Nathan’s fault, but it’s one billion percent Nathan’s fault.  I just wish Lia could own it and tell the stories of what happened that magical night with Killa Beez.  Then again, I am extremely happy I will never hear that story.

PS- DEFINITELY would

PSS- Diversify your bonds

h/t to the fantastic @SeanAndBoShow for the tip

Looking To Burn This Monday Away? Play Google Feud!

So someone put together this Family Feud + Google Results mashup.  It’s pretty fun, but basically impossible to get every answer.  Trust me, I am a Family Feud master, but the categories I got were impossible.  Anyway, check it out if you want to help kill a Monday.

http://www.googlefeud.com/

Follow @TheClemReport

Nick Offerman Rumored To Have Been Offered A Role In Season 2 Of Fargo, Probably Because He Would Be A Perfect Fit

IGN- Jeffrey Donovan, who spent seven seasons as the star of USA’s Burn Notice, is joining the cast of FX’s Fargo for its second season. Plus, according to The Wrap, Parks and Recreation’s Nick Offerman has been offered a role – though he’s not currently in negotiations.

Donovan will be playing a character named “Dodd.” No other details have been provided about the character. The same goes for the role Offerman is being sought for, which is “Carl.”

I gotta say, Nick Offerman was born to play a midwestern cop in a dark comedy.  He has the personality, acting chops, and killer stache needed for a quirky show like Fargo.  Plus, he is from Illinois and has the face of someone that has eaten more sausages and cured meats in his life than he’d care to admit.  I have only seen a few episodes of Parks and Rec, but Ron Swanson steals the show every damn time.  Do the right thing Nick and accept the role.  It is your density.

The only person that would be a better fit for a role on Fargo is the mom from Bobby’s World. She had the perfect accent and was always freaking pregnant.   And Bobby’s brother Derek had to be the inspiration for the Billy Bob character from Season 1, right?  Just a diabolical asshole that wanted to watch the world burn.

 

Damn, that show was awesome.  I immediately went down a Bobby’s World YouTube wormhole and found the old intro.  Straight fire.

 

And you may ask, who wrote such a great theme song?  There is only one answer, my friends.

TESHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Follow @TheClemReport

Good News Tuesday: Full House May Come Back To TV

TV Guide- Could a Full House return be in the works? The family sitcom, which aired on ABC from 1987 to 1995, is still a ratings juggernaut via repeats on Nick at Nite. Now Warner Bros. TV is mulling a new take on Full House, with some of the original cast intact.

Leading the charge is John Stamos (Uncle Jesse) — who has an ownership stake in the show, which gives him good reason to champion the new series. Original executive producer Bob Boyett and creator Jeff Franklin (who’s writing the new version) are actively involved. Candace Cameron Bure (D.J.), Jodie Sweetin (Stephanie) and Andrea Barber (Kimmy) are on board, while Bob Saget (Danny) and Dave Coulier (Joey) are also involved in some way.

The cast has remained tight-knit and some of the actors have let it slip in the past that they’d like to see Full House return. Stamos, Coulier and Saget appeared in a yogurt commercial earlier this year, and also showed up on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon dressed as their Full House characters. Appearing on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live this past winter, Stamos hinted that a Full House revisit was being pondered: “We’re sort of working on a twist on a sequel,” he told host Andy Cohen. “But we don’t know if it’s going to happen yet or not.” In 2009, Stamos also told the press that a Full House movie had been developed. 

HAVE MERCY!  There is no way they could screw this up, right?  (Thinking…).  OK, there is a 95% chance they will screw this up.  But sometimes in life you have to take a chance with your heart.

It sounds like Uncle Jesse is a lock to come back.  Stamos has equity in the show being made and somehow looks even better than he did in his physical prime.  The Olsen twins are definitely available, but are also above the WB channel (in their twisted, drug fueled minds that is).  Bob Saget and Dave Coulier could surely use the money and cache.

Stephanie was addicted to meth, right?  So I’m guessing she is looking for work now that her time as Wendy from Breaking Bad is over with.  D.J.?  Can’t imagine she’s busy, unless she is pushing her brother’s cult church.  And of course we need the woman who put millions of kids through puberty, Aunt Becky AKA Mrs. Lori God Damn Loughlin.

As for the supporting characters, I hope, hope, hope that D.J.’s boyfriend Steve died in an incredibly painful fashion and won’t be on the show.  Steve was the worst TV boyfriend in the world this side of Jeff from Saved By The Bell.

Kimmy Gibbler, sorry toots but you are out.  Kimmy sucked back then and she sucks now.  Plus I bet she already had a failed show on The WB.

We need Teddy to come back into our lives.  I’m 95% sure John Legend is really Teddy all growed up.

Update: Gia didn’t make the original post, but I was called out by Saint Brendan of KFCRadio fame.  I was, still, and will forever be afraid of Gia.  The baddest bitch in the Bay Area makes me feel like Derek “The Yankee Doodle” nerd.

@TheClemReport The fact you left Gia out of the picture is borderline offensive. pic.twitter.com/IcS2yS3Aia

— Saint Brendan (@SaintBrendan) August 26, 2014

Follow @TheClemReport

Do These Look Like The Two Actors That Were Hired To Play Missy Elliott And Timbaland In The New Aaliyah Biopic? No? My Point Exactly

The Wrap- You can’t have a movie about Aaliyah without her musical mentors. A network representative told TheWrap that Lifetime’s Aaliyah biopic has cast Chattrisse Dolabaille and Izaak Smith as producer-rappers Missy Elliott and Timbaland, respectively. Dolabaille is a newcomer to Hollywood. She’s a Canadian actress, singer and dancer.

Izaak Smith, on the other hand, was a contender on “So You Think You Can Dance Canada.” He has appeared in “Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief” and “Mirror Mirror” as a dancer. He also played Cal Rice on popular Canadian series, “Tower Prep,” and Danny on digital series “Totally Amp’d.” 

Were Timbaland and Missy the casting directors for this movie?  The girl playing Missy Elliott looks closer to Aaliyah than Misdemeanor.  And Timbaland?  Good try my dude.  But this Izaak guy is a legit dreamboat.  He doesn’t drink quarter water out of gallon jugs.  Timbo and Missy may be geniuses in the rap game, but they aren’t exactly dimes in the looks department.  Just another day in the life of an internet watchdog.

OK, I am not sure if I “fixed” the Timbaland actor, but I got us a little closer to reality.  Missy is still wayyyy off, though.

Follow @TheClemReport

No Matter What You Think About The Simpsons Today, The Website And App With Every Episode Is The Simply Incredible

HitFix- One of FXX’s promos for the channel’s upcoming premiere of every “The Simpsons” repeat ever — not to mention a new website/app called Simpsons World that will allow fans to watch any episode, or clip, at any time — features a post-apocalyptic America where the world has fallen apart because people are too busy watching old “Simpsons” scenes to do anything else.

By the time FXX executives and longtime “Simpsons” showrunner Al Jean got done explaining all the features of Simpsons World, that promo seemed less parody than prophecy, at least for the “Simpsons”-loving TV critics at the press tour panel, all of whom seemed to be drooling like Homer Simpson contemplating the thought of free goo.

Just from a traditional (or linear) standpoint, FXX will have access to all 552 episodes of “The Simpsons” so far, and will marathon them all in order from August 21 through September 1, 24 hours a day for 12 days. (“The Simpsons Movie” will even air in between seasons 18 & 19, just like it was released in theaters.) From that point, FXX will have the repeats in heavy rotation, will do themed marathons — a “Treehouse of Horror” marathon on October 26, or perhaps a run of Krusty episodes on Sunday afternoon if that night’s new episode on FOX features Krusty — and otherwise cycle back and forth through the whole series.

I know it is fun to rail on The Simpsons for being consistently bad and unfunny these days.  But no one can deny that in it’s prime, it was probably the funniest show ever.  Add in a marathon, an app, and an easy way to search for any clip, and this may be the best TV news of the year.

That being said, please don’t be a hero and watch anything after Season 12.  It’s like looking directly in the sun as you drink a bottle of bleach.  Absolutely no good can come from it.

PS- This commercial is 100000% accurate.  I bet someone got in the DeLorean and filmed this footage from August 28, 2014.  Getting lost in a Simpsons wormhole may be the most detrimental thing to productivity ever.

h/t @LowballJ

Follow @TheClemReport

90’s TV Theme Tournament Champion

Now this is a story all about how the Fresh Prince theme song won the 90’s TV Theme Tournament.  In a pretty big blowout, the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air song was able to beat the upstart Home Improvement theme to take home best 90’s TV theme song.  Since The Clem Report is a functioning democracy for the people, this tournament was voted on by the visitors of the blog.  If you have any disagreements with the results, please forward them to the United States Constitution.

So for one last time, enjoy the greatest 90’s TV theme song of all-time:  The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Follow @TheClemReport

Do You Remember: The Game Show Classic Concentration

I am not exaggerating when I say that Classic Concentration is the most underrated game show of all time.  A game of Memory + a word puzzle + actual good prizes = Best game show ever.  Then, to top it all off,  Trebek had the stache AND the perm going.  The Quiz Show Canadian was straight up killing it back then.  He probably had to have two bodyguards around at all times just to keep the throngs of groupies away, then another two bodyguards just to keep the original two bodyguards away.  I am not sure how it got lost in the shuffle over the years, but Classic Concentration was incredible.  They could bring this game show back today and beat any TV show in the ratings except for maybe the Super Bowl.  MAYBE.

PS- Wild cards were just incredible.  Every game of every kind should have wild cards.  Hell, fantasy sports should have wild cards somehow incorporated.  Life is always more fun when wild cards are involved.  Tell me you don’t remember that happy feeling in your stomach when you picked up a Wild Card in Uno.  I imagine it’s the feeling that heroin users are chasing at all times.  Anyway, Classic Concentration needs to come back.  Do your black magic, Hollywood.

Follow @TheClemReport