Hey everyone,

Well after a little over 1 year of living at TheClemReport.Wordpress.com, I have decided to take my talents to South Beach.  I mean, I have decided to take my talents to TheClemReport.com.  The reason for doing this is pretty boring.  I basically have more freedom with how the site works and looks and the URL is just prettier.  I went from the kinda happy face emoji to the kissy face emoji just by making this switch.  All the old blogs should be there as well, in case you want to re-read my average jokes or laugh at my NFL picks.

Now the new site is by no means finished.  That is going to take a lot of Youtube tutorials and epic fails.  But if you want the latest ramblings of this madman, go to TheClemReport.com.

Hugs and kisses,

Clem

ESPN- The University of Miami and Adidas announced Thursday that they will partner for the next 12 years in a deal that has the potential to become the most lucrative in the history of Hurricanes athletics.

It’s also the longest deal Adidas has struck with any collegiate program.

A person familiar with the contract terms told The Associated Press that the deal is worth “multiple times” more than Miami’s previous arrangement with Nike, which chose not to match Adidas’ offer. The person spoke on condition of anonymity because neither side authorized the release of specific financial terms.

(VOMITTTTTTTTT)

What, was Pony and their EWING brand already taken?  As someone who gets off reading the 2001 Miami Hurricanes Wikipedia page, I have to say that I hate this move.  Miami is swagger and swagger is Nike.  No two ways about it.  Americans aren’t lining up outside malls and licking the soles of Sambas.  The swoosh is still the king.  You can mayyyyybe talk me into Under Armour they have a great logo and they have had some solid commercials.

But Adidas reminds me of soccer games, Capri Sun, and orange peels.  Not a bunch of crazed maniacs putting up 50 burgers on D-1 programs and then dancing on their graves.  Just look at this paragraph and ask yourself, does this sound like a Nike school or an Adidas school?

U

However, even after saying all that, I have to admit that these shoes are fire.  But they are also probably the high point of the Adidas/Miami marriage.

 

I know the Vine of Steve Ballmer is the story that everyone is talking about today, and with good reason.  The old dude has diabolical moves with a wardrobe to match.

But in my opinion, the Clippers ball boy was the one that stole the show.  He is just swerving with that broom handle and A+ hair while trying to create his own rags-to-riches Cinderella story.  And you know when Fergie saw the ball boy, she was thinking “I’ve had the old bull now I want the young calf”.

First you get the sweat mop, then you get the women, then you get the power.

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It is with a heavy heart that we do our annual fantasy preview for this season of MTV: The Challenge.  Last year I power ranked each player in The Challenge: Free Agents.  With the passing of Diem and Knight, this season kind of has a black cloud over it.  But nonetheless, my wife, sister, and brother-in-law drafted our teams.  Rest in peace Diem and Knight.  Fuck cancer and the personal demons that took Diem and Knight from us.  But we will push on and try to have some fun watching the show that has brought us so much joy over the years.  The rules are as follows.

Each individual player gets drafted.  If Nany and Johnny Bananas are a team, that’s fine.  But you can only draft one player at a time.  If their team wins a challenge, both the players that have Nany and Bananas get points.  The draft is a typical snake draft.  Even though you will probably read this way too late to draft before the season actually begins, you can still draft after the first episode airs.  There’s nothing wrong with that.

The point system is:

First place in challenge= 25 Points
Last place in challenge= -5 Points
Winning a Dome= 10 Points
Losing a Dome= -10 Points
Surviving an episode= 5 Points
Leave the show for anything other than losing a Dome. This includes giving up in the finals= -25 Points
First place in finals= 100 Points
2nd Place in finals= 50 Points (Must cross finish line)
3rd Place in finals= 15 Points (Must cross finish line)

Teams Breakdown:

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1. Johnny Bananas and Nany:

bana

Basically the 2001 Miami Hurricanes of this Challenge.

2. Wes and Theresa:

theresa

The 2001 Va Tech Hokies (the only team that may be able to upset Banany, who yes call themselves that).  Theresa goes from meh to hot depending on her outfits and can ABSOLUTELY pull off the knee-high sock look.

3. Jordan and Sarah:

jorda

Jordan is a hardo asshole that no one likes.  Sarah changes between likable to the annoying chick that tries too hard.  Unfortunately they have to be taken seriously on these shows because a break here or there makes them the favorites.

4. Leroy and Nia:

leroy

ROY LEEEE is the God damn man and my favorite person on the show.  Nia is a legit terrible person that I wish ill upon.  I just like Leroy too much to not have him higher.

5. Zach and Jonna:

jona

Zach looks like a big tough guy, but has lampooned me in two challenges in a row.  Jonna is either a pseudo homeless person or a legit homeless person.  That means she may be weak from malnutrition or may be hungrier and willing to do ANYTHING to win that money.  Do not count that out.  She also goes from a hard 8.5 to a soft 5 depending on her look.  Jonna, like Theresa, dominates the knee-high sock look.

6. CT and Diem:

ct

Obviously I feel weird talking about this team because of all the real sadness that has happened.  CT is an absolute animal at his peak.  I heard Diem goes home this season.  Call me a sap, but in my heart I hope CT somehow is able to stay on The Challenge, dominate, and donate his winnings to Diem’s MedGift foundation.  It’s not the most likely thing in the world to happen, but I think we are all ROOTING for it to happen.

7. Adam and Brittany:

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I know very little about either of these people, but usually one rookie team surpasses expectations.  Flexing in your pic makes you an asshole, but Adam has muscles.

8. Johnny and Avery: 

aver

I fell for these two harrrrrrd in their season of The Real World.  I thought they were the modern day Julie Taylor and Matt Saracen.  Except in this version, Johnny broke Avery’s God damn heart.  Sure she may be spacey and perhaps somewhat of a floozy.  But she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen inside and out.  F you Johnny.  Still, they have some clout just because they are both so likable.

9. Jay and Jenna:

jenna

Jenna is hot.  Jay is meh.  Nuff said.  Actually Jenna is really, really, really hot.  Ok, that’s enough.

10. Knight and Jemmye:

knight

Their relationship is always bordering on chaotic.  Jemmye has been a great competitor in the past, but the picture of her tells me she isn’t in the best physical shape going into The Challenge.  If they were both focused, they could have been contenders.

11. JJ and Simon: 

dev

Basically Napoleon Dynamite and Devyn from The Challenge.  Pass.  HARD pass.

12. Thomas and Hailey:

thoma

I never saw their season, but my sister called them “feeble and wack”.  So, yeah.  That can’t be good.

13. Dustin and Jessica:

dus

The two worst and most annoying people on the challenge BY FAR.  F them both.  I pray to God they are eliminated first round.

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My draft breakdown:

I had the three pick, which was less than ideal.  To no one’s surprise, Bananas and Nany were the first two taken.  But instead of playing it safe with Wes, I went with my heart.  I love CT.  I love Diem.  I know Diem leaves at some point in the season.  But like I said, sometimes you have to draft with what you want to root for.  And I want to believe that CT took home a W in the name of Diem.  Plus, if they need to give him a new ex, they can say Laurel and CT once had a flirting fling.  And THAT would be the 2001 Miami Hurricanes.  So CT was my first pick.

The next round, I was blinded by my hatred for Wes and Theresa that I didn’t even look at them.  I went with Sarah, who is pretty decent and has a bunch of arm tattoos, which raises her toughness level to well above mine.  This was a mistake.

In the 3rd round, I went with Jonna.  Again, she is probably willing to do things to win the money that many of us (including some of these desperate SOBs) would never do.  Plus she has The Incredible Hulk on her team.  That should help slightly.

I literally picked Adam because his blurb on my sheet said “Maybe” which was better than anyone else’s blurb at that time.  It’s getting desperate.

Knight was my boy on his Real World season, so I went with him.  The long hair and Jemmye’s weight gain is a big red flag however.

Finally, I took Jenna with my last pick because she is hot.  That matters because:

1. It is fun to root for hot girls.

2. Guys like to keep hot girls in The Challenge house.

Again, sorry for the shorter blog for this season, but it just never felt right to get excited after all the crappy news we heard last month.  Here’s to another season of The Challenge.  Rest in peace, Diem and Knight.

New-Year-4

You are probably reading this blog still hurting from a bunch of bad decisions on December 31st. The holiday New Year’s Eve needs to be fixed. A holiday based around drinking should be fun, not something people complain about every year. Dressing up, drinking dry champagne, and competing for chicks that will probably puke on you is for the birds. Here are my five simple steps to making New Year’s Eve amazing again:

1. Flip The Script

All-Purpose-Holiday-Symbol

New Year’s Eve should be about everything awesome that happened in the previous year. So how do we celebrate that? By combining everything good from the last 12 months, which is basically the holidays. People should drink recklessly like St. Patrick’s Day, light fireworks like the 4th of July, dress in costumes like Halloween, have a ridiculous feast like Thanksgiving (turkey optional), and give gifts like Christmas (except you just buy one nice gift for yourself). New Year’s Eve just went from a holiday that is fun to complain about to literally the best night of everyone’s year. Except for Emergency Room doctors. They will hate this holiday even more than they do now.

Good luck sleeping after looking at that bastardized holiday nightmare above.

2. The Tournament

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Incorporate some sort of annual sports event that involves countries playing against each other in some sort of tournament. I usually hate watching soccer, swimming, track and field, skiing, etc. But there is no denying that the World Cup and the Olympics are incredible because rooting for your country is awesome. Pick a sport where the entire event can take place from December 26th-31st, with most of the games being played during the day. Day games can make even the saddest cube monkey smile. The championship game is played on New Year’s Eve and must be played in an indoor or warm weather stadium that observes the Eastern Time Zone (the only time zone that truly matters).

3. The Official Party

kathy

Anyone that goes or plays in this game gets treated to an epic party immediately afterwards. The host stadium is the new center of New Year’s Eve. Times Square is dead. This is the party everyone wants to be at. Biggie and 2Pac’s holograms will be there. Kathy Griffin and Ryan Seacrest will not.

4. The Bowl Games

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All important bowl games take place on January 1st or later. You can still have the Belk Bowl or the Raycom Media Camellia Bowl whenever the hell you want. Just realize that the yearly tournament I just created is going to destroy every single bowl game in the ratings along the way. There is also no more complaining about which teams did/didn’t make the playoffs. It is a minor league sport with a minor league playoff system. If you want great playoffs, watch the NFL on Sundays. Also, the NHL Winter Classic stays on New Year’s Day too, because it’s awesome in HD.

5. The Days Off From Work

day-off-with-pay1

The 31st and the 1st are both holidays. Like real deal, you don’t get mail, if your friend has to work on that day they should quit their job holidays. No more of the “31st is kind of a holiday” crap. If you make your employees work on the 31st or the 1st, Uncle Sam can tax your face off.

Boom. New Year’s saved.

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors per year. This blog was viewed about 94,000 times in 2014. If it were an exhibit at the Louvre Museum, it would take about 4 days for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

If you don’t think that the “Let It Shine, Shine, Shiiiiiiiine” song in the Glade commercial was the Best New Holiday Song of 2014, you are insane.  And if you don’t think my rendition of it at least gets me a Mark Ronson song, if not an actual record deal, you are batshit crazy. Pipes like you read about.