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So Larry Donnell AKA The Black Voltron shouted out this reddit thread for trying to come up with a nickname for the (soon to be) greatest tight end of all-time.  I am not here to disparage anyone, but the nickname The Don would be the most basic nickname in NFL history.  The evolutionary Black Unicorn + Megatron-esque matchup nightmare  = The Black Voltron.  It is really that simple.

So what I need everyone to do is to go to that reddit thread, Donnell’s Twitter feed, and/or Donnell’s Instagram page to let him know that you want his nickname to be Black Voltron.  If not for me, then for the criminally underrated 80s cartoon and toys that we all knew and loved.  #BlackVoltron has formed.

P.S. The Voltron song was absolute FIRE.  The first rapper to make a good song with that beat wins the rap game forever.

For more unabashed Black Voltron slurping, follow me on Twitter @TheClemReport

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ESPN- Bartolo Colon’s season ended with more than 15 wins and crossing the 200-inning threshold. The 40-year-old right-hander also became a U.S. citizen, according to Katie Tichacek, a public affairs officer at U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services. The ceremony with Colon and his wife Paula took place on Saturday, the day before Colon won the season finale at Citi Field.

There are eight requirements for citizenship (reprinted below directly from the U.S. government fact sheet):

• Be at least 18 years of age;
• Be a lawful permanent resident (green card holder);
• Have resided in the United States as a lawful permanent resident for at least five years;
• Have been physically present in the United States for at least 30 months;
• Be a person of good moral character;
• Be able to speak, read, write and understand the English language;
• Have knowledge of U.S. government and history; and
• Be willing and able to take the Oath of Allegiance.

Alright guys, no more fat guy jokes about Bartolo.  He is now an American, which means that being overweight is OK and usually expected.  It’s hard not to absolutely love everything about this square shaped Gremlin.  All the dude does is throw strikes, eat innings, and win games.  That makes him a much better American citizen than guys like Mike Pelfrey and Kyle Farnsworth.  If Bartolo had needed a sponsor, I would have been the first person in line to volunteer for him.

I also never knew that becoming an American citizen was so easy.  When Apu tried to do it in The Simpsons, he had to jump through a bunch of hoops and take a test at the end.  Classic episode.

For more positive spin on the dumpster fire known as the New York Mets, follow me on Twitter @TheClemReport

(Turn on the sound in both Vines for full effect)

For more reveling in Patriots misery, follow me on Twitter @TheClemReport

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Sorry folks, but I am completely at a loss here.  I understand why the Browns are popular near Texas (Johnny Football).  I understand that the Steelers, Packers, and Raiders have a wide reach because they are/were national teams.  But the Rams being the most popular jersey in Alaska flummoxes me to no end.  I mean I could see some Eskimo in Sam Bradford if I try, but that’s not it.  Maybe the brief Michael Sam experiment inspired the homosexual communities in the Great White North?  Perhaps.  But something just doesn’t add up here.

And the Panthers being the team of the Aloha state?  Again, no clue.  Riverboat Ron looks like he could be a Hawaii native, but my thorough investigation (reading his Wikipedia page) says that is not the case.  Maybe the islanders just don’t know that Panthers Steve Smith has evolved into the indestructible force known as Ravens Steve Smith Sr.

Keep up, Alaska and Hawaii.  Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

For more nonsensical NFL football thoughts, follow me on Twitter @TheClemReport

Ron-Burgundy-Erection 11.34.27 AM

NFL.com-  A stirring win over the Philadelphia Eagles won’t stop the long-term questions about the San Francisco 49ers’ leadership. NFL Media’s Deion Sanders said on Sunday’s NFL GameDay Highlights that there is significant strain between coach Jim Harbaugh and his players.

They want him out. They’re not on the same page,” Sanders said. “I really want to know if they’re really playing for the head coach. I got a question with that. Are you really down with your head coach, San Francisco 49ers? Because the way it looks and what I’m hearing, you’re really not down for your head coach. And that’s a problem.

“They really got some problems that we hear rumblings. We all know people inside locker rooms.” 

Where there is smoke, there is fire.  And when Prime Time is chirping about your locker room after a win during NFL GameDay Highlights, that means that there is a 4 alarm blaze potentially on the horizon.  Now I have been trying to will Jim Harbaugh to the Giants or Michigan for months.

But considering I did the same thing when I willed Larry Donnell from an unheralded tight end into the best player in football, can you truly doubt my newfound powers?

Am I saying that Jim Harbaugh will definitely be the coach after the Giants go 14-2 and Tom Coughlin goes out on top like John Elway?  No.  But I am saying that I may have magical Twitter powers that will lead to Jim Harbaugh becoming the next Giants coach in less than 18 months. And he will probably be coaching Ndamukong Suh.

P.S.- I cannot WAIT for Harbaugh to do the triple slobber victory wipe while wearing Giants blue.  It will be like the modern day Red Auerbach victory cigar.

For more New York Giants soothsaying, follow me on Twitter @TheClemReport

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Time- Police used tear gas, batons and pepper spray against pro-democracy demonstrators in central Hong Kong on Sunday, as tens of thousands joined a civil-disobedience movement that seeks unfettered elections for the city’s top job.

Well that is the most terrifying thing I have ever seen in my life.  I took the 7 train to work when I lived in NYC and it was a daily struggle of having pushy Asians throw elbows at you while they entered and exited the train.  Plus there was absolutely no regard for common human courtesies, like letting a person out of the train before you wanted to get in the train.

On the plus side, I bet there are some sick bootleg DVDs being slung in Occupy Hong Kong right now.  And you won’t find a better deal on AA batteries in the entire universe.

For more comments poking fun at of important current events, follow me on Twitter @TheClemReport

suhx

Pro Football Talk-  It’s a given that Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh will hit the open market in March. With a franchise tag that would exceed $26 million and the plug pulled on contract talks during the season, it makes no sense for Suh to accept an offer from the Lions after the season ends but before he becomes a free agent.

When Suh becomes a free agent, he’ll have interest in playing in New York, according to Adam Schefter of ESPN. Suh realizes the potential benefit of being in the Big Apple, especially with Jay-Z serving as his marketing representative. 

Well isn’t this a lovely way to end a beautiful NFL weekend?  The Giants smoked the Redskins, the Eagles lost a heartbreaker in San Francisco, and one of the young defensive stars in football wants to play in the media capital of the world.  I have already convinced myself that the Giants are going 14-2 on their way to a Super Bowl championship, so I guess you could say things are looking up in the Casa de Clem these days.

Now before you say “Clem, he said he wants to play in New York. He may sign with the Jets”, allow me to explain.  The Jets have Sheldon Richardson as their Defensive Tackle and need to get their defensive backfield and passing game fixed before they stack their front 4 more than it already is.  It would be like the Mets signing Jon Lester this winter.  It’s not going to happen.

Big Blue on the other hand would be a wonderful place for Ndamukong Suh to continue his career.  The Giants haven’t had the same “draft and develop” success up front that they have had in years past while Jerry Reese does have a history of spending big money on potentially impact defensive linemen.  Suh may be expensive, but he may also be one of the most talented defensive free agents to hit the market in a long time.

Finally, the name Ndamukong Suh was tailor-made for the headline writers of the Daily News and New York Post.  Please sign him, Jerry.  Pretty please with sugar on top.

Ron-Burgundy-Erection

h/t @SeanAndBoShow for the link

For more thoughts regarding the soon to be 14-2 Super Bowl Champion Giants, follow me on Twitter @TheClemReport