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Final Rating: 6.2/10. Burger King could have gotten away with a below average effort if they just made a Whopper with a black bun. Who doesn’t love food coloring? Green beer on St. Patty’s Day is the tits! But if you are going to load a burger with A1 sauce and say the bun is “infused with A1 sauce”, you need to bring your fastball. And The King didn’t. Be better, Burger King. (PS: That is black bun in my teeth. I promise you my mouth is not rotting, even if I patently refuse to floss)
On a positive note, at least I found out this lovely tidbit after eating the Halloween Whopper. I should be in for a nice treat in a few hours (probably less than that if we are being honest, since it is Burger King after all)
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Last year,I did a review of all the flavors for the Lay’s Do Us A Flavor contest, which helped get me started down this long, cholesterol-raising road of food reviews. So being the man of honor that I strive to be, I have decided to do the reviews with the four new flavors of 2015: Southern Biscuits And Gravy, West Coast Truffle Fries, New York Ruben, and Greektown Gyro. Onto the reviews.
Southern Biscuits And Gravy:
Rating: 7.8
Pretty damn good. They kinda tasted like the turkey and gravy chips I reviewed at Thanksgiving time. Are they better than last year’s winner (in my mind at least) Bacon Mac N Cheese? Nope. Or Cappuccino? Probably not. But they are decent. And any time you get to listen to a little bit of Ludacris as you eat junk food, life isn’t all that bad.
West Coast Truffle Fries:
Rating: 4.2
Now this one broke my heart. Whenever someone orders truffle fries for the table, I will likely say something like “Oh, that’s cool. I’ll probably have a couple.” And then I do not hear another word of conversation at the table until the fries arrive because they are all I am thinking about. So yeah, I like truffle fries. But these things were a goddamn traveshamockery on that wonderful food.
New York Reuben:
Rating: 1.2.
The brief whiff of these chips almost made me throw up. But I gave them a shot anyway. As you can see in the video, it’s a gradual decline from tasting to disliking to pure hatred. When I say it tasted like a subway, I meant one of those subway trains where there is a homeless person that is asleep/dead in the corner and you can never get that smell out of your nose. Yup, that bad.
Greektown Gyro:
Rating: 0. Zero. A goddamn goose egg. The worst actual food I have ever tasted. Bigfoot’s dick level of disgusting.
So there are my reviews for this batch of Lay’s Do Us A Flavor chips. To view the rest of my 15-second food reviews, simply click play below or select the video you would like to watch by clicking the icon in the upper-lefthand corner and choose a review.
Final Rating: 4.1/10. Alright listen slingers of all things candy related. If you are going to make a treat with the Strawberry Starburst flavor, you better bring the heat. I said this back during the disaster that was the Taco Bell Strawberry Starburst Freeze. Strawberry Starburst is a first ballot Hall of Fame flavor. Stop sullying it’s bad name just to make a buck. Either do it right or don’t do it at all. You are breaking my goddamn junk food loving heart, people.
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Final Rating: 10/10. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my favorite candy. Reese’s peanut butter is a sacred candy flavor. Anything less than perfection would have been simply unacceptable for me. But you know what? Carvel NAIIIIIIILED it. The ice cream tasted exactly like Reese’s peanut butter. God Bless you Carvel for making this old junk food reviewer’s heart soar and reminding him why he’s in the food review game.
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Final Rating: 7.6/10. The fruit flavored part of the pop is weeeeeeak. Way too watery for my tastes. But the saving grace of the pop is the Tootsie center. It’s probably just your typical fudgesicle, but it tastes like it has some Tootsie Roll flavoring because my brain can get tricked easily. If Popsicle improves the fruit part of the pop, they have themselves a winner (but nothing beats Choco Tacos or WWF Ice Cream Bars)
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Final Rating: 6.4/10. I wish I could love it. I truly do. But in the end it just leaves me slightly disappointed with a bitter taste in my mouth. Just like LeBron James’ personality.
Boom. Roasted.
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Final Rating: 5.5/10. Kind of weird, kind of good. Still not sure what to make of these snacks. They also had strawberry jelly flavored snacks, but if you use strawberry jelly on your PB&J, you are a flat out lunatic. And I will not debate the crust issue. Crust on pizza = AWESOME. Crust on grilled cheese = good. Crust on PB&J = :Spit:
That was me spitting on my computer. That’s how strongly I feel about it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to clean my monitor.
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Final Rating: 9.6/10. First off, let me be clear on this. Ben & Jerry’s is easily the best ice cream around. They make their products the right way because they are a bunch of crunchy hippies, so the base of the ice cream is good. And then they pack it with the most extras in the game. Tonight Dough is caramel & chocolate ice creams with chocolate cookie swirls & cobs of chocolate chip cookie dough and peanut butter cookie dough. Long story short, every single on of those flavors hits. I am more of a vanilla fan than a chocolate fan, though. That’s why I couldn’t rate it a perfect 10. But this ice cream received the best rating I have ever given a food since I started doing this bloggin nonsense. I have been to the Ben & Jerry’s factory multiple times and the longest minutes of my life are experienced during the ride home after buying some fresh Ben & Jerry’s from the store. So when I say this is the best Ben & Jerry’s ice cream I have ever had, you know it comes from the heart.
And I feel just as passionately about my stance on Kimmel being better than Fallon. Fallon has some funny skits and ideas. But Jimmy Kimmel is just infinitely funnier/cooler than Fallon. And oh yeah, Kimmel would never EVER pull a stunt like this.
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Final Rating: 9.2/10. Wow. That’s all I can really say after eating these Chocolate Covered Twinkies. They were much better than I was ready for them to be. The best way I can compare how good they are is by referencing the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Twinkies are like Wes. A name everybody knows about when discussing desserts/The Challenge. But they are truly nothing special in the grand scheme of things. But the season where Wes was on steroids and destroyed the competition? That is what Twinkies dipped in chocolate tastes like. Contenders for the title. Is that a bold statement? Yes. But I wholeheartedly stand by it. Chocolate Covered Twinkies = Wes From MTV: The Challenge. Where else can you get analysis like that?
P.S. This review was done outside while having a picnic on a blanket. Try and be more wholesomely American than eating Twinkies during a picnic. You can’t.
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Final Rating: 7.2/10. If you are going to say something tastes like a s’more, it sure as hell better taste like a s’more. And that cookie did not taste like a s’more. S’mores are as American as apple pie, so try to avoid spitting on the Constitution next time your flavor scientist nerds are making flavors in their lab, Oreo. And I will use that line from The Sandlot every single time I taste a disappointing s’mores product. Because The Sandlot is simply classic American cinema.
And finally, continuing with the “America” theme, ripping open that resealable packaging with one hand in the epitome of “American brawn”. I could probably be a G.I. Joe character if they still made those cartoons today.
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The Clem Report 