Posts Tagged ‘xmas’

If you don’t think that the “Let It Shine, Shine, Shiiiiiiiine” song in the Glade commercial was the Best New Holiday Song of 2014, you are insane.  And if you don’t think my rendition of it at least gets me a Mark Ronson song, if not an actual record deal, you are batshit crazy. Pipes like you read about.

merry_christmas

 

My heart goes out to all you suckers that are driving long distances to see your families.  So Santa Clem has decided to drop some knowledge on you poor souls with an easy, fun game that will help that long drive seem only moderately soul-crushing.

1. Decide on a draft order.  Going in the order of whose birthday is next is probably the easiest.

2. The draft is a snake draft.  So if you have the 1st pick of the 1st round, you have the last pick of the 2nd round, the 1st pick of the 3rd round, etc.  If you don’t know what a snake draft is, you should probably stop reading and/or breathing.

3. The draft is 5 rounds long.  So that means everyone ends up with 5 songs.  There is no artist associated with the songs, only the songs matter.  So if you draft “All I Want For Christmas Is You”, you get all versions of the song, not just the Mariah version.

4. You get 1 point every time your song is played.  If the IMMEDIATE next song played is one of your songs, you get 3 bonus points.  If the song IMMEDIATELY after that is one of your songs too, it’s an auto-win and the game is over.

5. Dominick The Donkey cannot be drafted.  If Dominick The Donkey plays, whoever scored the last point loses a point.

6. Make sure to put something good on the line so you can brag your ass off during Christmas dinner.

Merry Christmas ya filthy animals!

xmas

Tis the season to eat and drink your face off in the name of Baby Jesus.  Food companies across our great nation recognize this as well, so they slap a bunch of peppermint on a product just in time for Christmas.  Here are my 15 second food reviews for some of the best Christmas treats I could find (at a random Rite Aid on a December afternoon):

Pepperidge Farm Candy Cane Milano

Rating: 8.8.  Milano cookies and candy canes are both tasty and classy as hell on their own.  Combined it is a dream.  8.8 may have even been shorting them.  I was seeing stars when I ate that cookie.  THAT’S how good they are together.  And yes, this is how a mint cookie should be done, Thin Mints.  The Girl Scouts should go back to the drawing board with Candy Cane Milano as their inspiration.

 

Gingerbread Peeps

Rating: 4.2.  If you like eating a bunch of Peeps, or even raw marshmallows in general, you are a weirdo that simply cannot be trusted.  Marshmallows were a good dessert back when horse racing was a national sport and the cup and ball was a fun toy.  Times change.  However, the only thing worse than Peeps are gingerbread.  Gingerbread is basically graham crackers with a weird aftertaste.  Another way to put this is that gingerbread is to winter as pumpkin spice is to fall, which means it sucks and is overrated.

 

Andes Creme De Menthe Christmas Tree

Rating: 8.7.  You become smarter and more sophisticated when you eat an Andes mint.  It really is that simple.  Plus you don’t have to brush your teeth before bed.  And if you don’t think of Home Alone the minute “Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree” comes on the radio, you are a lost cause of a human.

 

Candy Cane Shotglass

Rating: 1.2.  Nothing like drinking straight vodka and expecting to have a nice peppermint aftertaste, except just getting a kick to the face with a vodka aftertaste.  A for effort, F – in execution.  F you Candy Can Shotglass company that is likely run by child laborers in China

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